Never thought I would find myself here.......

Avatar for jordan_34
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
Never thought I would find myself here.......
9
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 10:57am

Hello all!

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 11:10am
HI
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 11:13am
hI and Welcome

(was just trying to hit the key to un-do capitals...and I posted "hi" instead...whoops!)

ANYHOW---
I'm sure Cheryl will pop in here and post, but in case she doesnt, I know there is a book called "the hard questions" that she generally recommends to (especially) folks in your situation---everything looks great, wondering if/when there is "the other" shoe to drop! So, I guess it might give you some areas to look at , and , hopefully after that, you can feel a little better about the potential "shoe" situation , LOL.... :)

Anyhow--

WELCOME!

Hope to hear more from you soon :)
Avatar for jordan_34
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 11:18am

Thanks!

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 4:01pm

My only question is the timeline. It's unclear in your post how long you've known him. If you will not have been together at least 2 years before the wedding, then I would give it longer before you

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 4:31pm

Hi and welcome to the board. I have to admit, I laughed at your story, but it's great too!!

The book is The Hard Questions by Susan Piver.
It's basically questions that most couples don't like to discuss (because they're hard or they don't want to lose the rose-colored glasses of their happiness, etc, etc, etc). Questions about sex, friends, spirituality, kids, money, home, etc. It's a great book to go through to help you two hit the big subjects that typically are deal breakers or red flags.

Another suggestion is to do pre-marital counseling. It's counseling more to help you two adjust to each other, with the kids, to learn or better your communication skills. honestly, you could go and the therapist could say you two are two emotinoally/mentally healthy individuals that shouldn't have a problem working on any issue that arises, or maybe something will arise and s/he can help.

I tend to suggest those two things to couples who have everything going for them, but something is nagging them. I guess, you could also listen to your instincts and figure out what is nagging you, however, with your background on your XH, I can see why you're unsure overall. Having been in r'ships like that, I think that's how I start to second guess myself.

Another thought is.....are you emotionally/mentally over your marriage. By that, I do not mean over your XH, I mean over what happened. Did you learn from it. Do you understand what happened, or why you chose him. I always ask someone if they understand why they chose a man like that, or if they see the red signs that they failed to ignore, but there are always those men who put on a great face until they all of a sudden don't do it anymore. However, I've been in abusive r'ships, there are always signs, we just have to ask ourselves why we chose to look the other way. It could be as simple as, "oh, he's jealous, how sweet".

Someone else asked about a timeline, so I'll leave that for you to answer. Sometimes it matters, other times it doesn't. I can't say if not fighting is a red flag, however, I will say this....you do NOT know the TRUE person until you have to face a MAJOR hardship. And for all you know, that may or may not come about. Another way to really see how you get along....take a weeklong vacation with them w/o kids. Or heck, with the kids...make it more challenging. (side thought, I always think about The Amazing Race....IMHO, the people you see, are the REAL people under real stress. It's not an everyday thing to see someone like that, but when I see couples fight, I kinda wonder how much of it is reflected in real life...but not as intense).

Okay, that's my advice. lol. Or at least suggestions to help you get past the "waiting for the other shoe to drop". If you think it's too good to be true, it just might be. You just need to see it for what it truly is. Which isn't easy to do. Hence the book, the pre-marital counseling, etc.

Avatar for jordan_34
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 5:00pm

Thank you for your responses and I greatly appreciate them.

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 5:09pm

Well, if what you post is truly what is going on, it sounds like everything is good. Everything is working. :) Yay.

You two seem to be very down to earth and you have your set of values that you're following (which says a lot in itself).

Just remember this and keep telling yourself, there are no guarantees in life. One day, could be tomorrow, could be 100 years from now, could be never, the shoe MAY drop, but you won't be living your life while you wait or wonder.

Oh, what is that quote. Here it is, "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".
It's not quite right, but it helps me to remember that while I try to predict things, or wait for the worst, life is passing me by and I can choose to live it (hurt or no hurt) or be safe not not live it. :)

Avatar for jordan_34
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 10:08am

Thank you so much for the response.

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 2:16pm
Welcome!
Serenity