Questions about marrying a second time

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2010
Questions about marrying a second time
18
Fri, 05-28-2010 - 6:53pm

Hello Everyone. I am new here, and have been lurking on the boards, getting some great information. There is a question I haven't seen addressed: The length of time to date before remarrying. I can't imagine it hasn't been discussed before, but I can't find it, so if there is a link to it, I will go check it out if you post it.

The question: How soon is too soon for a second marriage?

My story: I am 42, been divorced >10 years. 7 years ago I dealt with some unpleasant medical issues, which are now resolved. and I am now rebuilding my life. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your view, I have no children. My honey is 44, has a 12 year old son and has been divorced 3 years. He began dating 2 years after his divorce, has dated a few women but none seriously, and he and I have been dating 6 weeks.

In many ways we are both starting over again, and everything I have seen about him has been positive. We have the same values, spirituality and life goals. The conversations he has with his son are positive and supportive, he has a good job, is intelligent, thoughtful, considerate, giving, yadda yadda yadda. In short, he is a great guy.

His ex seems a little nutty, even according to his son, and their relationship of 15 years ended because of severe incompatibility issues and her refusal to deal with some mental health issues. She doesn't seem violent or off the charts crazy. He acknowledges his role in staying with her for too long, and what he contributed to the relationship (bad and good).

He wants to get engaged now and marry in 5 months, when his alimony ends. We've talked about money (which is tight for both of us), sex (haven't had it yet) boundaries with his ex, child-rearing, whether or not to try to have children (undecided, seems a little late), where to live, attitudes towards going out, vacation preferences and how to mingle the pets.

The only reason I can come up with not to proceed is that it's "too fast"; there is no specific concern I have which makes me doubt him as a well matched partner.

Am I overlooking something on which you can help shed some light?

Thank you all in advance.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Fri, 05-28-2010 - 8:55pm

WOW!


6 weeks seems awfully quick to be planning the rest of your life together...


....on the other hand, it sounds as though you are both fairly mature, and have been already talking over practical issues.


My thought would be this is "too fast", although on the other hand, ...esp if he /you have religious reasons to not want to have sex til married, I can see how you dont want to wait so long.


Would he be willing to go to premarital counseling with you? Then you could feel more confident re: having all of the issues addressed, and having a third party catch any "red flags" that you might be "blinded by love" and not notice right now ;-) !!


Glad to see you posting....keep us informed, and looking forward to hearing more from you !


(PS: this board is pretty quiet on weekends....and this is a long weekend...check in again early next week)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2010
Fri, 05-28-2010 - 9:53pm

Thanks! I actually would be confident marrying him sooner than 5 months, except for the "it's too fast" thing from friends. We are on the same page with all the issues we discussed, no big conflicts and are clear on who is better in the different areas and who should be 'in charge' of those areas. If there would be a concern would be with his son. Not having kids, there might be something I'm not anticipating. We agree that he needs his 'dad' time (he has him 50%), time with the three of us, time for just the two of us and time alone.

There are no religious reasons that would prohibit sex before marriage. We agreed to wait a bit because admittedly 6 weeks is fast, and we want to avoid the euphoria that goes with sex and help our thinking be clearer. Actually, I think that has helped us know we aren't on a sex high and just rationalizing things. I might feel differently if we were both fresh from divorce and/or just enjoying that lovey feeling of sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Sat, 05-29-2010 - 8:59am

Hi and welcome to the board.

First I would recommend you read the book The Truth About Love. It is very good at explaining what love is all about.

My first 'red flag' was the reference to the ex having untreated mental health issues. We hear on the board all the time that the 'ex is crazy'. My take on that is that we are mostly all exes here as well. As 'healthy' as I sound on this board, believe me I have my issues as well.

There also statistics that show men tend to remarry far faster than women. My DH wanted to as well. Instead we waited for six years in order to get over the high and work on our individual issues that were 50% responsible for the breakdown of our first marriages. This is much easier to do, before you get married, then to have them surface after you are married. In that time, he will work out issues with the ex, with being a part time dad, and with himself.

If you go to our front page, click the link to our website. There is a list of the top ten things to do before you remarry. Take a look and check those off, WITH him.

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sat, 05-29-2010 - 9:14am

Henrietta,


You know....it's funny,....but the only real "red flag" to me in your post is that he seems SOOOOOOOO practical/agreeable/mature/ etc--------??


Also , the fact that you are matter of factly "discussing" when to have sex first,....rather than it happening and matter of factly "discussing" the marriage/etc afterwards............it's just "different"......not bad, but "different"------> so that's just , well not a RED flag.....but, a FLAG OF *SOME* COLOR, just the same...., ya know?


QUESTION re:


Thanks! I actually would be confident marrying him sooner than 5 months, except for the "it's too fast" thing from friends.


Have these friends met BF?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Sat, 05-29-2010 - 9:22am

OHHH my goodness!!! Men move SO QUICKLY! All I can say is ... he sounds very DECISIVE - but perhaps not very cautious and maybe impetuous? Date at least a YEAR.

My boyfriend and I ... of almost a year ... just broke-up. SO much can HAPPEN in one years time. My boyfriend was somewhat of a fast mover, too. He definitely wanted to get married. But after one-year, when I was still kind of iffy - now he wants to move on. He's really BIG TIME on the marriage path.

What is the RUSH??? Honestly, I can see where my boyfriend wants more of a commitment after a year. That doesn't sound too unreasonable - and I can't give that to him - so ... I understand his decision. But SIX WEEKS - I say your reason of "TOO FAST" is a HUGE HUGE reason that you should LISTEN TO! That's a HUGE DEAL!

WAIT, my dear. What is the harm in dating 6 or 7 months before getting engaged? And what is the hard in waiting a YEAR before marriage? This is the REST OF YOUR LIFE! I cannot see jumping into a marriage so quickly! Divorce is painful and very expensive. Most of us ... stay too long in a bad, bad marriage.

Be cautious. Go slow and use your head, my dear girl!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Sat, 05-29-2010 - 9:35am

Hello Pam! I would like to read "the top ten things to do before you remarry" ... but I'm not sure which "front page" to go to! Is it is the "Making a Second Marriage Work" front page on iVillage?

You know ... I have to agree with you on the "my ex is crazy" thing. I can ONLY imagine what my ex hubby says about me! In fact ... I remember him telling me on the phone that my "voice changes when I'm mad" and that I need help for that. Like ... HELLO! Don't you think lowering my voice when I'm angry is the mature, responsible thing to do? He puts that in the "crazy" category. Gee ... maybe screaming and throwing things around would be the less-crazy thing to do when I'm mad??? Maybe I should just use the F word over and over like he does??? lol.

I'm just saying ... sometimes Men think women are "crazy" just because some men cannot handle ever having someone disagree with them!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 05-29-2010 - 11:29am
I read someone on another board (probably a dating board) say that in the 1st 6 mos. of dating, you don't meet the real person, you meet their "representative." I thought that was an interesting way to put it. Of course, people put their best food forward right at the beginning of a relationship. In 6 wks, you haven't probably seen each other get angry (at each other or someone else), be sick & see how the OP deals w/ that, you haven't seen much of his relationship w/ his son. Have you meet his son yet? I would even be wary about that because it seems the general consensus of single moms is not to have a guy meet their kids until they have been dating seriously for around 6 MONTHS. I just think that although right now he seems nice, you really can't know each other that well in a few weeks. I would also wonder what the rush is to get married. What will happen if you wait at least a year? I guess I am biased because I knew both of my DHs for over 2 yrs before we got married, but then again, I got div twice, so knowing someone a longer time is no guarantee either. Since you say both of you are tight on money, I also wonder if that is playing a part. I assume when his alimony ends, he'll be more financially secure. But I wouldn't want someone to want to rush into marrying me for the thought that we would save money combining 2 households.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2010
Sat, 05-29-2010 - 7:18pm

The friends who have met him think he's great. It's the friends who haven't met him that tell me it's too soon.

Yeah, I'm usually very cautious about the 'my ex is crazy' comment. More often than not he says his ex has borderline personality disorder because he read a book or article or something and decided she has it. She wasn't diagnosed by an independent psychiatrist - but he is SURE she has it. The claim that the ex is crazy is a red flag for me, but things like turning up the TV and whispering because you think the neighbors are spying on you is a little nutty, as is thinking local antennas are there to spy just on you.

Discussing when to have sex seems, to me, a mature approach to the matter. It may be different, but I think sex can happen too soon; it rarely happens too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 10:24pm

I often ask myself this same question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 2:29am
How one can consider marrying someone at the age of 42 without even having sex? To me looks strange that you feel like having a life together and yet in 6 weeks did not come to having sex together. One excludes the other.

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