Remarried and Regretting it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2011
Remarried and Regretting it!
8
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 1:25pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 05-01-2011 - 12:35am
I am so sorry! We try to do things "better" the second time around and sometimes it doesn't always work out. I can see why you are starting to hate this man and your contempt for him is growing.

How did he treat your son prior to marriage? Was this long distance so no real interaction with all 3 of you?

Have you had any type of conversation - a civil one - about how he treats your son? Is your H aware of how his behavior towards your son is making you feel about him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 05-01-2011 - 11:01am

I hesitate to post my situation because I don't want it to influence you to break up w/ your DH if things can be saved.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 05-02-2011 - 1:23pm
So sorry your first post here is such a sad one.

It sounds like you mostly needed to vent, but I do hope that if you do leave that you are 100% sure it is what you want to do.

I also have to ask what kind of conversations you have had with your DH regarding your DS. I wonder if (assuming DH is not being abusive to DS) this is just your DH's way of staying out of any parenting or drama. I am thinking if his experience was bad with first SD, then maybe he assumes that not engaging is the best way to live.

I don't know, just guessing here.

Either way, it is still not fun, and very sad, if DH is not engaging AT ALL with your DS. My SO did that for about one day and I was crystal clear that if he could not handle simply being an adult in my DD life (not parenting, but yet not ignoring, either) then it was OK if needed live separately. I wasn't breaking up with him, I simply wasn't going to tollerate my young DD being ignored.

Have you two tried any kind of counseling?
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2011
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 4:38pm

Hello,

I can totally identify...I have 3 children and the husband has 2. Mine are 13, 11, and 8 his are 12, 6. It is very frustrating. I feel like he picks on my kids especially my boys constantly. He yells and says stupid things and blows his top all the time. When his kids are around they could proably tell him to F*** off and he would look the other way. When I bring it to his attention, he claims he "never" hears his kids and portrays them as complete angels"they do nothing wrong"..which could be farther from the truth. I have put up with ex-wife, ex girlfriend drama and step kid drama that a year ago it drove me to kick him out. After a month, I let him back in and tried to repair things and he promised to change. The more I think about it, the truth is...no one changes. It is a constant battle. A constant fight. His kids strive for attention and act out horribly. My kids hate him at times and they get so upset. I treat his children like gold, I pick them up whenever I am off of work and have them stay, I get them haircuts, manicures, buy them things, make homemade breakfast, lunch, dinners. I wash their clothes, tuck them in at night, play with them. I

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 9:14am
((((((((((((hugs))))))))) to you NewLife!

1.When reading your description of your husband (eg: There really is nothing he likes to do except complain and whine about the things we are doing. It seems sleeping might make him happiest. )----I'm seeing signs of depression---has he been seen/treated/evaluated for this?

Secondly, ....I'm not seeing that you two have that much in common re: interests/activities..............added with everything else (his complaining, etc) I'm wondering "whats in this" for you other than the better home/financial situation?

3.Which then brings me to "what's in this for HIM?"
(LOL---based on your post, I"d have to conclude, "it gives him fodder to gripe about, and griping is his favorite passtime"....? !!)

ANYHOW......

My thought in your situation, since you do see a plus re: the financial situation, and it sounds like you're experiencing his "complaints" as primarily annoying whining to put up with, (rather than emotionally scarring verbal abuse)------I'd think counseling would be your best option.

Since you work fulltime, I'm hoping you have some sort of health insurance, and it would most likely cover some sort of counseling expenses-----I think that would be money well spent to have an objective third party help you work through the issues going on, and can you two work together so you dont break up.

Which brings me back to point three---what IS he getting out of your marriage? meaning---is it enough that he's willing to go to counseling and looking at what he can do to make things better so you dont leave him? Because it seems to me you are recognizing the pros and cons here....and it wouldnt take a whole lot for the balance to shift just a bit more and you'd be gone (eg a large promotion at work, etc).......

One does have to feel sorry for his kids, based on what you've written, and you seem to understand that they are acting out because of all of the issues in their lives with (allegedly) no-account mom .........but just another "reason" for family counseling---to help HIS kids adjust---and, a by product is the counselor is looking at the WHOLE family situation, and how to make it easier for YOU to cope as well.....

((((((((((((more hugs)))))))))))
BEST WISHES< and
Keep us posted!

PS:
Sorry for the hijack from original post----

Almost 40--how are things going?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 10:59am
Is your DH actually doing or saying anything mean or wrong? All you really say is that your DH "seems disinterested" and he "seems" to dislike your son and that he "doesn't respond." Is it possible that you are asking your DH for more than he can give at this point?

I was about to start my own thread on the same type of a topic -- which is how do we as an SO or wife or husband handle step-children? I have two children of my own and I am living with a man who has two really great kids. He is a wonderful dad but I have found myself trending toward resenting his time with them sometimes and having to really correct myself. For example, he is going camping with his son this weekend and my initial reaction was "that sux" because I wanted to go out for a romantic date. I correct myself because I'm a parent, too, and I know that children have to be center stage sometimes. So I think "that sux" and then I feel bad for thinking that and I correct myself and ultimately I say to my BF "That sounds like fun." Now, in a few years, when his kids feel more like my kids, and we've bonded, I bet I won't hesitate with the "Great!" and the support.

I think it takes time, however wonderful the child, for an adult to bond with someone else's child and to give your SO space to spend quality time with that child. And also for you it is more difficult to accept his delayed bonding when you're in a foreign place having to make new friends and re-establish your business.

But I'm just wondering if you take a couple of steps back, what do you see? Can this marriage be saved if you are more patient or give him more space to adapt? Has he been mean to your son?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2011
Sun, 06-26-2011 - 12:34pm
I am sorry. It seems like there is no answer that you don't already know. If someone hated my daughter truly, I would leave with no questions asked. Children do deserved to be loved by everyone in their lives and so do you. I may have my "issues" but I love my boyfriend/maybe husband someday soon's kids and grandkids like they are mine. If that weren't the case, it can't work. I did the step kids anger thing before and it all never works in the end. I truly am sorry you guys have to go through this. I guess if you hesitate to leave, I would tell you husband you want to go to counseling or it's over. Good wished to you
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Sat, 07-02-2011 - 11:56am

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