Please, I need some advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Please, I need some advice!
3
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 12:00pm
Although I am not married yet, I am having a problem that I think some of you here may have some experience with. All advice would be greatly appreciated. Here's the scoop...

I have been involved with my SO for almost one year and everything is going great except that his EX is an immature, manipulative lunatic. This normally wouldn't be a problem for me but they have a child together and she refuses to let him see their DD unless she needs a babysitter or she is present. She will not let SO take DD to dinner, to the park. to his home, etc. An example...the only way she would let SO see his DD for Easter with his family is that she went to their dinner too. As of yet there is no custody agreement but we are working on one. The EX says that even when an agreeement is arranged she will refuse to follow court orders and will never let SO see his DD!! I know that will never fly but it is stressful none-the-less. SO pays an ungodly amount of child support and is an excellent father-she has nothing to fear by letting him see DD-she's just NUTS! To top it all off, SO's own mother still invites the EX to family gatherings, even when I have been invited to go. Thank God I haven't been able to attend anything while the EX was there, imagine how uncomfortable that would be... I know my SO should be responsible for talking to his mother about the situation but we all KNOW that if the EX doesn't go, DD won't be able to go either so I'm hoping that his mom simply has her heart in the right place... We're between a rock and a hard place and I definitely don't want my SO to feel as though he has to choose between me and his DD but it does hurt.

I understand that I don't really have a say in their business yet but it does affect our relationship and will even more after we marry. How is one to handle a situation like this?? Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 7:18pm
I'm confused as to why visitations rights were not stated in the divorce. You said that he pays child support, but visitations were not ironed out? That confuses me.....but I am not fully aware of the laws and how all that works. I fear sometimes, until the law or court gets involved, people can do what they want to manipulate situations. And....if she continues to manipulate the situation after the court has become involved, your SO will probably need to continually document and retain his lawyers services (I would ask his lawyer how to document such denials of his visitations). I'm sorry for your SO and his daughter. And unfortunately, yes, I think some people feel justified to do whatever they want to whomever they want to get their way. My sincerest apologies. I know it is difficult. Will this stop? Who knows! I always take the position that people are who they are and act how they act. If I am unhappy with the situation, what can I do to make things better?

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 10:20pm
My SO and his ex were never married so that's why there was no custody agreement on paper. I have asked myself what I can do to make things better and I keep coming up short, especially since we aren't married yet. I don't want to cross any lines...His ex is just miserable and I think she wants him back so I don't know if she's trying to use the daughter to keep him or what. She was physically and verbally abusive in front of DD and that's why SO left in the first place. He wouldn't go back no matter what and I think he only caves b/c he HAS to if he wants to see his daughter. It just tears me up thinking that the ex is keeping the dad from the daughter as well as the daughter from the dad...some kind of parent, eh?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 12:42pm
I don't know if the laws are different where you live but in Fl he can still file for custody even though they were never married. As long as he is listed on the birth certificate as the girls father he should not have a problem. I would recommend he file for custody or at least visitation asap. Then the ex will have to let him see his daughter. Good luck.