~New Here ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
~New Here ~
7
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 9:54pm
Hi everyone~

My name is Tami, I have 3 kids and am engaged to a Man who has 3 kids. This will be both of our 2nd marriages. We're both going through divorces right now. It is a long story to explain, but we dated before each of us had got married....we broke up and a few years later he went into the Army. We lost contact for 15 years and met up when both of our marriages were ending. We are now going through some unusual things with our relationship. We've been together for almost 1 yr now, he is away at school for the Army for 3 mos. I'm in the process of moving right now into the town that he lives in . My kids and I are moving next month. He'll be home in june. My kids have not met him yet and we're going to take it real slow with them. I have met his kids , oh and he did meet my daughter, we took them to the park but they didn't know we knew one another.He is leaving in Jan. 2005 for deployment and will be gone for a year. We are planning on marrying after he returns and then working on merging families. Anyway, since I'm already dealing with some of the second marriage issues, I thought I'd join in here if there is room for another . I look forward to sharing,listening, and having conversations with all of you !

Tami

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: billsgirlie
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 8:53am
Hi and welcome. I think Chris is pretty busy right now, but will respond soon. Sure there is room here. I like that you have agreed to take the childrens' merging slowly. When I was at my couples counseling session yesterday, the therapist commended my BF and I for placing such a high importance on the children and how our marriage will affect them.

I have known my BF since before our divorces, we were seperated and divorced for more than four years now. We had both been married for more than 20 yrs. and so ending the marriages was very traumatic in that, once it was decided there was going to be no turning back (once again, not wanting to put the kids on some emotional roller coaster). Well, we feel the same about getting married. We are doing everything we possibly can to make sure they are secure in the fact that we will not put them through another break up. We have both been in individual counseling and in couples counseling. We have read and discussed what "went wrong" and how to not repeat those things. We have discussed relationships, what make up healthy relationships with the kids. We have allowed them to see the ups and downs and recovery and healing and genuine love and care that two people can give each other.

I may be a bit prejudice, but I think my kids are pretty emotionally healthy. Once the lying from the first marriage was ended, I swore to myself, never to be untruthful again. I contracted with my kids and my bf, and they with me. As a child, my caregivers lied to me "out the the sense of protection", and it made me untrusting and cynical. I will not do that to anyone again. It certainly robs you of peace of mind.

I admire you for merging your families and since we are doing the same thing, I would love to hear more about it. My boys (11 and 15) are fine. His daughter (23) is not. She is bitter and angry, and puts up with me, because she has to if she wants to see her dad. This is mostly her mother's bitterness and anger, which was transferred. I keep my contact at a minimum, after trying to reach out and being rejected. My bf's family has a great capacity to use avoidance in order to not feel guilty or shameful about their behavior. Fortunately, he learned that and doesn't do it anymore.

Ok, I am running on here...but at least you know a little bit about me.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: billsgirlie
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 10:26am
Hi pam~

Thanks for the introduction of yourself and your situation. I defiently would like sharing with you whats going on....it's good to have someone to bounce ideas off of and just to know someone else has been through it or is going through it too. My kids are 12, 9, 4. Well i look forward to conversing and shairng with everyone here.

Thanks, Tami

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: billsgirlie
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:15am
Tami,

I am usually on the boards during the work week, being a state civil servant and having two boys who dominate the computer at home. LOL!

I had taken a major step two weeks ago, in that I told my kids that Bob and I were talking about getting married. I told them it was not something that was going to happen in the next year, but that we are talking about it. I told them that when my mother got remarried, (I was nine when my father died) she waited until I, the youngest, graduated from High School. I felt as if I had to "get out" of the house. We never talked about feelings or concerns. But then, we didn't do that when my father died, either.

I will not do that with my children. I ask them every day just about, what they are feeling about a variety of things. My BF started a tradition at the dinner table (we do not live together, but he is there all the time), where everyone gets to tell their high point and low point of the day. That keeps us very much in tuned to what each of us are going through. He even made my parents do it when we had them to dinner. My mother was very uncomfortable. LOL! Feelings? We don't have no stankin' feelings!.....Sorry.

Gotta run, I'll be back...

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: billsgirlie
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 12:48am

Tami!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: billsgirlie
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 2:37am
Hi Pam ~

I love that game at the dinner table, great way to get & keep boys talking about whats going on in their lives !! We do use that too, we say "What's the best thing that happened today? " Whats the worst? - I think it is amazing what they'll start talking about when asked this question. If you ask them how was your day all you get is , "Alright" and thats it. GOod for you on taking that step on letting the boys know about the marriage to come in the future. It will help them start getting used to the idea. I think that is a great move, congratulations on being brave !

Tami

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: billsgirlie
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 2:42am
Hi there Chris !!!

I like you alot ! LOL -(I've been married and divorced 4 times. I got that part down pat!)haha! I look forward to being a part of this board,thanks for the welcome.

tami

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: billsgirlie
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:37am
Hi Tami!

This weekend the kids were with their dad. When they got home last night, my youngest (11yo) sat on the couch and asked "how was your weekend?"...I said GREAT. Then he asked what did Bob and I do? I said not much. We took care of some chores, we saw a movie and we planted plants and it was all wonderful. So I asked him about his weekend and he said it was "GREAT, too". He rode his bike and had fun with his dad. They are trining for a fundraising Ride Across Maryland, for Aids.

My oldest son (15) had a "great" weekend as well, which probably means he didn't do much of anything. LOL!!!

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.