resentment and/or frustration and or just pms

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
resentment and/or frustration and or just pms
19
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 12:46pm

I get moody during pms. I'm hoping this vent will help me sort

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 1:18pm

Pam used to tell me that her DH's therapist said, "by saying you'll try, is giving yourself and out". Meaning, your SO says he's "working on it" and truth or not, it sounds like he's not. It's his out. I love that quote from Yoda, "do or not do, there is no try".

So, with that, I will say this. Your SO's "trying" not to say those words, but in truth, that's his excuse. Because if he truly was, he'd do it. I have to watch my language around my nephews (who are young and in the repeat stage) and my nieces (who are religious, so I can't say, "oh my god" or "god dmnt". And I make sure I don't say things like that around them. Yes, I catch myself, but the point is....I catch myself. He needs to catch himself or you two need to agree that if you say something like, "words" he needs to then realize he's starting to cuss.

As for the ring....I'll be honest. I see both sides of it. I got the ring in my first marriage. I know many people who got a ring, a BIG ring, and I know how it can truly mean something. BUT on the other hand, a marriage is NOT a ring, it is NOT a wedding, it is NOT even the certificate/license. It's what you make of it. So, to a point, I believe you are over reacting to the ring bit. If you want to get married, and you are demanding a ring, then you need to realize that you may have to wait a LONG time for it. And you'll need to accept that. You can't have it both ways. So, take a deep breath about the ring. You need to decide what is more important. A material object or a piece of paper. Whichever you choose though, you have to accept. BTW, my ring I have now, I have a CZ in it because we couldn't afford the diamond. In all honesty I could careless. I wanted an awesome ring from the first guy. In the end, he was resentful about it. Do you really want your SO to be resentful about your ring?

Just remember, a ring and a wedding don't guarantee anything. My DH bought his XW a 2 carat VVS1, D colored diamond for probably about $50k. They had a HUGE wedding on her Dad's property (they're rich). They had been together for 8 years, dating through college. Separated within 3 months, divorced within 9. Do you think either mattered? Nope. I know so many stories like this. A grip of money sunk into the ring and wedding and the couple get divorced within a year or so. I understand your need/want for a ring, since you never had it, but honestly, do you think it'll make your r'ship that much stronger or better?

Big hugs. I'm thinking you're probably experiencing a bit of pms and frustration. Let the ring bit go for now. If he's not a money guy, then there's no way in heck you should assume he'll 1. make a budget and 2. save properly for a ring (even if it should or is a priority). As for the swearing, he needs to really fix that. Not try to fix it, not working on it, he needs to DO it. Because no child deserves that kind of verbal abuse.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 8:05pm

Well, I have really bad PMS, too.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 11:30am

So the ring to you is something symbolic saying that your DF is able to save for something & provide for the family?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 11:57am

HI there! I agree with Serenity.. I'm going through a similar thing with my husband and my ring.. I have a placeholder ring and I got our wedding bands. My place holder ring is VERY nice.. it's the exact same ring I want exept the stone is CZ instead of the real deal.

My wedding band has 5 big REAL diamonds around it and next to the CZ you can't even tell that the solitaire is not a diamond- he got it at a jewler so the band is white gold and the prongs are made for a real diamond (when he finally can affort it). Even though it's nice, I still wonder when he'll ever get me the real thing..... so it only offers "easthetic" relief. I do feel like it will cause problems though if its' too much for your DF. He will resent you and get stubborn about it.. I know.. I'm dealing with it now...my DH feels like I set the bar too high and is resenting me for it and I'm resenting him for not even trying.....can you both compramise on something in between that would make you both happy and releive some of that unessesary stress? you can get really creative on the ring thing in a cheap way.

I understand your budget situation too but I feel like your DF is at least open to putting bills down on paper and tha'ts a good thing. You can work with that. good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 1:03pm
HI LB---

I can completely understand your being upset to see "the ring" no longer listed in "the budget"....

This part I"m not clear on---
He says his $$ went to child support, gas, groceries---

so, are you saying that he's over spending on those items (eg, he would have had a CHOICE to put some money aside for "the ring", and he CHOSE not to?)

(Yes....you'd think since you've been pretty forthcoming re: the importance of "the ring" to you, that he'd at least throw $10 into an envelope and call it 'the ring" fund.....the fact that he's not addressing an area that you've been clear is "important" to you is a concern............................on the other hand---who can understand some guys?----I had an (ex) H who NEVER bought me a birthday gift..........I let him know that felt hurtful to me...........yet he continued to not see a need to..............................hmmmm)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2009
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 6:21pm

"But i feel like i've had two failed marriages. The first time we got married without rings (we bought cheap ones within the first year tho). And the second time, I bought the rings myself (albeit cheap ones again). After my second failed married, i just had this feeling like "next time, i want the guy to propose with a ring cuz I am worth it! and i don't want to end up with another man who doesn't think i am worth it!!!" (sorry more venting but i needed to)."

Faith is not blind; it's visionary


Lee

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 6:33pm

Excellent point Lee. The ring represents a LOT of things to her. And if it's what she values, she should stick to them, no matter what anyone else says. It's a personal choice.

And LB, if he's not willing to do that for you, then you have to ask if he's really the man you want to be with. Because he's showing you that you're not worth it. I do hope, he just doesn't get what it truly means to you. Even if it is a "material" object, it means something very deeply to you, and that is what he shoudl care about.

Hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 10:40am

beingme, you nailed it!!! Glad to hear that at least someone understands how i feel. Thanks for writing it out. It really helps.

I feel lately that i'm having a harder time expressing to him how i feel. And i think that is from the building resentment. I feel like "why bother saying the same things over and over again when he just doesnt get it or doesn care". I'm not happy with myself for feeling this way and i'd like to get thru it and be able to express my feelings in a healthy way. the past couple days, i feel like i've just been "acting out" but not saying it

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 10:51am
--- cigarettes and alcohol. Those things are not much but it is still something (at my own guess, i'd say $70 a week). -----


Of course, to a non-smoker/minimalist drinker as myself....---that seems like alot-----

(52 weeks times $70 is well over $3500---)



Regardless...

Since marriage has apparently been openly discussed for a long time-----is there any "premarital" counseling going on? If so, that might be a good time to be able to discuss your feelings here, ...as I agree with you and others who point out it isnt the physical *ring* itself that's the issue---it's the underlying committment, etc that the ring represents to you---------and I"d think a premarital counseling session would be a VERY good place to be addressing these "committment' concerns........

? thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 6:23pm

it's like a state of limbo. without the ring i suppose we arent' really engaged, are we? i do want to go to premarital counseling and he knows this... he's not a fan of counseling but if i wanted to go, he'd go.

last month (last pms) i suggested we needed couples counseling. because of how blended our families are now, i can't just throw him out or walk away without trying to work things out. Perhaps things aren't to that point but my pms moods have been getting worse each month and i feel like i get into a deeper depression each month and that i haven't been springing out of it as easily.

i'll let you all know if the mood passes

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