Need Help.....Mistake #2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Need Help.....Mistake #2
2
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 2:33pm
To the second-timers like me:

I am beginning to think that I have made a mistake marrying again. Part of me wants this to work but then the other part believes the price is just too high.

I moved 1500 miles to be with my new husband. I took my two daughters away from the family and lives they had every known to start a brand new life.

I feel like my husband is just so selfish. Whenever I voice my opinion he says I am "attacking" him. Or he will rant and say that he "never does anything right". So many of our conversations end up like this. I am cleary NOT perfect and know that NO ONE is but I still believe that two adults should be able to talk things out.

He always tries to put his kids before mine and then gets upset when I say something about it he again says I am attacking him. His son has his own room while my two daughters share- even though his son is only with us 50% of the week- now that we are expecting a child (I know, I know- not a smart move) my husband is resistant to having the baby (a boy) share with his son. We bought this house together, with my down payment and he agreed to add on another bedroom so my daughters can each have their own room too. My daughters have never had to share a room but I compromised because we are blended family. He won't do the same for me.

It's to the point now where I don't even want to go home. All we do is argue. Yesterday he took offense to me feeling insulted about the dinner I made. He had to say how bad it was 3 times, even after I apologized. When I finally said "I get it! How many time do you have to say it?". He ran into our bed room and slammed the door. He said that I talk to him like dirt. Does that sound like dirt to you? I just feel so exasperated and do not understand how to communicate with this man.

I feel sort of trapped. I have mortgage and a new baby with this man. I have no other family or friends here. I don't want to move back home and uproot my children again. At the same time, I don't want to stay in a miserable situation. I fantasize about buying my own smaller house and living peacefully with my children.

How do you communicate with someone that views himself as the "bad guy". I never say this or even imply it. I just want to TALK and have him hear me without him running off to feel sorry for himself.

Thank you so much for the previous advice and for listening to this long complaint.

Chris

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 7:31pm
Here are my thoughts...

Regarding communication: When he commented on your "bad dinner", instead of snapping back "I get it", could you have said something like "Wow, that's kind of a hurtful comment...I tried really hard to make something you would enjoy...I obviously haven't succeeded here. How about tomorrow you let me know what you would like me to make and I'll try to make it for you, okay?"

Not only are you communicating that it was a hurtful comment (instead of putting him on the defensive with a snappy comment of your own), but you're also showing that your intent is to try and make it better. Plus, half the hassle of cooking is figuring out what to make in the first place, so indirectly, he'd also be helping you in a way.

Secondly, I don't speak from a "blended family" experience, but from my own family.

Although most of the times, we kids were treated equally, there were times when it was appropriate to give one kid something and not the other. Life wasn't always fair, but there was always a REASON for whatever it was that my parents decided. For example, I got the bigger room...but that's because I was older and needed more room for a desk and a study area. The reasons why I got the bigger room were explained to my little brother and he had to learn that sometimes that's just the way things are in life. Other times, he'd get things that I didn't and the lesson was reversed.

For example, in your case, I would understand your husband not wanting to his son to share a room with a new baby, if, for example, his son is a teenager. A teenager has certain needs that might not co-exist very well with a baby. You know?

But I think it's important to TALK to your husband first. What are his reasons for not wanting his son to share a room? What alternatives can he suggest? Listen to him calmly when he's talking (don't get mad or frustrated - try to just listen). Take an hour to process his thoughts and THEN, when you have a clear understanding of what reservations he has, you might be able to address them with some ideas of your own.

There HAS GOT to be a solution here that maybe you two aren't seeing because you're constantly frustrated and angry with each other.

I think the whole situation needs to just be diffused a bit before any progress will be made.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 10:40am
I was reading your message and i feel so sad for u and your daughters. I was married 15 yrs and my husband cheated with a child almost the same age as my daughter. I have 1 step son and 1 step daughter as well as my own teenager and i am only 35. I gave up my childhood and life to become a slave. Please don't let anyone put you down. Your husband needs to tell you how wounderful u are and thank u for making him dinner. Even if he thinks its bad. It sounds to me like he is looking for a mother for himself, slaming doors. What a turn off! Women sometimes try to fix what is broken and loose themselves doing that, i did. It has only been 6 months for me and just now I am doing ok. If he loves u he will be good to your daughters and not treat them different. He will praise you for everything u do. If he dosen't, move on. Everyone is afarid of change, but u have to do whats best for u and your girls. You are worth so much more. If your girls see u are happy their lives will be happy too. You don't need to be streesed now, you are having a beautiful baby. Remind your husband of that. Go somewhere if only to the park and go for a walk and remind yourselves why u got married and are having a baby. I hope everything works out for u and your kids. e mail me if u want to talk. kpappas@bellsouth.net sincerly, kimberly