re: living with wedding memories/thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
re: living with wedding memories/thanks!
4
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 7:05pm
Thanks for all who responded. It's good to know I'm not the only one suffering here. I have my ups and downs. I did see some pictures today of my DH when he and his ex were dating and the jealous feelings started all over again. She was very pretty and I can see why he was attracted to her and that kind of makes me jealous too. I feel like I want him to think of me as better in every aspect than her: looks, personality, character, etc. I think he does but I think about what he was thinking when he met her. He told me before "I like what I saw and so I just had to meet her." I think about that a lot. Why does it matter now? Why do I dwell on stupid stuff like that. AARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!

Thanks again everybody for sharing your stories. I loved reading them all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:22am
hey

i responded to the other post about not feeling bad about the wedding.

but as for looking at pictures from the past, his ex wasnt all that pretty, but just looking at the pictures kinda irks me. pictures of her with his son, since those are the only pictures he has of his son, we are not going to get rid of those pictures.

and also DH has to deal with pictures of me and my son's father being around, because i didnt want to destroy them, i wanted to keep them for my son to look at in the future.

i just cant stand to look at her, especially for the way she treated him. my skin tingles when i see pics of her. and ive never really met the woman. its just what ive heard about her personality, attitude, and everything. i look at those pictures, and in the back of my mind, im thinking "this is a woman that is keeping her son away from his father, what kind of witch is this?"

we keep all of those pictures out of sight out of mind, because i scanned them on the computer, cut her out of the picture and enlarged the part with his son, and i printed the new pictures of just his son and put them into a book for him, and put away the originals.

tracey

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:32am
Early on, as soon as my xh moved out, I started replacing pictures. I have "family" pictures going up my staircase, and I started replacing the group pictures with pictures of my boys. There is one of their father in the background, because I didn't want them to think I was rubbing him out of their lives. All the albums and stuff are packed away in plastic bins for the boys to have later.

Since my BF lives in the house he and his ex lived in, he too went through and removed everything. He saved the pictures in a box for his daughter. We spent this weekend cleaning out his attic and it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. He does have a Christmas Village they collected over the years, that he would like to keep and I said that was fine.

Maybe it's the time, or maybe it's the attention. But mostly that stuff doesn't bother me very much. Whatever beauty the woman may have had it deteriorated into pure ugliness of character over the years. The beauty of someone's soul far outshines what's skin deep. My BF thinks that for the most part I speak and act with generosity and compassion and that turns him on. LOL!

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 2:15pm
Having seen various issues that were being brought up in this board, I believe that there are many issues that are "common" to women in second marriages. What you're feeling is normal, I've gone through it and even though I'm still going through the ups and downs about my feelings with his pictures in the past, I have faith that those feelings will pass and the hurts will heal. My counsellor advised me to take care of my feelings as if you're soothing a hurt child... it sounds silly, he told me to talk loudly to myself to address those feelings... lol... I haven't tried it yet, but I think I will one day, just to see if it works.

I actually asked myself if it was jealousy that I felt when I saw his past pictures with his ex (thank God they didn't have children!). As I heard from my DF and friends who knew his ex that she never cared about him, I believe it wasn't jealousy but anger that she had treated the love of my life the way she did. I knew that if he had met me first, he'd picked me over her. Although, the irony is that maybe he wouldn't have appreciated me this much if he hadn't had the experience with his ex ... ha! I probably should be thankful that his ex had set the bar so LOW that I could practically do nothing wrong...LOL!! I know that this is true because even now, my DF still marvelled about me. Perhaps this thought would help you :-)

I also don't believe that physical beauty caused what you're feeling. I asked DF the second month we were together how his ex looked. He asked me if I wanted to see her pictures, and I said yes. He actually had to dig in boxes to find them, didn't even keep the pictures in albums. and you know what, even though she's not even remotely pretty, I still feel upset/annoyed. It's the thought that he had chosen to be with her at the time bothered me... but well, to be fair, I did the same thing with my ex, right?

Take care. I believe it helps me a lot to share my feelings with friends in this board, so hang in there, email me whenever you need support :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 2:41pm
I agree. I think we all have those feelings. I thought I was being jealous and selfish as well, until we talked about it. Then he said that he had those feelings about my ex as well. But then Bob is really good about being in touch with his feelings. So, we were on more equal ground. That's why we could go through and make our respective houses, "user friendly" for each other. LOL!

Pam

PAMELA