Simple yet so complicated....Need your advice all

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2011
Simple yet so complicated....Need your advice all
23
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 3:32am

I am 36 and madly confused right now due to two major reasons: 1. I have 2 boys who I love the most and wants me to go back to my-ex 2. Met the love of my life but its complicated cause she has 2 kids and relying too much on me supporting them.

Ok so let me talk about my ex and our boys..We were in a relationship for 16 years (Married 10 years) and have 2 beautiful boys. I have always loved my wife but recent years It went downhill and realized that she was never an affectionate person and that she has a very poor communication. So when we fight, she gives me verbal abuse, throwing things and refuse to resolve the issue, packs her bags and leave for few days..and comes back pretending nothing ever happened. So after 2 years of this..I called it quits and now we've been separated for 11 months. Another month I can file for a divorce, but seeing the boys..it made me felt so guilty. She's not that bad overall, but I just dont think she will change.

On second note, I have RE-MET with a girl of my dream whom we've been friends back in 1997-1999. We knew we liked each other back then, but nothing ever eventuated because she went overseas and I didnt think there was hope. Not until 2000, when she came back and found out I was married so she went back to her place of origin and lived her life, married and had 2 kids. This may sound familiar, but in 2010 through Facebook and blackberry messenger (chat) we found each other again and realized we had an unfinished business. Funny thing is that the issue I went through during marriage and hers is exactly mirrored.So obviously we were there and supported each other.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

As far as the ex, I think it's normal for all kids to want their parents back together, but it does sound like you didn't have a very good marriage.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Welcome to the board, Orange!

I think one fact that needs to be addressed is that you are still M (married).

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007

my opinion is that it isn't a matter of whose insecurity it is - it IS a cultural difference and a BIG one at that - because money is a huge practicality in life and not just relationships. It is one of the top 3 reasons why relationships fail. Which is why it is SO SO important for both partners to have a similar belief system in money and the other biggies (child raising and sex just to begin with) for a relationship to succeed. It sounds like her belief system is not the same as yours (aka her culture believes the man will support her) combined with you cannot afford to support her and her kids which as you said is also not expected and the norm in our culture. No one here will say it absolutely cannot work, but IMO the chances are slim. Even if she does work is she going to be resentful because it is against her belief and upbringing??? etc etc. And just because she says she will be ok with working, doesnt mean thats what will transpire. I am sorry but I just see huge complications with this for you. I am a transplant from England to US and even after 23 yrs here I still see and deal with cultural differences - fortunately most are small and not biggies and the 2 cultures are similar on the issue you are dealing with. But

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Hi Orange--

WELCOME!

First of all---I'm a little confused re:
1. you are already giving her money, how is she coming up with the rest of her living expenses currently, and what in that would change if you were to marry? (my point being---it sounds like right now you're paying for both her and your STBx/kids---?)
2. She's still in another country, but you've been together 4 months?

ANYHOW---

First things first.

You're divorce. (or, your marriage).

Even if you do divorce, you owe it to your future wife NOT be be riddled with guilt re: leaving first wife------so, my suggestion.....

tell your wife you want to go to counseling to work on your marriage. If she wont go, ..........then go alone..............give it a few months, and see if you can gain some clarity dealing with a counselor. If nothing else, he/she can help you problem solve ways to transition with your kids and decrease your guilt feelings. THEN see divorce lawyer, and follow through.

Meanwhile.....if you really think GF would need to take job living with you....she has time now to get some job-----if you dont marry---what's her plan for income? I feel sorry for her if she believed she was divorcing her H IN ORDER to move right into marriage with you........but whether she believed that or not, the others are right, .......................this is a bad way to staart marriage.......

REGARDLESS of anything else...I think that believing a soul mate or something else *out there* is a reason to leave your marriage will most likely disappoint-------your marriage sounds bad---but clear that up before you worry about what's *next*--------from my experience, most people really need some time to just "be single" and process separation from former spouse, and working out all the "new" situations with coparenting as divorced parents, etc........before adding complications of new spouse/blended family............

(((((((hugs)))))))) and best wishes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2011

Hello all,

wow I am amazed that you all had taken the time to review, digested and responded to my story. Thank you all sincerely :)

FYI - I am from Sydney Australia and my gf (S) is living in Jakarta, Indonesia. The 4-5 months we've spent together is based on us paying each other's visits. I feel that the only way for us to build a strong relationship is to have closure with each other.

I agree with all your comments that I should take a step back and not rush things. Even for the last two weeks since we have not communicated, it gave me the opportunity to take weight off my shoulder and do some serious thinking. Since then I feel that my doubts are rising and have a sense of distrust whether S would actually commit to working.

The reason why I have said the above is due to S comment 2 weeks ago ie: "if you don't pay off your debts, you will kill me and my kids" and "You are dragging me into your problems". These comments really hurtful to hear and yet S is not showing any initiative to help out. It could be that S is saying these out of stress, but regardless I feel that S should raise such comments.

Love can make us do silly things whether its for good or bad, isnt it? I was so much in love and recently bought

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
re:
Yes I am supporting S already and infact from her last message she called me a calculative person. I was very angry for S making such comment .

LOL....they always say.....the things that generally ATTRACT you to someone.....will eventually FRUSTRATE you the most about that person! .....eg.....what I think she really LIKES about you (from reading your posts) is that you're willing to SUPPORT her/kids.....and, (duh), the reason you CAN do that is BECAUSE you are "calculative" re: figuring out how to do this....KWIM?

ANYHOW....

The plan is for her to move to Sydney for 3 months---------but now you're thinking of telling her not to see you when she does? (II'm not understanding that part)..............and---?? where is she going to live/who is paying these expenses for the three months ?-----

RE: her telling you you've got to get your debts paid off and dragging her kids into your problems--------perfect lead in for why you need to cool things with her UNTIL you have divorce worked through---------> you honestly have NO IDEA what your debts will actually be, nor what income you'll have left to support her/kids UNTIL that all happens......

Since you say you've tried to get your wife to counseling and she's always refused, .............then I'd suggest :

1. YOU sign up to see counselor now, ....to help you deal with guilt in working thorugh things, ...and

2. You file for divorce now. That MIGHT be the "wake up " call your wife needs, in order to then WANT to go to counseling with you. (eg she hasnt seen a *problem* in marriage----perhaps she *will* see a *problem* with divorce.....regardless---if it's going to happen, then might as well start moving on it......sigh)

I"m not trying to force you to stay with your wife,....but I REALLY think things with your wife need to clear up more before you can really go forward with anything with S(GF).......so, filing for divorce now will get the ball rolling------you dont have to actually go through with divorce if circumstances change somehow, but it will be a wake up call to your wife to pay attention, figure out what she wants to do, and start doing it. (Also--FWIW---if S is moving to another country for a man.....she really deserves this man to be *available* and not still married........so, this really needs to be happening, IMO, if she's going to uproot her kids to move, etc....., not?)

As for you paying S's legal fees for HER divorce.............??......................again, I feel sorry for her if she met you before filing for divorce, and she believed you and she were both going to divorce, and she would have you automatically taking over role of totally supporting her and her kids.........................................................but the reality is you do have responsibilty to your own kids, and need to work through that before you really know *what* of yourself/your time/your resources are even AVAILABLE to put elsewhere, KWIM?

I guess the bottom line is what you've already come to on your own------somehow, the cart got put ahead of the horse (eg, you paying all of S's expenses, etc, before even engaged/married/even met her kids!)........

BEST WISHES----Please keep in touch and keep us posted!!

PS:
Can you ask S to put your relationship "on hold" until xmas----so you've got the next few months to work through all of this divorce stuff------

You sound like a sweet heart with the ring, etc.....can you put that on hold until new years or valentines day? Get the divorce rolling.....ALSO, (spoken as one whos' "been there", PLUS read alot on this board!------working through divorce/coparenting with your STBxwife is going to be ALOT more difficult if she thinks you have a new GF "in the wings"-----get this stuff set with your kids BEFORE moving a new woman into situation-------------------------that's real practical advice that will serve you well, I think !)
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Hello again, Orange. Good to see you have replied.

I am unclear on the 3 month time frame for her "visit?"

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004

Hi OC,

Pepperjack7

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004

Hi OC,

Pepperjack7

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008

First, as to your wife, it sounds like a volatile relationship.

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