New, long and need some advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2012
New, long and need some advice.
5
Sat, 01-19-2013 - 3:09pm

Hi, 

 I am new to the boards here and am hoping to be able to reach out, get some fresh ideas or maybe just have someone to listen to me, of course I would like to offer the same to others as well.

 Without too much jabber, here is my dilemma. Please feel free to weigh in your advice.

 My ex husband, Jeremy and I were married for 7 years. During that time, I helped him battle several addiction issues- porn- drugs and most of all drinking. He would spend late nights out with his friends, whom I knew were all cheating on their wives (if married) and the single ones were just trying to pick up chics. I know he was never unfaithful, but stood up for the guys and definately put his habits before me or our 3 children. I finally gave up when he would come home in drunken rages and I would try to take the keys from him- and I would be thrown into walls, he would break $2000 TVs and expect me to replace them the following day because it was my fault (for trying to take the keys away)- I found out he began to go with his friends and sell drugs and started frequenting strip clubs. I had an exit plan for over a year, and finally left.

 The week I left, I had a business trip out of state and came home to pack my things. On that business trip, I met someone who I will Alan. He was super nice, and everyone on the business trip not only respected him but reviewed him as one of the top agents in our industry. During that time, each one of us in the seminar got extremely close and we were celebrating our "graduation" our final night out of town. He asked me to dance, after a long talk and I accepted.

 A few days later, Alan sent me a text asking how the move was going and a strong friendship delveloped. We began texting non stop, and he would call twice a day just to make sure I was ok and that I hadn't been hurt anymore.

 About a month later, we decided that we wanted to see each other again and met about half way (we live 5 hours from each other)- and honestly, we didn't leave the hotel room for food or anything. He made me fell just like in the texts (like I was the only thing that mattered)-

 The day after I returned home I pulled up his twitter account and noticed that he had a tweet from SEVERAL months before we met, stating he had a wife. I knew from our talk he too was going through a divorce, but the verbage of the tweet didn't set right with me. I asked him about it and he confessed that although he had been going through a divorce (for 2 years battling for custody of his kids) he had been with someone he had called his wife, that he was engaged to but that it had ended before we met, and he was sorry he didn't tell me, he never imagined we would become so close)---

 It startled me, I tried to end the friendship because I felt lied to... but I knew that his friendship meant more to me than I realized, we were going through the exact same battles. His ex wife was an addict, we were building a business in the same industry, we had both lost our homes, cars, and custody of our children for a temporary time- we really needed just someone to confide in, listen and be there through our struggles which were almost identical.

 I met with him again a few weeks later, and we spent time doing things that normal couples do, just watch TV or hang out, went out on the town, and had a wonderful time. After 3 months, he confessed he loved me. It felt natural, it felt right, but I had this nagging feeling that no man could be as amazing as he was. All the right words, at just the right time, all the right thought patterns- it was to me, like I had met that person who was made just for me... but I still had this nagging feeling. I would ask about it, and he would explain he had it sometimes but it was due to what we had been through, that we had to realize we could trust each other- that we wouldn't repeat the same patterns we had previously etc.

 We saw each other about two times a month after that, and everytime I felt more at ease, more at peace. We didn't tell a soul we were anything more than close friends, but we talked about the future, helped each other with ideas on helping the kids- and above all stated we didn't want to meet the others children because we didn't want the kids risking getting attached. We were in every way "secret" from the outside world.

 This began eating at him, he would state that just because others thought we were moving on too quick he didn't care- he wanted the world to know how much he adored me. A few months later, I took the plunge and let him meet my kids. They adored him- ADORED him. My oldest, who is a very good judge of character and hated my ex with a passion told me what a great guy I had met, and that it was nice to see his mom being treated with respect (doors held open etc).

 Still, that nagging feeling was there but I ignored it. Then, over Christmas he came to where I live and I introduced him to my family. Mind you- I have NEVER brought a guy home my family adored. My mom looked at me after and said "he's the one"- my grandmother asked him to call him grandma, and my family was just in awe.

 Still, nagging feeling. The day after Christmas, I woke up in this horrible mood and he asked what was bothering me, he was so down because of me, and kept asking me to communicate what was wrong, so I spilled my guts. I didn't think I was capable of trust. I didn't believe that him and the fiancee' he had were over when we got together, I felt like he cheated on her with me, and was terrified he would do it to me as well. (It wouldn't be that hard since we live 5 hours away).

 He stated they were over, but she hadn't moved out... she was saving for a new place at the time, he finally gave up and moved in with his parents. He said she still tries to contact him at least once a month to see his kids- and he ignores her calls and texts- pulled out his phone and verified not only the missed calls but the unresponded to texts and said he would do whatever it took to earn my trust, and would be willing to wait for me to learn that he's a good guy.

 I know he loves me, no guy would do the things he does if he didn't care. His mom and I text, and she says he has never been this happy, and that he thinks with his heart too much and gets hurt - she's open with me about him having past problems, and her and I have gotten close even though we've never met face to face. His family knows about me, and he is begging for me to come meet them and his kids- he says he knows that I am what he's been looking for his whole life, and that he wants to find a way to either move me to him, or him move to me and my kids.

 I admit, he's nothing short of amazing- he's brilliant, polite, NOT a drinker, is an amazing amazing dad, hard worker, and makes me feel like the sun shines and sets because I am in the world, he has sent flowers, is constantly asking if I am ok financially in case I need money (which I never accept)- and puts a lot of thought and effort into the gifts he gives- he goes above and beyond what anyone in my life has ever done.... and my god is he amazingly good looking.

 But I can't get rid of this fear, that I'm not the only one. I tell him, he says I am it.. for good. he's willing to prove anything I need him to, but I just can't ask or know how he could prove it, and he shouldn't have to right?

 So, how do i get rid of the fear- or do I just back out and end it now? My family keeps saying "take it slow get to know one another"- but that's just it, we've been dating now 10 months, it's not like we can have that big of a physical relationship due to the mileage- but we talk through calls, text, whatever NON STOP about EVERYTHING. I know him honestly, better than I have ever known anyone, or is this all just some act he has for me to get me to him and then I get hurt again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sun, 01-20-2013 - 1:48pm

"or is this all just some act he has for me to get me to him and then I get hurt again?"--

No, I dont think it's some deliberately planned act...........but that doesnt mean it might not turn out 110% as wonderful as it seems, either..........

My 2 cents--

Dont rush things-----just take your time.

I think you need to start spending some of these weekends together in HIS town, where you really meet his mom/family/friends face to face,..........and see things in his home environment first hand.  

The things with ex/w and ex fiance seem weird.........but seeing it all first hand will help you ALOT, I think.  I didnt realize how much contact my SO was getting from his exW until we started living together.  Also, sometimes behavior/contact from dysfunctional ex's ramps up once they realize he's serious re: new woman (you)---so another reason to show up in his town now, and let that play out before deciding to move there..........

I think your fears are justified based on your past.  Give it another 10 months with visiting his town/family often----if you still have these fears---end it or see a counselor for help with perspective....

I'm sure others will have good advice for you too.  This board is slow on weekends.

BEST WISHES and Keep Us Posted !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 01-21-2013 - 1:21pm

First of all, good for you for getting out of te bad marriage and moving on.

I do agree, that spending some time on his turf would be beneficial. I am in a LDR now, we are 5 hours away and like you, we spend a lot of time on the phone and email (he refuses to text, very annoying!). Its seeing how someone interacts with thier friends and family that really will give you greater insight as to his true character, since you have doubts.

The ex fiancee and ex wife thing seems odd, maybe he jumped into another relationship too fast?  But that is something you will have to judge for yourself

Have you thought about talking to a counselor, regarding your own trust issues? I thought about it, but never did, and in hindsight, I think it might have saved some headache and grief on my end

 

Good Luck! I hope he is truly a great guy, when we find them its wonderful

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 01-21-2013 - 1:22pm

double post, sorry

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 01-21-2013 - 2:28pm

First of all, welcome!

At first I was a little concerned, but when you said he handed you his phone, it appears he is sincere.   

Let's not forget the elephant in the room, we all know you two got together way too soon.  I did the same thing, and actually my SO and I were together 2 years before he got divorced.  So trust me, I can relate.  My first M when I was young was also to an abusive alchoholic.  It crushed my self-esteem and left my pretty messed up for a long time, as I then married another alcoholic (who was NOT abusive though).  I have to add that I too, am an alcoholic who has been sober for 15 years now.  My current SO of 7 years is also in recovery, 17 years.  

So, talk about having reason not to trust, hello!  Of course we have reasons not to trust.  

I am so glad you finally fessed up to your nagging instinct.  I had a dream a while back that my SO and his xW had been scamming me all of these years.  It was horrible!  So to have the feeling for real, I can see why you finally lost it.  

Like the others have said, I agree that you need to spend with time with him in his world.  I do think it will be telling.  

A was seeing a guy for about year before I met SO (actually, he is the reason I met SO, so again, I understand the insanity of going from one R to another) and for most of that he was out of state.  I knew he was still legally married, but she was so far away, and we weren't serious, that I didn't give it too much thought.  He made it seem as it was more of a practical financial thing and there nothing left between them.  

I flew down to where he lives just for an "overnighter" and she called while we were eating, and he stepped out side to talk to her.  Hmmmm.....I thought.  Well, none of my business, so whatever.   Come to find out that she had figured out somehow that he had been gone overnight (he was with me at a hotel) and she was wondering what he was up to.  He really isn't into sleeping around with different women, and I don't think that was the case.  But clearly it was more than the two of them simply living in the same town, as most x's do.  

Point being, by being on his turf, more was revealed.  I still don't think he was sleeping with her, but her phone call was telling, and he didn't hide why she was calling.  

I also had a brief R with an old high school friend and had an out-of-town experience.  When on his turf, his true colors showed and it became clear where he truly stood with "her."  The went sour, but we had been friends for so long that I stopped the romance and was able to keep him as a friend.  He was an alcoholic also.  Him and my first DH have both passed away.  

Sorry for the long rambling, I just want you to know that I "get it" and it will truly take time.  And I mean real time, not in months, but possibly years.  

(((((hugs)))))) Hope you stick around!

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2012
Mon, 01-21-2013 - 9:04pm

Applejack,

I agree with the previous posters. I never realized how important it is to take your time with your relationship and don't rush it.

With my ex-fiance, I began to see his true colors atter almost two years and decided my kids and I could not have a happy home with he and his kids.

The other thing I realized is that his relationship with his ex-wife was more than I knew and I only saw this when I would be with him on "unscheduled" days. Anything she needed, he would jump and just leave me sitting in his house alone while he went two streets over to rescue her.

He too seemed perfect at first: wealthy, generous, opened the door, brought me flowers, but there was something in my heart that bothered me. You need to trust your instinct and find out why you have that feeling.

For me, I finally realized that he valued money and status more than family or time with me. It sounds funny that I didn't see it earlier, but it's very clear now.

Just take your time and pay attention to "the nagging feeling."

Good luck and keep us posted!