Ok, have at it.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Ok, have at it.....
19
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 12:37pm

Yes, I put my husband before my kids. I discuss everything with him. I make sure he knows he is the most important person in my life. He is my best friend. My children did know him before we married, they knew and liked him for years. Was I lucky? Or, did I make a reasonable choice? I have been with DH for 12 years, through the boys growing up and all their individual issues.

So far, marriage two is working out well for all of us.

For some reason, it is being made sound like I do not love my children, that I do not care about them. I certainly do. I have spent the last 12 years, teaching them how to love well. How to care for their partners and relationships, with respect and compassion. I do it by showing that to my husband, by example, and in turn by treating them the same way.

If you want me to stop explaining my POV, I will. I respect the women on here who say their children come first. I just don't understand, why they don't understand that it can under mind the relationship, especially in a second marriage. I don't agree that husbands should just assume it either. Same with the dads that cater to the kids, at the expense of the new GF or DW.

ALL of this should be discussed openly and honestly before hand, IMHO.

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 5:08pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 6:51pm

I would never think that you don't care about your kids--just the opposite. I know you, your ex & your DH all are supportive to what your kid need. I guess I never thought about choosing any member of the family to be "first." Like if you have more than one child, you would never say that you would put the needs of one child before the others. And at times, each member of a family is going to have more needs than someone else and maybe more attention/money or whatever.

I think that either way can go to extremes. I think that there are people on here who give examples of catering to the kids from the 1st marriage at the expense of the 2nd marriage, like they will change visitation around all the time & never consult the 2nd spouse, do whatever the first wife wants, etc. Then it could be the other extreme--like I've heard people who are not married yet saying "I really love this guy & want to marry him but he doesn't like my kids & they don't like him." I really want to tell those people that they are really going to be unhappy living in a house where they are in the middle of people who don't like each other. I don't think that either extreme is good.

I know you place a lot of importance on the marital relationship and I think that's good. But aside from minor disagreements, I don't think you have a situation where what your DH wants is conflicting a lot w/ what your kids want, at least from what I read. Like I know one of your boys has needed counseling & lives at home. Since your DH is a guy who strongly believes in counseling, I'm sure he supports what you are doing for your DS. But what if your DH said "This kid is over 18, he should be working & on his own and we don't have enough money to pay for counseling." Would you just go along w/ what your DH said even if you disagreed & thought it was bad for your DS? I think those are the thorny problems that arise a lot more in a 2nd marriage when the bio parent feels in the middle between what the kids wants or need & what the 2nd spouse wants or needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 7:55pm
Pamela, I agree with your position. And it doesn't mean that you don't love your kids, or you love your husband more. The marriage is the foundation of a stable and happy home, and that relationship must come "first", so that all the other relationships built on and from that foundation are stable. I have seen the same modeled in my grand-parent's marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 7:21am
Pam, Your previous reply does seem to have ruffled some feathers so to speak. Your POV of marriage and DH as priority could be misinterpeted as being neglectful of the children if someone wanted to base their opinion on only 1 or 2 lines of a reply. No, I do not think you are neglectful,actually I think you have worked hard to find that balance of being a great mom, wife and person so that life runs smoothly as possible for your household. You are an awesome human being for accomplishing that when so many are still trying to figure out the key to their own happiness. Seldom can a concept or or any idea be explained in 1 or 2 sentences. It takes the willingness to learn and explore the reasoning behind any idea. Then we make our choices for our own situation. Sometimes it is difficult when we are slapped in the face with the realization that the problems we now are faced with were in some way the result of actions and decisions we made. Counseling is going to ask the same questions of this poster, and she will need to explore and accept some responsibility for her contribution to the situation. There were many times in counseling when I had to face up to my part in a situation,accept that my die hard opinion just may not be correct but was only my perception, and work to change what needed changed. And yes there were actually times my feelings and ego were a little hurt because the counselor would point out that I was not always the victim and that there were many times I was fueling the fire to my own demise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 8:05am

Liz asked me what I would do if: What if: but she prefaced that with

. Since your DH is a guy who strongly believes in counseling, I'm sure he supports what you are doing for your DS.

The answer Liz is that I wouldn't have married him if I wasn't sure he had that mindset, so the "what if" wouldn't come up. I don't know if that means I put the children first. I thought it meant that I couldn't 'love and marry' a man who wasn't compassionate towards others, and in our house that means unwanted dogs as well. LOL!

He had known the boys for so long, so not only was he aware that everyone has issues, he had an understanding that my oldest son's issues could very well get worse, which they did. He is not a man who can hide his head behind denial, oh, like my ex.

It took us quite a few years to learn and accept that we were both genuine. We were both patient. Falling in love is great and thrilling and can be very, very misleading, which is something I learned the first time around. I think when we have watched a marriage disintigrate, we all believe we not repeat that. I was pretty darn sure I didn't. BUT, I was past the age of having more children, and I know that is factor for some. I was in no hurry.

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 1:29pm

Personally, I do not understand how one can be "first" at all times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 4:48pm

I do think the key is choosing the right person, although I tend to agree w/ what hibooboo said--not everyone is going to come first in a family, just like you can't always say that a marriage is 50-50. Sometimes one person gives more than others.

Now that I think about it it's not surprising that there were conflicts between my 2nd DH & my kids because he didn't treat his own DD that well. One little thing is that when I was over he made her go to bed unusually early for an 11 or 12 yr old just so we could be alone. Now I know she had to get up early on school days but this was basically a way to "get rid of her." But more importantly, he had a bad temper and thought nothing of yelling at her, even if she cried. Now he never really yelled at my kids or threatened them, but it was more subtle, like saying that he wasn't "picking on" my Dd, yet taking every opportunity to criticize her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 7:44pm

It can be very subtle, I agree. And I do not believe that marriage is 50/50. I believe marriage needs to be 100/100. We both put 100% in. The things we do, what we are good at individually are different, but that whole 50/50 concept just leads to too many score keepers.

We both agreed that we would give 100%, and that's what we do.

As a couple, we collaborate, cooperate and discuss how to deal with everything, including the kids. You are right that sometimes things happen where the kids get all of my attention, but it's not 24/7. It's when things arise, and they get his attention as well. We are a partnership.

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 11:51am

I have no idea which thread prompted this but I have to say that I pretty much agree with your POV.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 7:06pm

And I do not believe that marriage is 50/50. I believe marriage needs to be 100/100. We both put 100% in. The things we do, what we are good at individually are different, but that whole 50/50 concept just leads to too many score keepers.


Wow, what a great way of putting it!


I find myself keeping score lately. this is something i never thought i would do and i don't think i'm doing it conciously... but your words convict me. And will attempt to stop keeping score and work on just giving it my all.


And as for the husband coming first. I agree, Pam. You say it so well and put it into a very good perspective.


Loonybunny

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