Separate Christmas Cards

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007
Separate Christmas Cards
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 1:36pm

Hubby and I have always done Christmas cards separate. He sends his cards to his family and close friends and I do the same to mine. I have always liked to do Christmas letters and photo cards. Hubby does not. In the past I have tried to get him to do both and he usually prefers to just keep it simple. I get mine done early while he waits and it's more of a chore for him. One year, per my suggestion, we decided to finally do a family Christmas card with he and I and all our kids. On Christmas we went over to his sister's house, she got out the photo card and her and my mother in law proceeded to make rude remarks about how aweful the picture was, how odd the kids looked, etc. I was very irritated. Hubby just sat there with his tail between his legs. I vowed to never, ever again send them any pictures of our family. I am so very tired of their overly critical nature and tired of my hubby excusing their behavior.

That said this year I have decided to write my own Christmas letter and add photos from the year to send out to my list only and I don't want to tell hubby. I feel that since hubby wants to do his own thing that it should not be an issue. I am worried though that my family or one of our friends will comment on the letter and or photos and hubby will ask what letter and why didn't you tell me you were going to write a letter. I don't want to have to explain it, don't want him to get defensive. If I show him the letter and or pictures he will pick it apart and want to make changes, etc.  No, this is mine and I just want to send it out. I was going to relent this year and just have a picture taken of the kids all together by a tree and send it out but hubby rolled his eyes and didn't want to. Is it wrong of me to just want to do this on my own? Do I have to run everything by him? Recently we actually got into a disagreement re something and he said if we don't have 100% agreement on anything then it just won't get done. I disagree. I don't feel like I have to just do everything he wants to do. There have been so many times where he has wanted to do something and I wasn't in total agreement and he did it anyways but when the shoe is on the other foot we have to have 100% agreement. I don't like being told what I can and can't do. That is not marriage and it is controlling. This isn't the 1950's where women were seen and not heard. I very often feel like I lose myself if I just become a Stepford Wife. Not going to happen. Am I wrong to feel this way? I mean major financial decisons or major decisions that will affect the marriage by all means should be discussed but I'm not going to ask permission all the time to do things. I'm a grown adult for crying out loud.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 8:45pm


I wrote a reply to you this am...but I dont see it here?

Basically, I said something re: remembering your DH's family is the one criticizing your haircuts, etc....bleah.So, I can understand they'd probably be snarky re: the family xmas photo card also, and I dont blame you for not wanting to give more fodder for all of that.

Since you've hand written your own in the past, I think you just print the letter out as you want, and send it in lieu of the hand written ones.  If/when discussing with DH, just play it real non-important----it was too much work to write them all out separately, so you printed one for all.  Oh, yeah, you included some photos.  (BFD).

He's free to do his own photo sending to his friends/family also.  Since he never sat looking over your shoulder as you hand wrote out cards, this is no big deal.

If your relatives say something to his relatives, you say to him (or them), "oh, DH, you should send them that photo as well"............then completely forget about it.

He's the one who was remiss in not sending any photos-----absolutely nothing for you to feel defensive about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 9:20pm

I think that you should mention to him that you are going to send out your own cards so he can do the same.  I wouldn't make a big deal about including photos or letter.  I think his family is so insensitive--how can they criticize people right to their faces?

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 2:35pm

If you two have always done separate Christmas cards, then I don't see why you would need to tell him that you are doing a letter and/or inserting a letter and/or including pictures. 

Since he does his own cards, do you care who he sends them to or what he sends to them?  I am guessing probably not. 

It would be different at my house, as I have not done cards in years.  So yea, SO would be suprised if we showed up at my mom's and there was a letter with pictures describing our last year.  But this is not case for the two of you, so I say do whatever you want.  And like what was already said, if he does question it just play it down as no big deal, because it isn't a big deal. 

You are married.  It is not like this is some guy you are dating, KWIM?  (do you remember the Friends episode where Ross' girlfriend Mona wanted to send out Christmas cards together with a picture of them?)  Yea, not your scenario.