Passion & Compatibility?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Passion & Compatibility?
15
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 10:54am

Hi all -

I'm single mom & have a profile on a couple of online dating sites. One of them asks at least 100 questions & I think it does a pretty good job at asking the right questions for compatibility & lists rating on your profile & gives your stats w/other users. I do know that I do want someone I'm compatible with - however due to my past relationships being ones where I either had compatibility w/someone & lacked passion or had passion & lacked compatibility, I know that I do not want to enter another on unless I have both. I definitely know I won't marry again unless I have both. So just wondering what you guys feel here - do you feel you can really have both w/someone or are both of those terms - compatibility & passion just oxi-morons? lol

Thx for reading!

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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 11:26am

Good question!

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 11:40pm

Like you said - both can be broad terms. When I say passion - I don't just mean in the actual physical sense - some people just seem to have more chemistry than others. For example, the whole opposites attract thing...some people say make the kite & rock analogy -the rock being the more grounded of the two, the kite being more like the entertainment...therefore the two seem to balance each other out & have more chemistry. This is sort of what I mean with the passion part of things...two people who are really different, so it makes the relationship more interesting, but often more challenging as well. These relationships usually fall into the "oh I just fell so in love" category - maybe only happening a few times in a lifetime. Where as some relationships are more like a...I "love" so in so - but it's not the same as "love" "love". Good sex life is a good sex life, but it just applies to the physical part of attraction, I think passion is something greater. This would've been me & my XH. We were total opposites & had passion, but just didn't have a functional relationship b/c we seemed to have too many differences, also difference in values & where we were at in life. Then there are people you have more in common w/, therefore the relationship seems to be more functional & less about passion - you can still have good sex w/someone you're compatible with, but there just isn't as much spark. You may be able to accomplish great things together an enjoy sharing time etc., but there's just not the same chemistry. I also had a relationship like this as well - and there wasn't any intellectual chemistry - physical, but not intellectual and not as much as emotional as I would've liked either.

Sometimes sparks fade, but sometimes they don't. I've seen couples who still seem just as in love with each other & seem to have that passion or that chemistry after a lifetime together...who knows if they were really "compatible" or not or how functional their relationship was, they just let the flame lead. But then there are some couples that have lasting relationships off of what just seems commonalities and interests. Maybe these couples do have both, I just don't know? I just feel that if it isn't possible to have both, I don't want to commit myself for a lifetime to either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 9:27am

I think I kind of understand what you are saying.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 1:11pm
The analogy of behavior w/kids & dogs is funny & true.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 7:19pm
Thanks so much for posting this!!!

My current SO and I are trying to sort out a few things in our relationship. One of his big concerns is that we don't have enough in common. Oh sure - they physical chemistry is amazing, but outside of that, he wonders. I did too - for a long time.

We are VERY different people. I can see how those differences can be challenging, but they can also be complimentary in a lot of ways as well. Yes -I'll probably never jump up and down about going to a metal concert and he'll probably never be excited about going to the latest musical theater production out there. But I don't HATE metal, and I've exposed him to some more modern theater and he enjoys it - just wouldn't seek it out.

We have actually taken the sex out of our relationship. It's been almost a year and it has definately changed the dynamics.

When I look at my parents (married almost 40 years) I don't see a lot of obvious spark. But I do see best friends, a high level of respect, unflinching trust, and a few common interests they can be fired up about together. Individiually, Dad LOVES organ music and mom is into the latest gadget. For any of their flaws, they've survived infertility (my brother and I are adopted), caring for an aging parent (from 1985 until she passed away in 2002), bankrupcy, etc. That's all pretty big stuff and any ONE would have caused divorce. Did I mention my dad traveled for business A LOT ?! And my mom managed to get her MASTERS degree WHILE WORKING FULL TIME AND caring for 2 teenagers and her elderly parent?

My parents have taught me that, with love, work, and a "Quitting is not an option" attitude, "forever" isn't impossible. ;)

- J. Darling


Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebrations Press, Proud to be a not-so-starving artist.
Lastest Project: Rasputin The Musical, A Very Very Dark Comedy by Marc Wasserman and Lucas Coleman @ the Lyceum Theater, San Diego
(wrapped on 5/2/10 - soundtrack available on Itunes)

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 8:34pm

Thanks for sharing :)

I totally admire people who have a failure isn't an option attitude like your parents do - of course it's rare these days. Most people now are entirely too selfish to endure years with another person through the ups & downs. When I got married, I had that type of attitude however my other half didn't - we had the passion part of things, but not as much the compatible part or the shared values. But b/c we had children & we were married, I would've never divorced unless there was abuse. However, he filed & now that I'm single again & know I won't have anymore children - I know that I will not settle again for one or the other - I do want the passion & compatibility. If I don't find it, I'll definitely never marry again. If I do remarry - it will have to be to someone who also shares the same value of failing not being an option tho - otherwise why marry? Not everyone is meant to marry or to be together "forever". Thought my X was "the one", but unfortunately time can often tell another story.

As you were saying about the compatible part - I tend to believe more in the passion part of things than compatibility if I did have to choose. I believe that more relationships can survive if they have a passion for something or each other in life - then if they are compatible. To be compatible w/out any real passion, I believe is possibly failure in itself. You have friends and others who you can be compatible with & share common goals or interests - you don't have to do everything w/your partner or spouse. But when it comes to compatibility, the more you lack - the more passion in another area you must have in order to overcome it - and the more "failure isn't an option" attitude. You do still have to be realistic as well though & if you don't share anything in common, what are you going to together to bond or talk about when you get old - lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 8:41am

I guess it depends on what type a person you might be.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 1:03pm
Great point!

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 3:39pm

I had many relationships in the 5 years that I was divorced. I had hot sex with men who swore they loved me - and then ran off with someone else or disappeared, or refused to commit, etc.

When I met the man I finally married, it wasn't about trumpets and earth shattering physical stuff. I found him attractive but what REALLY impressed me is that he was a giver. Even before he touched me (and we didn't kiss until we got engaged!) I saw a man who was eager to please, who was serious about loving one woman forever and who was willing to leap tall buildings to get the woman he wanted. I was so thrilled that that woman was ME!

So are we passionate? Absolutely - when we are together we have the capacity to be passionate and we create passion on a regular basis. But we also have the capacity to tone it down - to enjoy the little things about each other - intelligent conversation, nature, relaxation, working side by side.

Passion is important - but I do think that if two people are truly compatible, passion will be an inevitable part of the mix, not a smokescreen that masks the things that are INCOMPATIBLE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 3:52pm

"My parents have taught me that, with love, work, and a "Quitting is not an option" attitude, "forever" isn't impossible. ;)"

I think it's wonderful what your parents have, however, I also see a lot of people with that mentality who live through abuse, not talking to one another, hating each other, etc. I rarely see, couples who are actually still in love with one another after 40+ years. I met one couple at my work picnic, ohmigod, I envy them. YOu can see they still have that spark, that they love and respect one another deeply. When you use that quote above, I wish it would apply to those types of couples. Unfortunately, for many, it applies to abuse or r'ships that are dead. :(

I have been thinking a lot about what the OP had stated. One of my x's thought if we didn't have everything in common, we'd fall apart. I honestly believe you don't have to have a darn thing in common to have a great r'ship, but what you do have to have is tolerance, the want to learn about the other persons stuff, independence (so when the other is off doing their thing, you're not at home crying), and curiosity. If two ppl have nothing in common, but one or both aren't willing to try anything, expect to be together 24/7, etc....it's not going to work.

I really truly believe in personality/values compatibility, versus likes/dislikes compatibility.

 





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