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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
New to the board
18
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 8:17am

I post a lot on the single moms and dating board. But I am not so much into dating anymore as I am into making a long term relationship work.

We are 47 and 49 and both been married before. The kids are in their late teens so by the time we do marry they wont be so much an issue. We both have a lot in common like interests and life history (both former military). And are making some life plans such as living together and taking time off life to hike the appalachian trail.

Our current dilemma is where to live to save money to retire (temporarily) to hike the trail. We both own homes near each other. We work in nearby towns. Neither of us have our feet in cement here and neither of us are attached to certain towns or parts of the country. Just want to be close to work and he wants to be close to his son who lives part time with his mom. My daughter doesnt go to school so the school district doesnt matter.

He is more attached to his home than I am to mine. I dont like the town his home is in and neither does my daughter. He really doesnt either but its close to his son (15). I can concede and live in his home if there are many improvements done to his house. We both can concede if we find a nice home in the woods or on the water or on the bike trail we love.

Theres so much to consider.

I am looking for more how to make a long relationship work than figuring out if I found the right one. So here I am to absorb what you all have to offer.

Laurie

anonymous

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 9:43am

Hi Laurie and welcome to the board.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 10:21am

Hi Laurie,


Ditto on the *welcome* !


As far as input on the "where to live" question.....here are my thoughts:


If it is possible for each of you to sell your present homes, and buy a different place together when you marry/live together....that would be the ideal.


It MAY work very well to move into his home and make " many improvements".....but periodically you will read situations on here where that doesnt work real well.........the family moving in always feels like they are invading the other's turf....the residing family feels as though their turf has been invaded......sometimes the "agreeier" to all of the changes then drags (his) feet on making the changes, ....sometimes the "agreeier" feels more has been changed than agreed upon, etc etc.


I just think IF it was possible for BOTH of you to move to a new location......it would be a HUGE plus. Esp because it sounds like NONE of you are that thrilled where he is right now (even him).......so , yes, a place with just one other little "plus" to it (the bike trail, or whatever) would be a huge bonus to all I'm thinking.


HOWEVER.......where I'm at.....NOTHING is selling....(nor has for years, actually)......


so my thoughts might slap up against reality when you actually try to do these things.....


But.....if possible.....I would always vote for BOTH moving into a new location.


I think it just eliminates

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 1:35pm

Hi and welcome to the board Laurie,

Y'know, when you're unsure about areas, my suggestion to people is to find a place to rent. That way, you can feel out the area, so to speak, w/o a commitment to it.

Is there a town close by that you all like, that is close to work, and close to DF's son, but not the town DF is in now?

 





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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 3:01pm

Welcome!

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 12:15pm

I was going to reply yesterday but I spent the day in a funk. We were going to go ride around near the rail trail to see what homes are out there but he canceled last minute. Then he was in a very non communicative sort of funk himself. He said he was tired and had a bad day. But inside I have this feeling he was having second thoughts. There was no more talk of looking at homes after that and none today.

I suppose second thoughts are common during second marriages. I know neither one of us want to go through divorce again and neither of us want another break up. We have days where we are both so sure of this and days where we are not so sure. Is this common?

Things are just starting to sell here. Two homes down the street just sold and they are larger than mine. Well most of the neighborhood is larger than mine. So thats a good sign.

Thanks for all the input.

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 4:34pm

Hi, Laurie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Wed, 02-24-2010 - 8:48am

Hey Priscilla, Thanks for coming out of the lurk mode!

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 10:04am

Thats kind of what I want to read here. What works for everyone else. So I can get ideas.

But for now we are on hold. He got cold feet. One day he is all for moving. The next he is worried and afraid of making a wrong choice. I cant take the back and forth ness of this relationship much longer. I told him last night that if the home is on hold thats fine I just need to know where I stand. I cant go back and forth with my life plans waiting for him to make up his mind.

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 10:40am

Hi Laurie, funny meeting you here. I have to say that when I was struggling in my 2nd marriage, the women on here gave me some great advice, so I still lurk & post now & then, trying to save people from making the same mistakes I made. I think it's very normal to be more nervous going into a 2nd marriage. When we all got married for the 1st time, most of us were probably in our 20's and even though everybody knows the statistics on divorce, we all think "It's not going to happen to me." Then it does. So the 2nd time, I really didn't want to get divorced again. Then I did. I hope I have learned from that experience.

One thing I have learned from Pamela (who I think is very wise) that I never really thought of before is that there is no hurry. I can't really say that I rushed into either marriage--I dated my 1st DH for 2 yrs and I dated my 2nd DH for 2 yrs, then we lived together for a year before we got married. But what I mean is that (and since I'm telling her story, she can explain better than I can) is that she & her DH were willing to put the time and effort into being really, really sure that they were going to have a successful marriage by going to counseling and really communicating about all their problems BEFORE they got married, which I don't think most people really do. So I think that while it's normal for your BF to be unsure about making a commitment, it's also unfair for him to one day be looking at houses and the next day to be saying that he's not ready, unless he's actually going to do something about his feelings, which I would say is 1) have some serious talks w/ you about what he's worried about and if that's not enough, then 2) go to counseling to deal w/ it. I mean no one KNOWS if their marriage is going to survive--it's always a risk, but if he has specific worries, then the 2 of you need to discuss things. I found out when I got remarried that my 2nd DH & I made a lot of "assumptions" about how things were going to be that we hadn't discussed and then it turned out that our assumptions were pretty different. The major thing was how we were going to raise our kids--I assumed that I would take care of my own kids and make decisions regarding them and that he would do the same w/ his DD. Then when he moved in, he wanted more say in what everyone would do. Now if we had actually talked about this before the move, it would have been a lot better of course.

So I hope you work things out. You are right, though, you can't put your life on hold while he's waffling. You have to do what is good for you.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 12:26pm

It is me again.

Serenity

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