I am new to the boards here and am hoping to be able to reach out, get some fresh ideas or maybe just have someone to listen to me, of course I would like to offer the same to others as well.
Without too much jabber, here is my dilemma. Please feel free to weigh in your advice.
My ex husband, Jeremy and I were married for 7 years. During that time, I helped him battle several addiction issues- porn- drugs and most of all drinking. He would spend late nights out with his friends, whom I knew were all cheating on their wives (if married) and the single ones were just trying to pick up chics. I know he was never unfaithful, but stood up for the guys and definately put his habits before me or our 3 children. I finally gave up when he would come home in drunken rages and I would try to take the keys from him- and I would be thrown into walls, he would break $2000 TVs and expect me to replace them the following day because it was my fault (for trying to take the keys away)- I found out he began to go with his friends and sell drugs and started frequenting strip clubs. I had an exit plan for over a year, and finally left.
The week I left, I had a business trip out of state and came home to pack my things. On that business trip, I met someone who I will Alan. He was super nice, and everyone on the business trip not only respected him but reviewed him as one of the top agents in our industry. During that time, each one of us in the seminar got extremely close and we were celebrating our "graduation" our final night out of town. He asked me to dance, after a long talk and I accepted.
A few days later, Alan sent me a text asking how the move was going and a strong friendship delveloped. We began texting non stop, and he would call twice a day just to make sure I was ok and that I hadn't been hurt anymore.
About a month later, we decided that we wanted to see each other again and met about half way (we live 5 hours from each other)- and honestly, we didn't leave the hotel room for food or anything. He made me fell just like in the texts (like I was the only thing that mattered)-
The day after I returned home I pulled up his twitter account and noticed that he had a tweet from SEVERAL months before we met, stating he had a wife. I knew from our talk he too was going through a divorce, but the verbage of the tweet didn't set right with me. I asked him about it and he confessed that although he had been going through a divorce (for 2 years battling for custody of his kids) he had been with someone he had called his wife, that he was engaged to but that it had ended before we met, and he was sorry he didn't tell me, he never imagined we would become so close)---
It startled me, I tried to end the friendship because I felt lied to... but I knew that his friendship meant more to me than I realized, we were going through the exact same battles. His ex wife was an addict, we were building a business in the same industry, we had both lost our homes, cars, and custody of our children for a temporary time- we really needed just someone to confide in, listen and be there through our struggles which were almost identical.
I met with him again a few weeks later, and we spent time doing things that normal couples do, just watch TV or hang out, went out on the town, and had a wonderful time. After 3 months, he confessed he loved me. It felt natural, it felt right, but I had this nagging feeling that no man could be as amazing as he was. All the right words, at just the right time, all the right thought patterns- it was to me, like I had met that person who was made just for me... but I still had this nagging feeling. I would ask about it, and he would explain he had it sometimes but it was due to what we had been through, that we had to realize we could trust each other- that we wouldn't repeat the same patterns we had previously etc.
We saw each other about two times a month after that, and everytime I felt more at ease, more at peace. We didn't tell a soul we were anything more than close friends, but we talked about the future, helped each other with ideas on helping the kids- and above all stated we didn't want to meet the others children because we didn't want the kids risking getting attached. We were in every way "secret" from the outside world.
This began eating at him, he would state that just because others thought we were moving on too quick he didn't care- he wanted the world to know how much he adored me. A few months later, I took the plunge and let him meet my kids. They adored him- ADORED him. My oldest, who is a very good judge of character and hated my ex with a passion told me what a great guy I had met, and that it was nice to see his mom being treated with respect (doors held open etc).
Still, that nagging feeling was there but I ignored it. Then, over Christmas he came to where I live and I introduced him to my family. Mind you- I have NEVER brought a guy home my family adored. My mom looked at me after and said "he's the one"- my grandmother asked him to call him grandma, and my family was just in awe.
Still, nagging feeling. The day after Christmas, I woke up in this horrible mood and he asked what was bothering me, he was so down because of me, and kept asking me to communicate what was wrong, so I spilled my guts. I didn't think I was capable of trust. I didn't believe that him and the fiancee' he had were over when we got together, I felt like he cheated on her with me, and was terrified he would do it to me as well. (It wouldn't be that hard since we live 5 hours away).
He stated they were over, but she hadn't moved out... she was saving for a new place at the time, he finally gave up and moved in with his parents. He said she still tries to contact him at least once a month to see his kids- and he ignores her calls and texts- pulled out his phone and verified not only the missed calls but the unresponded to texts and said he would do whatever it took to earn my trust, and would be willing to wait for me to learn that he's a good guy.
I know he loves me, no guy would do the things he does if he didn't care. His mom and I text, and she says he has never been this happy, and that he thinks with his heart too much and gets hurt - she's open with me about him having past problems, and her and I have gotten close even though we've never met face to face. His family knows about me, and he is begging for me to come meet them and his kids- he says he knows that I am what he's been looking for his whole life, and that he wants to find a way to either move me to him, or him move to me and my kids.
I admit, he's nothing short of amazing- he's brilliant, polite, NOT a drinker, is an amazing amazing dad, hard worker, and makes me feel like the sun shines and sets because I am in the world, he has sent flowers, is constantly asking if I am ok financially in case I need money (which I never accept)- and puts a lot of thought and effort into the gifts he gives- he goes above and beyond what anyone in my life has ever done.... and my god is he amazingly good looking.
But I can't get rid of this fear, that I'm not the only one. I tell him, he says I am it.. for good. he's willing to prove anything I need him to, but I just can't ask or know how he could prove it, and he shouldn't have to right?
So, how do i get rid of the fear- or do I just back out and end it now? My family keeps saying "take it slow get to know one another"- but that's just it, we've been dating now 10 months, it's not like we can have that big of a physical relationship due to the mileage- but we talk through calls, text, whatever NON STOP about EVERYTHING. I know him honestly, better than I have ever known anyone, or is this all just some act he has for me to get me to him and then I get hurt again?