Speaking of the marriage and the rings

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Speaking of the marriage and the rings
2
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 5:57am
Hello, everybody!
Reading the Serenity's post about the wedding ring I wanted to ask you a question but did not want to off top her theme. My DSD was to be remarried last month. She was married for a year and a half to a guy with whom she had a 5 year relationship before. He left her with a 6 m old baby and the last month there was another wedding planned with another man. Now a year and a half passed after her divorce. This autumn there was a big engagement party with a very expensive ring (actually marriage ring). A month later they decided they wanted a baby and therefore the wedding was appointed shortly. It was planned to be a big wedding either, they rented a place, bought a dress and everything, invited guests from abroad including my DH family (he has it big). I mean this was for my DH and me to organize. It was not easy with such a short notice for people to book tickets, take days off, think who will accompany the elder people ect). She got pregnant as they started trying after the wedding was announced. The week before the event had to take place our DSD cancelled it. For the remote family she found the way to explain it, to us she said that she was not ready for it and have to think more. It seems that it was her idea as we had not actually seen her BF as he did not come to visit us since.
So I just cannot think of any good reason to explain it all. I understand that it was too soon after the divorce and everything but... She got herself pregnant already, they live together anyway and even bought the house together, now starting a new business, it looks like they love each other (looks like, as everybody puts different meaning in this notion and I do not know how it looks like when no one is around). So what would the actual marriage in the town hall could change in their situation. She depends on her BF financially and now with two small kids will be even more. She accepted the ring too. And if she says she loves him and happy with him why not to marry a man who will be a father of your child, it will not be all the same to a child afterwards anyway.
I would not care much if she were not a family, we do not interfere with more questions (though my DH was rather confused) and would like to believe they are truly happy (this what matters in the end) but somehow I can't? Or is it normal or let's say possible?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 11:11am

Somehow I don't know what enters into people's minds when they purposely plan to have a baby together but can't decide whether or not to get married--I mean the baby will tie them together forever anyway. It's diff. to me if it's an accidental pregnancy. My ex's DSD got pregnant and isn't married, but it wasn't terrible--she's in her 20's, working, still w/ the BF and she lives w/ my ex & her mother, so she has people helping her. So my DS, who's 14, now thinks that most people have babies before they get married! I said no, really the preferred way that I would like you to follow is 1) graduate from college, 2) get a job and your own place, 3) get married, 4) have a baby--like in the old days. Then the other day he was telling me that I was the oldest of all his friends' mothers--gee, thanks, son. I had him when I was 38. So I said to him that I didn't get married til I was 27 and again, his response was "well why didn't you have a baby before you get married?" Now I'm hoping he doesn't get a girl pregnant while he's in high school--guess I'll have to watch him carefully.

But back to you--I think if your friends and relatives ask you why your DSD isn't getting married now, you could either say that she didn't want to get married while she was pregnant, implying that maybe she's not feeling up to having the party, etc. or just say "I don't know," which is actually true.

Do you think that Europeans are less judgmental about people having babies & not being married than Americans?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 3:55pm

I do not know about the whole Europe, it seems to be more in practice in the north but even in Italy now it happens more and more because to get divorce here is so difficult but this is not the case for my DSD, she lives in another country, she got divorce quickly and very much in her favour. That is why i cannot help thinking why she cancelled the wedding.

Could I be right to say that she simply does not love him, I think this can be the only answer as my experience says that you cannot be unsure if you love or not because if you do you are always sure