Is this really right for me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Is this really right for me?
53
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 9:39am

How do I know if I’m doing the right thing by marrying him?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2011
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 10:02am

You shouldn't take the next step until you are very sure what you want. Is there a reason you have to make a decision soon? Can you bide your time while you make your decision?

One of the things I did before I started dating was I created a list of 100 items that I wanted or didn't want in my next spouse. A great starting point was the list of Must Haves and Can't Stands that EHarmony has. The problem is that you have to create a profile and answer a million questions before those lists pop up. But that was my starting point and then I added things based upon what I saw in my friends' relationships that I wanted or didn't want, and what I had in my own past relationships that I wanted to repeat or never wanted to experience again. It took forever to compile the list because 100 is a very large number. But I made sure I include 100 things no matter how small.

Then when my current husband proposed I compared him to the list I had created years ago. He fit most of the items on the list. What he didn't fit I chalked up to no one being perfect. It helped me to decide to get married again. A list might help you to define what you want and help to assess your current relationship. Do not base the list items on your current BF, base it on
what you want or don't want in an imaginary person.

As for your issues of jealousy... or whatever... you bring those to every relationship you have. You need to make sure you are emotionally healthy and in a good place mentally if you want to find someone emotionally healthy too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 11:37am

"I have written here numerous times for different things…ie constant text messaging, problems with him with his kids, lack of affection…just to name a few things."

"The guy I’m with now has been married twice before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 12:07pm

I know you're both right.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 12:08pm
You listed several significant problems while noting there are more that you have not mentioned.

It sounds like you are trying to ignore them while focusing on his good qualities.

However your insecurities or the issues you have mentioned won't disappear and will just keep bothering you after marriage.

So I don't see a good case for marriage. Do you?

Mark
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 2:19pm

You're right.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 3:01pm

Without picking sides here, it does sound like he is OK with who he is, the good and bad, and just like you said, simply wants to be loved exactly the way he is today.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 3:17pm

Wow Serenity! I feel so selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 3:33pm

One of the OP also hit on something important when it was mentioned about the list of 100 things that are "musts" in a relationship...

I think you are very clearly stating that affection is a "must" in your relationship...How heavily do you place importance on that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 3:42pm

It really doesn't sound like this is an ideal situation to get married--unless you can accept that this is the way he is (as far as the affection goes) and he probably isn't going to change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 3:57pm

I believe you're right.

Pages