Snooping and mistrust

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Snooping and mistrust
14
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 6:32am

I know this board is for married folks , Im not married but have a relationship with a very special man. We have both been through things in our past marriage that has left us with baggage. We had something happen that made us both very sad. I have as facebook and because in his past his ex wife lied and cheated on him I gave him my password so he could to on any time he wanted. There is a man in my town who I have been friends with for may years, he knew my ex and I and had been a good friend to us so it seemed , I saw him we chatted and he ten said in a joking way something referring to friends with benifits. I said No way and he said Im only kidding. I brushed it off in my mind hoping he was joking because of the long history of friendship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 8:49am

First of all, welcome to the board.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 1:23pm

Welcome Liv!

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 1:37pm

I know that I am a trustworthy person, therefore, I would not give my FB or email passwords to any BF. I do feel that I have a right to privacy--I send personal emails to my GFs and I wouldn't want anyone else to read them--the person who is sending email to me wouldn't expect 3rd parties to read them either. W/ FB, I just don't post anything on there that it very personal or that I would be hesitant to have anyone see. If a guy wanted to look at my FB it would be pretty boring. I actually have a lot of guys on there who were high school friends (more so since I just went to a h.s. reunion) but I think most of them are married--we generally don't communicate personally, but maybe just post on a wall.

I disagree w/ Pam in one respect--I think there are limits that I would have where someone else has an issue because his ex cheated on him--I mean, if I wasn't the one who did something wrong, then it's really his issue & he should get some therapy to work on it and how to trust people again. If it was something like letting him know where I was & who I was with, then I'd do it, cause I would do that anyway. If it went to the extreme where he wanted to supervise everything I did (like reading private emails) then I just couldn't go along w/ that. However, if this guy does bother him being your friend and the friend isn't that important to your life, then I would think "unfriending" him wouldn't be that big a deal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 1:38pm

Hi and welcome to the board.

I agree and disagree with Pam's post. I agree that to a point, you should do what you can to help your SO feel safe and secure. However, since he was cheated on and is basically placing blame on you AND EXPECTING you to do the same, you've already lost the battle. IMHO, I have been with men like this. I HAVE been the person your SO is and I'm sorry to say, but you're in a lose-lose situation. Nothing you can do will make him feel secure. You can give him all your email passwords and full access to your entire life, but y'know what? Another email forgotten and he'll be saying you're cheating on him and lying.

I feel, because you haven't cheated on him and that's not a part of your history together (I'm assuming this), he needs to learn to trust. To be a bit more secure about YOUR r'ship. NOT the r'ship of xw. Basically, you're paying for all the things she's done and that's wrong. When a person demands you give them your passwords to prove something, he only wants them so he can find proof that you're lying or cheating so that in his mind, he's right, you're wrong. And it also proves to himself that all women are cheaters/liars. THAT is the problem right now. He's waiting for the other shoe to drop. He's waiting for you to screw up. So he can say, "see I told you so, you're a liar a cheater, whatevers".

And that, in a nutshell, is why this is a lose-lose situation. You'll never "regain" his trust, because he's never trusted you. He needs to look at himself now and ask himself why he's treating you like this when you've never done anything. I am betting and assuming he's been like this since day 1. Not trusting you. Assuming you're lying. Wondering when you're going to lie/cheat on him.

Sigh. There are a few ways to deal with this.

The healthiest way is for him to see that he's hurting you by making you pay for what his XW did to him. For him to learn to trust and to learn to be less insecure. Of course, you can work with him by allowing him access to everything but in that same sentence, he does need to learn how to trust.

The next healthiest way (IMHO) is moving on from him if he is unable and unwilling to do the what I just suggested in the previous paragraph.

Lastly, if you are unable to do as he wants without resentment of any kind, then I think just doing what he wants is a viable option. I personally wouldn't suggest this, mostly because I think he'll continue to look for lies, look for cheating, etc. And you'll have to live like that for the rest of your life. However, from your post, I don't think that's possible.

Hugs. I know it's not easy. Him being a great guy and this may be his only flaw, however, IMHO, it's a major flaw because it seems like he's not trying to trust you. A r'ship is a two-way street. He needs to GIVE (some trust) in order for you to GIVE your willingness to help him trust (aka allowing him passwords). I can honestly say, I bet he checks your FB account everyday throughout the day. Looking for something to read into. Looking for something to catch you on. And that, IMHO, is no way to live nor to have a r'ship.

I think with Pam, it works because they respect each others privacy. Your SO does not. He demands you have no privacy whatsoever.

 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 2:11pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 3:37pm

I think with Pam, it works because they respect each others privacy. Your SO does not. He demands you have no privacy whatsoever.


I think you are right Cheryl.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 9:04pm
This reminds me that my 2nd exH used to tell me about various women who would "come on" to him in the store he works in. For ex, he has some tattoos and some are visible on his forearams if he wears a short sleeved shirt. So he would tell me about women who would volunteer to show him their tattoos & they might be on their breast or something. It's a good think that I am not a jealous person--I really had no thought that he would ever cheat & certainly if he was doing it, he wouldn't be announcing about these women anyway, but as you said, why even tell me? Did he want me to think he was some stud that women were falling over (highly unlikely there)? But he was the kind of jealous one since his late Dw had apparently cheated, so he would often say things like "all the clients who come into your work will be turned on by such a good looking woman" or something like that. I didn't think it was even flattering because my clients are there to get legal advice--they never flirt and it's doubly unlikely because the majority of my clients are foreign born Asian people & I'm Caucasian. Not that Asian/white people don't ever fall in love but really what is the likelihood that a guy who needs an interpreter to even talk to me is going to be asking the interpreter to be giving me love messages? Ha, ha--could you see that scenario? To me, it didn't sound flattering, it sounded more like he was worried that I would find some other guy attractive. Frankly when people are out & about meeting all kinds of people of the opposite sex all day, you would make yourself crazy if you worried about all that--I think you can only have a successful relationship if you start out by trusting the other person, at least until they give you some actual reason not to trust, then you might be more watchful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 11:30am

"As for the OP's actual situation.....one thing, I know I wouldnt have shared with my BF the details of the guy mentioning the FWB aspect..."

In my experience, men who are the jealous type believe that if a man wants sex with his SO (that'd be you), that you want it too. I'm not sure why, but they do. BTDT. So no matter what you do, if another man finds you attractive, you've done something wrong. Sigh.

I know my view was a bit pessimistic, but I've been with men like the OP's SO. I've been that person. It will take a LOT to change his mind, change his ways. It's taken me probably 10 years of consciously working on it to not be like that. To realize that every man is not the man that hurt me, cheated on me, etc. This man's emotions are too raw. He can change, if he wants to. But it will take a long time. Hence, my kinda downer viewpoint.

I hope the OP's SO is willing to see what is going on. And make that effort to change it. But if he's not willing and can't see it, I honestly think he will push her away. And the cycle will continue and he'll blame her.

 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 8:27am

Hi-


The guy I am dating now treats me like I am doing what his ex did to him. This is the furthest thing from the truth.


I wish he would go into therapy for all of his issues w/ divorce, child not living w/both parents, anger, etc. I am not to blame. She is. He is. Not me.


Why do they do this?


Vanessa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 8:56am

Hi and welcome to the board.


Maybe I can ask you question, in response to your question "why do they do this?".

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


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