The Roller Coaster Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
The Roller Coaster Relationship
4
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 9:14am

I am posting here even though there might be a more appropriate board elsewhere because I feel like I can get some good support from folks who might have been there done that.

One day we are planning a future together. The next he is not so sure. He says "I am the one" all the time. But then says he wants to take his time to make sure this time it will work out.

He says he doesnt care where he lives as long as he is with me. Then the next day he doesnt want to move or sell his house. He is all over the place with this. Its like he commits and then says no lets wait and see how things go.

I can see his point. He is unsure. Its tough the second time around when kids are involved. But he has me on this emotional roller coaster for months now. He doubts my level of commitment and joking (well half jokingly) says I am going to dump him.

It seems like he wants to make the commitment but doesnt. I hear "were going to be together for a long time" and "I want you for the rest of my life". But then I also hear "lets wait just to make sure". I never know where I stand.

I am at the point of deciding if I can take this up and down anymore. I am on meds now for depression and stress. I have never been on them before or never felt this way before. Some days I dont want to get out of bed. No energy to work out anymore. Its taking a toll on me. The rest of my life is going well. I have a good paying job and am healthy and my kids and I are doing well. I am happy in every other aspect of life. Just this emotional roller coaster is killing me.

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 12:31pm

Oh gawd, this so reminds me of my second marriage....before we got married. It was like that. Yes, no, yes, no. Maybe. I'm not sure. I'm scared. Blah blah blah. It was a LDR (long distance r'ship) and that was the issue. Seriously, this guy broke my heart twice in 2 years because he'd say how much he loved me and wanted me in this life, then would say, I cant' do this anymore, I need someone closer. The 2 years included the time "off".

This is what I finally did. I finally told him I needed to think about things. I took some time off from "us" and basically asked myself if I was willing to put up with his indecision. I knew what I wanted. I was willing to take it slow. But his back and forth was making me nutty and downright angry. Not a pretty site.

So, after his second time of ending "us", and after thinking it over if i still wanted him in my life, I told him no. I could no longer do this. And I needed to no longer speak to him. If he didn't want this, then we couldn't talk to each other ever again. I had to cut the ties.

Well, he calls me 8 months later. Tells me he still loves me and misses me and this time he is serious. That we'll start thinking about who'll move where, how to do things, etc. And I told him, "you'll forgive me if I don't believe you right?" And he said I have every right not to believe him but he hoped that I'd stick around for him to prove to me that he was serious. So.....I expected nothing and watched his actions. He made forward progress that I was willing to let the past go and move forward. I'm glad I did. We got divorced for other reasons. He was never wishy washy again until we started having some serious issues.

So....IMHO, I'd suggest you take some serious time to rethink the r'ship. Is this truly what you want? Can you live with the indecision? Are you willing to walk away and cut all ties? Could you take some time "away" to think alone? Things you need to answer for yourself. After what I went through, I tried to walk away from any man that didn't know what he wanted. I say tried, cuz I got sucked into that a bit with my current DH while we were dating. That's also when I said to myself, "what is wrong with me that I stay with men who are unsure"?

Hugs. I know it's not easy. So you need to ask yourself some heavy questions.

 





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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 12:52pm

I apoligize if you already posted this, but how long have each of you been D and how long have you been together?

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 1:14pm

Well I posted here because everyone is so supportive and because you are the ones making it work (hence the name Making Second Marriage Work). So advice from those who are doing it makes sense to me.

Thanks for your insight. No decisions dont have to be made today. I would be far better off with a 'I am not sure lets wait' then with 'yes youre the one', 'no I am not sure' back and forth up and down sort of life.

I like the insight you gave me and that was exactly what I was looking for....a view from a different angle.

Yep my life is good without him. It was very good before I met him. Its still good. Its just better with him....well when we are on the up phase. When its a roller coaster its a mess.

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 2:06pm

"ETA: Regardless of whether you agree, or disagree with Gene Simmons, at least he is being honest with how he feels and he makes no bones about how he feels about M. Shannon has accepted that."

I think that is what makes most non-marriages solid. When the person makes no bones about how s/he feels and he other party accepts it completely and doesn't still want/expect more.

Otherwise, you still have one person wanting more, waiting for more, and getting resentful they don't get more (that's what I'm worried about with tsunami's position, hence why I told her to really think about what she's willing to accept).

I know with DH, when we were dating, I didn't want anything seriuos so I never really cared how he treated me, how or if he even wanted anything more. When I was ready, it was then I wanted to find out what he wanted and when he treated me iffy (more like a friend than a gf), it's also a reason I was unsure about staying. Cuz we weren't on the same page anymore. Yes, I changed and yes, I was willing to walk away if he didn't want more. I guess what I'm saying is...I know for myself, I really need someone to be on the same page as me. Otherwise, my life is filled with too much turmoil.

 





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