iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Sun, 06-01-2003 - 1:48pm
Hi everyone,

I wasn't sure which board to post to, so I figured this was the most relevant.

My question is about 'rebounding' and getting into a relationship too soon after divorce. I've been separated over a year and my divorce should be final within a month or two. I was devastated when my ex left me after 7 years, but I never felt I 'needed' anyone and have always felt comfortable on my own. I pictured myself concentrating on work, finishing my degree, and possibly, MAYBE remarrying years from now IF the right person came along. Basically, I'm saying I don't necessarily feel 'empty' w/o someone.

Well, about 6 months ago I got back in touch w/ an old flame...thinking we had both changed and grown and there wouldn't be a chance of anything happening. I was simply curious how he was doing. I didn't expect us to become very interested in each other and end up in a semi-relationship. I've really tried to find everyone reason things wouldn't work w/ us and have tried very hard to fight it, but I do like him a lot. He's 1/2 way across the country, so we talk a lot and visit about every other month. He knows I need a lot of freedom and space now, and he's great about that. He is graduating from law school next year, so the soonest we could live near each other is in about a year. I think that's a good thing, since I still want to have space for myself. This guy is wonderful and we have a lot in common, but I need to take care of myself before I can get too involved with someone.

Ok, so what's my question? I've read a lot about relationships after divorce and almost everyone says that the first relationship you have after divorce is doomed. Isn't that a little TOO pessimistic?? I mean, I understand that diving head first into a relationship immediately after separating isn't wise. But does anyone out there think that if you keep your head on straight and take things slow, that it's not such an unlikely concept? I guess I see this guy as a possible long-term thing...WHEN I'm ready. We haven't SAID we're not seeing other people, though I think it's understood...but I'm wondering if I should see other people before he moves here (IF he moves here)?

I just want to do things right...and if things don't work out w/ this guy, I want it to be b/c he's not right...not b/c I "rebounded." I don't feel like I'm rebounding, but I guess most people who do don't feel that way. I don't feel like I 'need' him, or that I'd be lost if I didn't have him...I just really like him and enjoy his company. What exactly is 'rebounding' and does anyone disagree w/ me and think that's what I'm doing? I don't necessarily want to see other people, but maybe it would help prove whether this guy is 'right.'

I guess I figured someone out there who doesn't know me at all could give me some objective advice.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: alicemk
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 12:05pm
Hi Alice - everyone has their own recovery time. Not everyone recovers from a divorce at the same time, just as not everyone grieves after a death for the same amount of time.

If you've moved past the emotional aspect of your divorce; in other words if you feel no remorse, anger, self-pity, etc., then you've recovered and you're ready to move on. It's always best to sort out your feelings from one relationship before going into another. If you've done this, then by all means explore new possibilities. Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: alicemk
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 6:56am
I was somewhat in the same situation, my XH left about 8 months

before OUR dissolution was final and to be honest over a year before

that we dealt with his XMA (and he left for awhile at that point also)

so during that whole process (2.5 years and some) I dealt with all those emotions

felt pretty lonely (even when we were trying to work it out) and I got

a hold of my HS Flame (just to say Hi after 15 years) deep down I think I

really wanted to see if he had married, kids, etc?

Anyways, we kinda really "fell" for one another but at the same time took

it very slow...we are now almost 1.5 years together and pretty strong in

our feelings. At some point I tried to make myself find every fault in

him to validate the reasons "why" we shouldnt last but in all honesty

we are pretty good together.

I must admit when we dated (2 years) in HS we had an awesome relationship

we never hardly fought and really loved one another (he left for the marines)

so that is one of the reasons whe parted. Through the years we always

heard bits and pieces of one anothers lives thru friends but never kept

in contact, he had kept all of my pictures of us together when we dated and

I did the same.

I think if you are level headed and truly take your time there is no harm,

I believe in being happy and life is way to short.

I hope things work out well for you and keep us posted.

Have a good day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alicemk
Sun, 06-01-2003 - 2:17pm
Alice, if you've had time to sort out your feelings from the separation and divorce, if you've had time to come to terms with yourself, then I wouldn't consider it a rebound relationship. You've had the time on your own to make the adjustments. And, you don't plan on really rushing in to anything heavy. It sounds quite like a normal relationship to me. But, continue to take your time. Renewed relationships can hold many unforeseen problems due to memories and past expectations.

A rebound relationship is when it's used to fill the void made by the missing partner. A friend of mine left his wife last summer. Within a week he was living with another woman. Now, that's a rebound relationship. He was afraid to live on his own, to be alone. He had this other gal move in just so there'd be someone there when he got home from work. (I told him it was pitiful!)

Go for it, girl!!