Second spouse burial arrangements

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2014
Second spouse burial arrangements
6
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 10:42am

I am marrying a widow and she has burial arrangements to be with her first husband.  I am the perverbial odd man out and while we are not near death, I have been bothered by this for a while.  I am not sure what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 12:14pm

Frankly I have never understood people's concerns about burial.  For example I had one client (I am a lawyer) where the parents died and the kids were fighting about who was going to be buried closest to mom & dad, as if they could look over & talk to them!  So what would bother you, having to visit her gravesite and see her former DH's name?  People thinking that they were together still?  Do you feel that it would mean that her 1st DH was more important than you?  I think if you figure out what would bother you, then you & she can talk about it.  Since I assume it's already paid for, what would be done with that plot?  And do you have the extra money to spend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 6:41pm

Quick answer--is there space on the other side of her? Then, you could also be buried besides her. Hopefully, I have a long time left with my wife. However, if she dies before me while I'm at at age where I might remarry, then I'll reserve a space on the other side of me for a potential second wife. It would be my final ego trip to have two women proclaim I am the greatest love of their lives by being buried by my side!!

The upside being involved with a widow or widower means you re involved with someone who has a proven track record of success in relationships. However, whatever a person's past relationship history, there is a downside as well. The downside with  a widow is the first spouse can be a difficult act to follow. If I will be a widower myself, I think I'd rather be involved with a divorcee than a widow, since it will be easier to be the love of her life. To be with a widow, you just have to accept the downside of being with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 11:40am

In one way I think it's better if both people are widowed.  I remember going to my uncle's 80th BD party.  He & my aunt had been married more than 40 yrs, then after she died, he met another widow.  At the party, his kids made a picture display of his life so of course there were many pictures of my aunt there too.  His friend made a speech to toast him and I remember him saying something about "John and I were both lucky to have found someone else after our first wives died."  I think that when widowed people get married they can understand and not be jealous of the fact that the person was married before and know that no one is going to forget the good times with the first spouse, yet they are happy to find someone to love again.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 11:59am

Welcome to the board!  This is a great topic that I don't think has ever been discussed here.  

I don't think there is any right or wrong here, but it would bother me also.  With that said, I also don't think you two need to run out and buy two plots that are together, either.  

I don't know what the protocal is under these kind of circumstances, but I would be curious if there are children involved and if they are adults, what do they think?   Is there something to be said for the original commitment they made?  She is a widow, and not divorced, so there may be some religious belives involved.  

I don't have answer for you, but I do think you definately need to continue to talk about this and get perspectives.  

On on my 3rd marriage and as much as I know my DH loves me, I already know that if he is burried, he wants to be by his family of orgin.  His mom, grandma and brother.  

Just some food for thought.  Don't wait thinking you have years to make this decision.  

Serenity 

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2014
Tue, 01-14-2014 - 11:07pm
I didn't think about all that could go into this. My fiancé's deceased husband was cremated and she still has the ashes. I believe she is holding them and waiting until she dies and they will be enturned together. There are no burial plots. I know she is still in love with him and I am fine with that. I knew she still loved him when we started dating and I knew that would not change. I accept that she has a huge heart and there is more than enough room to love us both. Our kids are young, pre-teen. They are too young to think that far ahead. My kids don't think about it and her kids are tired of thinking about death. Neither of us is religious so that is not a consideration. I was never religious and the idea of a place where my fiancé would have to choose who she would spend eternity with seems less like a heaven and more like hell.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 1:24pm

Now that you have offered up more details, I am wondering if I understand you correctly that she already has arrangements made at a specifc location?  Or are you just going off of something she has told you verbally? (i.e. what were to happen if she were to pass today?  Is there already something in writing or is just a verbal understanding?)  

I ask, because I wonder if after some time goes by she might change her mind about where she wants to be laid to rest.  I am thinking that if you two live for many, many years together, she may eventually decide along the way to do something different.  

Part of me says "hey, God's in charge and let it be for now," and the other part of me says "hey, better talk about this before you get married."   

I think about my situation and really, I don't think anyone in my family expects to be able to visit the headstone of myself and DH together.  Nor do our kids expect to visit their parents at the same location, either.  

Enough babbling out of me.  Curious if anyone else chimes back in.

Serenity

Serenity