One more question! In laws?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
One more question! In laws?
10
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 2:22pm
One more question!

One more challenge we hit is the "in laws" thing.

My family is (understandably) protective of me. I don't live w/ them, but we have a close relationship. One of his concerns is that my family is very different from his. They are the type to send gifts at Christmas, but probably won't invite him and the kids over for Christmas dinner. (Afterall, they aren't my parent's grandkids - though he wishes they would embrace them as such.) In all honesty, even if my parents had biological grand kids, they aren't really the babysitting type. They can handle kids in small doses, and that's about it. They enjoy their empty nester status. ;)

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 7:13pm

Short answer, you are right not to expect your parents to change, and your BF will need to learn to except that also.


My second MIL never really treated my kids as her family.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 9:34pm
Similar to you (I think), I have no kids and my parents aren't necessarily thrilled with the financial obligations my SO has to 4 kids. Therefore, I believe it is in everyone's best interests not to co-mingle...My parents have very rarely (I'm talking I can count on one hand in 5 years) met my SOs kids and in some ways I think it is better that way. On top of the fact they're not always well behaved and then I would be dealing with even more from my parents like (why are you in this relationship type stuff)...I think it has actually worked out okay...I think my SO would like it if there could be more "blending", but he doesn't push it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 1:14am
Thanks! I think it helps me to hear that it's fairly common for families not to just adopt another person's kids. My mom often gives me advice when I'm out alone w/ her and she'll give my BF advice when (on the rare occasions) we go out w/ them, but that's about the extent of their involvement.

I'm okay with that and have learned to accept it. When all is said and done, my parents are who they are, and it is what it is, ya know? I know they love me and won't "disown" me no matter what decisions I make in life. But they won't always participate in something they don't really support - and I totally respect that too. They don't do it out of malice. I appreciate them acting honestly w/ me.

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 2:00pm


Yeah, this is kind of how mine operate too...I think my parents have come to understand that it's my decision to make not theirs (although they might wish to have more of a say) and if they want to keep a relationship with me, they know what they have to do...In the beginning it was really hard and I had a few very big arguments with them (which they weren't really used to) and they could feel that their relationship with me was in jeopardy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 6:16pm

I have been very blessed...everyone on both sides loves everyone else pretty much (the exception being the few fam mems I have disowned due to their treacherous, backstabbing BS, but...who cares about them?!).


Not everyone on his dide of the fam have met all of my fam or my kiddo and vice versa but I dont think it matters. When everyone does meet everyone will get along spledidly...I think this comes from the fact that we both have LARGE fams (or did, much of my DHs has passed)...we just kinda see you as more of what we've already got.


In fact I often think my fam loves Robbie more than me...and if we ever had a child together (we will not) OMG.....that kid would be adored by everyone, everywhere. Much like my son already is :)




Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 11:14am
My family was kind of the opposite--they treated my DSD the same as their own. My mom lives w/ my aunt (my dad already died) and we used to go to their house frequently for Sunday dinner. They are probably more like your BF's family--Italian & you always have the whole extended family around. My mom would always give birthday & Christmas gifts to my DSD just like my kids. Now I'm divorced from my 2nd DH (2 yrs now) and my DSD is 20 and she just stopped in to see my mother on her own, so she really appreciated the attention. But I do agree that you can't make your parents change what they are like. When your BF says that you need parental support, what does he mean? Babysitting or financial support? I will be working full time for quite a while now & I already have a 21 yr old DD so if she gets married & has kids early I am not going to be available for babysitting, except on the weekends==and I'm not going to spend all my weekends babysitting while I'm working full time either. My kids will never be able to count on me to be doing daycare like a lot of grandparents are able to do. As far as money, I would be concerned about marrying someone who still relies on his parents to support himself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 4:46pm

Great question musiclover12.

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2010
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 11:27am

My BF has no children of his own so I can't speak for how my own family would react.


As for his family,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 11:54am
If I were your mom ( or best friend) I would be concerned about you marrying a guy w/ 3 kids who has a "challenging financial picture." This is off topic and you don't have to answer, but have you discussed finances & what it is going to mean to you? Have you thought about whether you will combine your money or have joint accts? (Based on being in a 2nd marriage and hearing about the experiences of people on this board, I would recommend not combining all your money but sharing expenses). I would be concerned because a lot of women in 2nd marriages end up being very resentful of the money their DHs have to pay in c.s. and how it ends up that their household doesn't have enough money. Just something to consider.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 3:12pm

I got lucky with my 2nd marriage in that my mother-in-law really embraced my kids.