New here - need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2010
New here - need some advice
22
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 1:55pm

I am hoping this is the right board. I don't really know where to start.


I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 3:00pm
I would assume that your BF does not have any kids from the 1st marriage? I find that people who don't have kids are usually the ones who are quick to criticize other's parenting and think "my kids will never do that" because they have unrealistic ideas of how easy parenting must be. I am totally opposed to corporal punishment myself although I admit that on occasion I did slip up & spank my kids when they were little, but I was ashamed & sorry that I did it. I think hitting a 7 yr old child shows that a person has limited ideas of how to parent. I know that a lot of people wouldn't agree w/ me and I don't think that every parent who spanks their kids is a child abuser. I just think there are better ways to discipline. I think this is a difficult situation since you are already pregnant. I'm not sure what to tell you to do--if you weren't pregnant, I'd just advise you to leave him, but he's going to be involved w/ you & the baby anyway. I would start by having discussions about his thoughts about how to discipline children and why he disagrees w/ how you are raising your DD. I think this is a situation that needs to be explored a lot before the baby is born and it will give you more information about what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 9:10pm

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} to you Spagal....


A difficult enough situation....then add pregnancy , a hot summer (ugh!) , and the depression/anxiety without meds on top of hormonal stuff.....


whew!!


I would echo musiclover almost 100%....my experiences with my kids, my thoughts etc!


One thought I had........would be some sort of family counselor for you and BF to help with dynamic of DD................I agree your BF most likely is over reacting, and , yeah, my money is on the odds his kids will do EVERYTHING he says his kids will never do (all parents learn this the hard way, LOL !)...............but especially since you have dx of depression/anxiety, I'm thinking you could probably get insurance coverage for some counseling sessions, and hopefully he can go with you to some and can work on some issues re: parenting roles/expectations, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2010
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 3:51pm

Thank you both for responding.


My BF does not have any children of his own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 4:25pm

You know, there are alot of good "parenting classes"/"parenting workshops" etc out there........(e.g. Love and Logic, How to Talk so Kids will Listen)...........


really, I think that ANY of the parenting classes/workshops that a school would recommend you to would DEFINITELY support YOUR views on how to parent versus his.


That said.......(since he thinks your DD is a "brat"--> hence needs better parenting), could you approach this as YOU are taking his advice re: learning how to become a better parent, and ask him to go along with you to these? (you're shy and dont want to go alone, whatever....)


Whether he takes to heart what's presented there or not is hard to say......but at least it's worth a try, in my opinion.


You could call the school and ask for suggestions on where to find such a class/workshop.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 1:59pm

Welcome SpaGal!

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 3:52pm

<<< DBF has nothing to do with the parenting since its not his place >>>


To be honest I see this as part of the issue. If your DBF is your life partner, the father of your "child on the way" and the

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 10:08am

Very interesting POVs, RQ.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 11:08am

I think this is another area where there isn't a clear cut right or wrong but if people have different expectations it will cause a lot of conflict--that's what the role of a stepparent is going to be. My 2nd DH & I didn't discuss this a lot before we got married, which was a BIG BIG mistake. My "assumption" was more like Pam's where I would be in charge of my own kids (w/ their dad) & he would be in charge of his DD (her mother had died). We also had very different ideas of parenting & rules--he would say that I was too lenient & I would say that he was too strict. So all of that caused tremendous conflict.

I think the amount of influence that a stepparent has is related to a lot of things. 1) if the bio parent is in the picture and takes an active part in parenting, then I think the step's influence is less because the child already has 2 parents and doesn't really need or want another one. I do think if the bio parent isn't around or isn't that interested, then the step kind of takes the place of the parent. 2) the age of the child at the time the step comes into their life. The younger the child is, the more influence the step will have on raising them. If they are already teenagers, then they are going to look at the step differently.

My own experience w/ my DSD (who I met when she was 10 & we got married 3 yrs later) was that we never had a parent-child relationship but we got along ok and I would do the same things for her that I would do for my own kids, such as take her shopping, give her rides to her friend's house, etc. But I do see your point that it's inconsistent to think that if the BF is expected to be kind of standing out of the picture when it comes to raising the OP's child, then it's only natural that he would prefer his own bio child. I think that quite often people do prefer their own bio children to their stepchildren, but most people won't come right out & say it. But to be honest, I preferred my own children over my DSD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 2:01pm

For us (my DH and I) when my son is with us WE are the parents and when he is with his dad and step mom THEY are the parents.


We have had some bumps but almost all have been my DH and I disagreeing with my ex and his wife and vice versa. The main issue being their lifestyle, daily choices on everything from medical to what kind of music they listen to, to dsicipline to art conflicts greatly with my DH and my own lifestyle etc...


We actually havent had much or any parenting issue between me and DH and the ones we have with my xh have come to the agree to disagree stage.


It can be a hard transition for my son....the huge differences in the family lifestyle etc...but neither his father or I will or even can

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2010
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 11:00am

I have been reading the posts and thinking about all that has been said. I do know that being hormonal, emotional and without any medication can make any molehill into a mountain. Luckily I try and think things through and seek advice and other points of view.


I see myself as more authoratative - I like the middle ground. I lay out rules, stick to them and have consequences that match the offense. I realize to some extent that kids will be kids.

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