Not proud, but need to save my sanity

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Not proud, but need to save my sanity
8
Tue, 11-29-2011 - 9:17am

I hate to admit it, but I did something recently I'm not proud of, but just didn't want to get yelled at again by dh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 11-29-2011 - 10:03am
Hi Starting over--

You know....this just seems like such a "no brainer" for me re: the "joint" finances ARE a huge problem in your "partnership" .....however, maybe the "problem" is more an "control" issue? ....?? ...that without the "joint" funds, your DH feels that he would have no control over $$ issues?

I mean, you can still structure it so that you will have $$ budgeted for saving---a "saving" account that you each put x amount into each month, etc, ...KWIM?

You know, my SO (we've been living together close to 10 years now, just never married) is similar to you, in that he goes and pays for all sorts of stuff for his kids (one in particular) that I DONT feel is right-----BUT, since it 's all coming out of HIS funds, I've become "OK" with "letting it go"------his kids/his choice.

For example, I would look at your DD as being disrespectful/irresponsible to simply charge up all that stuff on your card without even asking/telling you-----AND, since you're just going to go ahead and pay it----why would I expect anything to change with DD 's behaior in the future?....very similar things happen with my SO and this son----son lies to dad, that he needs money for x(supposed legitimate expense), dad gives it to him, then learns it's a lie, and goes on and on how he's done giving son money.....then, a couple months later, son asks again....and dad gives it to him. MY OPINION: of course son is going to continue to do this---BECAUSE IT WORKS---he gets the money. MY POINT: I DONT agree with how my SO handles money with his son---*but* (again) because it's separate, ....yes, I DONT feel as though I should be telling HIM how to spend HIS money on HIS children. And, I agree YOU should not have HIM dictating how YOU spend YOUR money on YOUR children. It's OK (IMO :) ) to give an opinion now and then---like, "how /why do you expect her to stop doing this, when you always pay it for her?" ---but, YES, I agree with you 100% it's your decision, and esp because it's your money.

I think if I were in your shoes----one of these times I'd be mad enough to simply say, "listen, I'm not continuing to go through these fights"----either you go with me to a counselor, or I'm just setting up my own account.

The separate accounts makes it EASIER to "let it go"-----but it's still hard to watch-----so, separate accounts wont solve all of your problems, re: DH has to be committed to learning to "accept" different parenting styles, as you have to "accept" with his kids as well------------------------counseling just seems the best option, not?

Maybe go without him, if he wont go. Maybe they can give you some other ideas, learning more specifics of your situation, anyhow.

BEST WISHES!

PS:
And dont feel bad---my SO hides all what he pays son also!! !! !! ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-29-2011 - 11:08am

My 2nd exH used to go off on what I spent on my kids too--particularly my DD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 11-29-2011 - 1:03pm

I'm torn on this one. I can see where you get rid of the bill and avoid the arguement, but you shouldn't have to. Getting her own credit card is a good start, but how will you pay it without him knowing that you did?

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tue, 11-29-2011 - 1:39pm

Ugh...I feel for you.

I think there is a difference between just not thinking it is important enough to mention,

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Tue, 11-29-2011 - 9:26pm
SO-
I think L makes good points about separate accounts...I know that is a "must" for me in my relationship with SO...I think both parties need to understand that when someone has been married before they bring "baggage" to the new relationship...it isn't your responsibility to "do" (read be financially responsible) for his kids nor he for yours in anyway...so how is it possible that when finances are mixed completely that both partners won't end up feeling resentment for financial decisions the other makes when all the money is being used? My SO is now in a better place financially, however when he wasn't he going above and beyond for them b/c he just didn't have it, nor would I consent to give anymore than what I felt like doing...I disagree with the way his kids are being raised and how they act a lot of the time, there is no way my money will go to continuing that trend...therefore, now that he has some extra money and all of our joint agreed upon bills and expenses are being paid, I'm less likely to say anything about what he's doing...don't get me wrong I agree with L that I might still give my two cents about why I don't think he should...for example DSS 19 recently became a father...we went to christening for baby...SO already gave DSS $ toward christening and I bought a handmade blanket I thought that was enough, however the time came for him to write card and decide if he was going to write a check to put inside...I suggested one number and he wrote check and sealed the card...I said so how much did you put in? He said double what I had suggested...he said he used what I said as a barometer and added a bit...It didn't bother me the way it once would've b/c that $ came from his own account, not mine...
I detect in your posts about this issue you very much have a power struggle over $ going on in your marriage that needs to be addressed...if you recall I said I am a Suzy Orman fan...one of her suggestions in addressing disparity in income and how to have each party be a "contributor" is to assign a percentage to each person so you can determine an amount both people are paying toward your joint expenses so if he makes more he might pay 2/3 to your 1/3 of the total living expenses b/c he makes more, but it allows you to feel like you are contributing as well but at a percentage more in line with your salary...
I'm also going to throw in that her advice is to NEVER touch your 401k to pay expenses (unless it's a dire emergency)....YOU are going to need that $ faster than you know and if it's not there then where will YOU be? Why can't your daughter take out a student loan? I'm thinking another part to that is you still have lingering issues about what your ex may or may not be providing and that you have to "keep up with him"...perhaps if your daughter had to do so, she might be taking the whole "student" thing more seriously...
I can understand where your husband is coming from about the 401k...I'm trying to get SO back on track with his b/c of the divorce and the fact that his ex was such a spender he was never really putting enough away and he's 45...realize your husband loves you and wouldn't want to see you both struggling at a time in your life that is supposed to be fun...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Wed, 11-30-2011 - 8:54am
This is a tough one.. I can see both sides of the problem...I do think that you should think about counseling with your DH ....feeling the need to lie to your partner is NEVER a good thing. It will only lead to more problems.

Malea

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Wed, 11-30-2011 - 12:59pm

I'm actually going to reply to everyone as you all have such wonderful advice and I appreciate ALL of your replies!

1)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Wed, 11-30-2011 - 1:32pm

it all just sounds so difficult, but at least you have it in perspective. I mean, it makes sense what you hve said about buying thre house and paying the bills, you had a plan and are sticking to it. And he just needs to realize (and you have to keep repeating it), he helps his kids as he sees fit and he needs to respect your right to do the same.