new marriage, new babies, heartbroken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
new marriage, new babies, heartbroken.
7
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 3:00pm

Hello, I'm new here.

I"m a first time mom of 7 month old twins and my husband and I have been married for 10 months. This is my first marriege, his 2nd. He has 3 kids from a previous marriage and when we met, he was going through a messy divorce.

Before my husband and I got married/got pregnant, we were so in love, you couldn't peel us away from eachother. we dated for 2 1/2 years. My preganancy was amazing. We dreamed all day for these babies to come. I was independent, I have my own home, a great Job and he had a very large (empty) house and money was no issue.

Yes, we are so blessed, huge house, NO money problems, beutiful babies, loving families (we have NO reason to be having problems) exept, I feel like after I had the babies, my husband changed into someone I don't even recognize anymore. I'm heartbroken. I'm a working mom, (my mom watches our babies during the day at our house)- I get up at 6am, I'm home by 5:30. I race home to feed the babies, to kiss my husband, help his kids with homework and pretend like I'm not exausted, thirsty, hungry etc. My huband has withdrawn from me and our babies completely. He started drinking- he doesn't drink often at all or go out to drink but hes a lightweight and a usually "happy/goofy" drunk has turned mean and has said unreal things, that have shattered my spirit. he doesn't have to drink every day to say the 5 things he's said that have taken the light away from my eyes. He's insulted my mother and my parents who watch our kids and could quite possibly be the nicest, harmless people in the world (my mom does my husbands laungry, and knits his daugther sweaters, my dad hangs up fans for his sons, my parents are the kindest people in the world, humble and old) I'm heartbroken at his behavior twards them. I' think it annoys him that my parents are SO in love with our babies (they are the first grandkids and I'm their only daughter) He says they "smoother" them. Now he wants us to find a nanny, he doesn't want my parents there anymore becuase he feels "sufficated" he doesnt even say hi to our babies when my parents are there. This makes me so sad, I don't even know what to do. How do I tell my parents that my husband wants them to stop caring for our babies? He has turned on my family and says he "knows they dissaprove of him" - Mind you, he's the one who insulted me in front of my mother, then insulted my mother and now walks around and ignores them as much as he can. He made christmas a nighmare. He sat like a 2 year old at my parents house as they handed him gifts with his cell phone in his hand playing scrabble.. I was so upset for my parents (they just smiled away like they always do) . He even slighted our babies on their first christmas- He took HIS 3 kids to his parents house first, where they had christmas presents waiting for them- My babies (their flesh and blood too) did not come (he didn't ask us to go) they got NOT ONE GIFT from his parents, NOT ONE! I'm crying just thinking about it. Then his kids came home with

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2008
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 3:17pm

Hi there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 9:05am
Hi Betrayed---

(ugh! I just typed a long response, and *lost* it before it posted!)

Short version:

I agree with Mrs December....your situation is typical of many with new baby.

Marriage counselor should be on your list....can help you communicate with him...clearly communication isnt his forte--withdrawal is. So, marriage counselor would REALLY help, IMO.

Secondly---
My suggestion: Tone down your parents time in your home when DH is there. It is GREAT that you have grandparents willing to babysit so you can work! However, honestly, be sensative to your DH, and get your folks to clear out when you guys get home in evening. ALSO, since you DO have babysitter readily available---start spending some "date nights" with DH. He misses you---even thought that's not what he's saying...he does. START TELLING DH HOW MUCH YOU MISS HIM (like you described here), and dont BLAME him at all---tell him you want to spend more time with him ALONE---and make small plans to do so. How about once or twice a week, come home, brief shower and change, and you and he go out for hamburger and beer while parents watch kids?

Other observations/thoughts:
RE: your dad doing odd jobs---that's great, HOWEVER, to DH , it might appear more as a "slight" --like the time my mother in law babysat,(not at meal time) and " I cleaned up the kitchen for you" ---implying that I keep the kitchen a mess, that type of slight.

Also , re: xmas,---yes, you and babies should have gone to his folks---however, I can again do devils advocate--he probably rationalized you'd rather be with your own folks, and the babies are too young to know re: presents, and probably receiving a million gifts from your (first grandchildren!) parents----and told his folks not to bother. It's pretty dispicable of his folks not to insist on seeing you/grandkids---but we dont really know what DH told his folks, either (e.g.: "Betrayed only wants to spend Xmas with her folks...."). Next time you see his folks.....act as though you would have been welcome there, and apologize profusely for not being there with babies, and how you're looking forward to spending time there next year.....

One other thought...although not a solution.....but something to think over and discuss with counselor, and DH-----you seem to have a HUGE amount on your plate right now--and you state no financial worries-----how about hiring housekeeping, going out to eat more, OR, cutting back your work hours, if possible? (however, dont cut back your work hours if YOU really dont want to---e.g, you dont want to build resentment towards DH ,e.g "I quit working to make you happy, ....and look how you still act...")

How DH is acting MAY have been part of why/how his other marriage ended? He wants/needs "attention"....which he had from you when you had less responsiblities-------

----Again, I think a counselor would be a plus in helping you work this situation out....

Anyhow, I'm sure you'll get other responses

BEST WISHES! --Keep us posted !!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 10:13am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 12:33pm

Hi and welcome.

Pamela


The choices we make in thought word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 12:54pm

Thank you both for your posts. I do see and agree with you that this does have to do with my time with him and I've been trying to make more, the only problem is that I feel really hurt by the things he's said,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 2:28pm

HI Pamela, thanks for your post. We were talking about getting married when I accidently (more carelessly) got pregnant, unfortunatly, I had a miscarriage. This only fueld our fire to become a family and try again. I ended up with surprise twins 2 months later. so we had a small ceremony with a judge before the twins were born.

I was surprised too that he would be so open to getting married again AND having more kids. I'm still shocked that he wants more! (that's another topic of tention) I have boy/girl twins so the normal comment from people is "one of each! I guess you're done!" I laugh and shrug it off becuase my husband whats more.. as for me, I'm so happy with the ones I have and feel so blessed that I really don't want more right now.. maybe I'll change my mind, maybe I won't, and I definetly don't want to think about more when we're fighting! He doesn't like that he senses I don't want more :(

His ex wife is nothing like me... she was his little sisters best friend who spent months at their house (she was basically another kid for his parents) she fell in lust with him and after high school she wanted nothing more than to get him. So she did and got pregnant (on purpose) 6 months after they started dating with twins (coincidence!) So by age 22 she was a mother of 3 and realized that she didn't want to be a wife or a mother and she left all of them. She was lazy, never had a job, treated him poorly, used drugs..so my husband has primary custody of his 3 kids and wanted a mother and a wife who acted like it. He says he learned alot from his old marriage but unfortunaly, this doesn't apply to me becuase I'm not like her. I think maybe my new found attention to the babies reminded him of when his wife lost intrest in him and their kids.. maybe he's taking those fears out on me... this would not be the first time he makes me pay for her mistakes... I hear this often... Ive told him a million times not to sabotage this marriage... :( I hope we can get through this rough patch. I really do, I love him! :(

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 12:32pm

Welcome to the board, and sorry it has to be under these circumstances.

I am in no way excusing his rudeness or child like behavior, but I do think there is something deeper going on here.

Serenity