is this rude...please be brutally honest

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2011
is this rude...please be brutally honest
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 11:57pm

I wrote this to my fiancee about his five year old daughter.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 8:57am

I tihnk your intentions are good,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 9:01am

Not being nosy, but I am curious as to what the other steps were?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 9:08am

? Brutally honest?

Assuming the 5 yo is the oldest child in family, 99.9% of parents wouldnt be able to project what they'll be doing in that regard that far into the future.

What I'm reading between the lines is I think you think the child is a spoiled brat, and dad needs to be getting a program together so she shapes up and becomes a decent human being for you to be spending your life with.

What his FAMILY is probably reading into it: This DF is a gold digger, and doesnt want DF spending one dime more on child than necessary----

ALSO, they would be thinking it's none of your business what he spends for allowances, since he's spending his income on his child (my guess is you're more concerned re: the spoiled brat factor, but I'm telling you what I think they'll see/say).

IMO---GENERALLY, parents dont take well to someone else telling them how to raise their children-----even when it's a spouse they are married to. SOOOOOOOO----if youre going to be marrying him, I think you'd do better to work on setting your boundaries, on what you'll accept and what you wont-----and realize that if you feel you need to dictate how he raises his child, it's probably NEVER going to go over well, and will be a sore spot in your life hence onwards------------------------

do you really want that?

MY GUESS---since child is only 5....he got divorced, and eventually got involved with you.....and you two are great together, but he hasnt figured out a way to integrate you and child into his life long as he has the GF on one hand, and the child on the is good. Some guys never get good at integrating them together, and are better off with just a GF to work into the empty spaces of their life (there was someone on here called "Tanga" who struggled with this while trying to be married, and eventually divorced, I believe). Anyhow, your DF might be one of these..............................time will tell.

BEST WISHES---and keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 9:19am

I agree with Laurena.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 2:03pm

I think your idea is a good one, but I think it's impossible to predict into the future so far ahead what a child's allowance will be & what kind of chores they will have many years from now.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Wed, 11-23-2011 - 5:58pm

Welcome to the board KC!

I think it is great that you want to address things before getting married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Thu, 11-24-2011 - 7:08am

I think you have good intentions...but they came across the wrong way. If I was the parent or other family member...I would not take this well at all. For one things mature at different times and there is NO way to predict what a child at each age is going to be able to handle. Also, how can you predict what the other parent is going to be able to give the child each income amounts do change over time ..for better or worse. I think if you are still set on something like would be ok to ask him to make chores and allowance...from right now till she turns 6..and then re-evaluate..and do this every year on her birthday.


Looking to work from home ? Ask me how :

Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
Fri, 11-25-2011 - 3:37pm

I am assuming you don't have kids?

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 12-06-2011 - 11:37am



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 12-06-2011 - 11:45am

Biology doesn't make you a parent; knowing what is best for a child does not Always come naturally, to those who have kids. I have children, and also have friends with no kids, who know all of the basics of raising a happy,healthy, respectful child. I think the poster is running into a Disney Dad who thinks his child doesn't need to do anything. Children can learn age appropriate "chores" at about 3 years old (like helping put toys in a basket), and then the things they do grow with age...helping your child learn these things that help them throughout their lives is what you do FOR your kids, not TO them.
I totally agree all kids are different, and so things are adjust per child, but starting early makes it easier, as they grow. I have two 20 something kids who are a perfect testament to that. They have actually called me to tell me "thank you for teaching us how to live..our friends lose apartments, jobs and cars, because they are'nt taking care of things". NO one wants that stress for their child!