Is this something to deal with or something to forget about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2010
Is this something to deal with or something to forget about.
9
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 8:18pm

Myself and my DH have been married since March.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Here are my thoughts.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007

The issue as I see it is that you have two problems here.

Pamela


The choices we make in thought word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
(((((With maturity you realize that there is absolutely no right or wrong to those feelings, they just are, whether it is how he would feel or not, doesn't matter. )))))

Well put, Pam. I totally agree.

Me and SO have had conversations where we have had to learn how to acknowledge that "hey, I may not feel like you do," and don't pretend to even necessarily understand, but at least try to listen and see where the other person may be have a valid point, concern, fear, or what may have you.

You know, my parents are still alive and married. My SO's mom died when he was two and his BD disappeared never to be seen again. There is no way I will ever understand his feelings around that. Just like he does not know how it feels to have a spouse that is mentally and physically abusive.

Now, that may be an extreme example, but a good way to demonstrate how we can be sympathetic, even if we don't "get it."

Yea, it gets stickier when the past fears include the person you now have current fears with, but I think the same principal applies.

"Is there anything I can do to help you get through this or diminish your fear."
Serenity
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003

I see red flags for the relationship when each partner blames the other rather taking responsibility for their part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2010
Thanks for the response. I'm not in denial about the part I've played and have said it to him. He on the other hand, does not. I think That's what makes it unresolved for me. If he doesn't even think the things he did were a big deal, how secure could I feel that they could never happen again? Could going to T help him to see his part so that that fear could be put to rest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2010
Thanks for the response. I agree with you. He's not good at verbally showing support with things he doesn't agree with. He has to work on that. And the only time he gets this way is when we talk about that "bad time" in our relationship. He's an awesome husband most other times (he's a man nonetheless lol). But again, we're away from all of the things that were a source of problems before. So I guess him just understanding means a lot to me. I'm thinking if he understands it will make for a better transition And I'm thinking maybe a T could help him understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2010
Thanks for your response. I completely agree with this. And I do think that it mostly has to do with wanting to feel he acknowledges and understands my feelings. I doubt he'll behave the way he did before, but the small fear is in the back of my head and the fact that he says he just doesn't understand scares me. it just seems so blatant to me like how could he not understand? I think if he did understand it would diminish my fear although time may do the same thing. I guess for now I'll wait and see. And if we come up against a problem then we'll deal with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
"the small fear is in the back of my head and the fact that he says he just doesn't understand scares me. "

I understand. At least you can talk through this with a counselor.

I think the issue isnt so much him "not understanding"....but that he completely DOESNT CARE that he doesnt understand something that bothers you so much--> turns into a (basically) lack of respect issue---"your feelings arent important".

I was in a situation like that once. Now I'm not. It is SO NICE to have a sweetie who CARES how I feel.

(((hugs)))) and best wishes !

Keep us posted !!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007

I don't know which poster it was, but I agree that it is not a matter of him 'understanding' your feelings, it is a matter of acknowledging them.

Pamela


The choices we make in thought word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.