OMG!!! DF's ex is having a baby!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
OMG!!! DF's ex is having a baby!
8
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 5:28pm
And I'm not handling the news too well... DF found out this morning when his daughter called to wish him a Happy Birthday and she told him that her mom announced it yesterday. He told me later in the day and my nerves have just been on edge ever since. Now I really HATE that woman!!!! There are so many emotions going on inside me. Where to start...

She and her BF got engaged about 1-2 weeks before DF and I did. She is 37 years old now. She is a horrible role model as far as being a mother is concerned. Discipline is not her middle name, if you know what I mean. She barely has two dimes to rub together. Just leased a Ford Expedition because it has a DVD player and looks like high society. Drove down to SeaWorld and Madeira beach with her fiance, 2 daughters and her future step-daughter for spring break. When will it end??? When will the common sense kick in??? When will she stop thinking that the gravy train will continue to roll in??? When will she realize that her DF doesn't make enough money to pay his child support, her uncontrollable spending habits, and now a new child???

I'm agonizing over whether I want to have children or not with DF in the forseeable future and here she is popping out a third baby!!! She has no right becoming a mother to another disadvantaged child!!! She is so selfish and immature that she'll ruin this child and drive apart her second marriage and create further havoc to her two girls. Why did she even think that it would be okay to have another kid???

I told my DF that I wouldn't put it past her if she purposely 'tried' to see if she can even get pregnant in order to keep her man around since he was having serious doubts about staying with her. And rightfully so. She is an emotional leach. She never grew up past 16. And she'll keep trading guys to feed her needs.

My DF and I moved up our wedding date to this July to coincide with his family's reunion. His daughters already think we're married just because we got engaged. They were so excited to think that they would have a new brother or sister with DF and I. Now, there is nothing to compare to their mom having a baby. She's like a god to them because she spoils them. Now DF and I will look like the evil ones because we're strict and we discipline them. More so than before. I just hope the scheduling of the weekends don't keep getting worse. She'll constantly pull the woe is me bit.

I just don't understand when DF told me that how difficult it was for her to get pregnant that she would do this. It's like she wants to flaunt it in his face and almost make it look like he was the infertile one and not her. I was hoping to prove her wrong next year, but now she's beat me to the punch. I don't like the idea that I've never had any children of my own, may decide never to have any of my own, and here she is bringing another into the world. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with me for being selfish with my body and my lifestyle.

It's weird, I'm not jealous of her situation (because it will progressively get worse) since the odds are against her that everything will turn out fine. But I am jealous of how she will continously come out smelling like a rose in her daughters' eyes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 12:27pm
Whew. It's obvious that you really, really need to stop worrying about this woman and stop letting her have such control (yes, control) over your relationship with your family. Please stop thinking about her and focus on YOUR family before she tears you in two.

First, I do applaud you being "strict" with the kids. No matter how "cool" they may see their mom, what they need most are nurturing parents who aren't afraid to be parents. Now, esp. since their mom is a floozy, they need role models. This is your big chance. Also, kids need parents to be parents, not best friends. Stick to doing what is right. Don't put their mom down in their presence. Act like an adult and do what's right for them. I'll bet in the years to come they will see who really did what was best for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 12:41pm
Yes, my DF said the same thing. It's out of our hands and I cannot let it bother me so much or else our own relationship will not survive. I just had to get the feelings of incredulousness out of me. It takes a while with me, but eventually I get there. Thanks for the words of wisdom and letting me vent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 12:59pm
Sure, venting can be cleansing!

I think part of the reason you are so upset is that you know what a lousy mom she will make. Unfortunately there are many out there who have no business having kids. Such things really bother many people, esp when it hits close to home. I do understand your frustration about this. But it sounds like you will make a great step-mom, so maybe best focus on being the best you can, and loving your DF and his kids!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 10:23am
I think you need to try to step back from the situation and give it a critical look. It is not a competition between you and his ex. Fertility or infertility is not some sort of game to win. If you and your fiance choose to have a child together, it should be for that reason, not to prove something to the ex. She doesn't matter! He already chose not to be with her, and he chose to be with you! Unfortunately, he and his ex are tied together through the children, but it is a situation you knew would be a fact when you chose to marry him.

No matter how much you adore his daughter, and how awful her mother is, the fact remains that that is her mother. In time, she will realize on her own what her mother's faults are. For the present, she is only a child. It will only hurt her and your relationship with her to try to point out to her what a disfunctional, awful person her mother us. It is something she will recognize when she is old enough. What you CAN do is give her the things her mother doesn't give her--support, stability, and unconditional love. Those are the things that matter, and the things that will make a difference to her when she is older. She will understand the difference between blood (her mother) and true, selfless love (you).

You are absolutely not in competition with his ex, and if you were, it would be a competition that could NEVER have a winner. Your whole family would come out losers for it.

You have the fabulous opportunity to rise to the occasion and be the savior for his children. Do it with your whole heart, and never have anything bad to say about their mother. Believe me, they will consider you a saint when they are older.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 2:50pm
Brother! Who are YOU to determine or say WHO should have babies? You are WAY too consumed with this woman. It's unhealthy. I say ... get your own life! You are the only one upset like this. She sure isn't.
Avatar for mellen130
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 4:11pm
It seems to me that the real issue here isn't about your DF's ex having a baby, it is about your uncertainty about whether or not you are going to have a baby and the insecurity you have over your position in the hearts of your DF's children.

Believe me, those kids are going to love BOTH babies equally. They will be thrilled for their Mom to give them a new sibling and they will be thrilled for you and their father to give them a new sibling when you are ready to do so. Think of it this way -- your baby will be born after hers and thus will be the youngest sibling and the newest for them. Also, they will get some practice with newborns with her baby so that they will know what to expect and how to act with yours (and believe me that will be a relief to you as a new mother).

If I were you, I would actually be thrilled to hear that the ex is having a baby with her new man. It shows that she is moving on with her life and is cementing her relationship with him further. I would think that you'd be happy about that aspect of it. Don't waste time worrying about their financial picture. They will find a way to make things work out; people always do.

Don't drag yourself down in negativity about the situation. Try to look for the positives and feel good about your own situation. You shouldn't need to bash on others to feel good about yourself. You need to focus on making a final decision about having a child or not and feeling good about whatever you decide. If you don't mind me asking, how come you are agonizing so much about it?

HUGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 12:02pm
I believe that we humans as the dominant species on this planet are overpopulating it and destroying its natural resources to the point where it doesn't make sense to be giving birth to yet more children who will suffer for our selfish tendicies. Within the next few generations, we'll have overpopulated the US and then what??? We start bombing our own neighbors in order to fight for a homestead? At some point, we'll be wiping each other out with nuclear weapons. Is this the future you feel comfortable giving your descendants? You can't stop polution and overpopulation without stopping the reproductive capabilities of humans. And yet we have that capability but aren't using it for the benefit of the planet. We're using it to selfishly control when we have children, deferring it to later in life when we start creating other problems for ourselves. I just don't get it. Why create life when we keep destroying the very things that we need to sustain life?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 1:08pm
Having a child or not is a very private decision. I respect the decision of people who decide not to have a child because of the state of our world. However, I would like those same people to respect my decision to have a child because I dearly love being a mother, and cannot imagine my life without my children in it. Who's to say that one of my children may be instrumental in solving the problems of the world when they grow up? I know this is not a debate board and I'm not trying to turn this discussion into a debate - all I'm saying is that none of us have any right to pass judgement on anyone else's decision to have or not have a child. We have the means within our society to procreate or not to, whichever we decide is best for ourselves and our families. Population control is not the job of the government in our country, but a personal choice made by each and every one of us. If I want to have another child, I do not want someone else telling me I shouldn't. And since I have made the decision (and had the appropriate surgery) to not have anymore children, I do not want criticism for that decision, either. My husband and I each have two children, are over 40, and do not wish to "start over" with the baby phase. However, others in a similar situation have decided they want a child with the new spouse - and (within certain limits) that is OK, too. I'm not sure I agree with the 50+ women having surrogates to have more kids, but hey - if it happens, it happens. I am not so miserable in my little corner of the world that I don't think I can share it with my children, but I'm not going to tell you that you need to change your view and have a child because it will make you "complete". It's a personal choice, and everyone should be allowed to make and live with their own choices.