struggling with second marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2013
struggling with second marriage
Wed, 09-18-2013 - 6:45pm

Hi. I am new to the site so here goes. I am in my second marriage. My first was almost 18 yrs long and I left because we had become roomates. Then I met (future) husband #2; left my 17 yr old recent highschool graduate (son)& moved a state away for my future 2nd hubby. I have NEVER quit loving my first and have guilt about the way that I left. In the mean time I have talked with my ex on several occasions and he wants me back. I now have a gorgeous 3 yr old with my 2nd and an 8 yr old stepson. I have TRIED to make this marriage work (& has he) but I feel COMPELLED to see if my feelings are true (I think they are) with my ex. My 2nd hubby also has LOTS of baggage which he is aware of and tries to deflect but they are still there. (my stepson has Asperger's & as such some behavioral issues. I miss my uncomplicated life from before. I have only told part of the story for room & time's sake but MOSTLY I am wondering how many of you still have love in your heart for your ex?(Ihave been divorced now 4.5yrs & married for almost as long)

PLease note that other than this (& prior to) I am basically boring and stable. I promise. Just want to know how common strong feelings of love and a desire to try again are for others in similiar situations.

Thanks everyone

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-18-2013 - 7:06pm

If you think you're going to get your uncomplicated former life back, it's never going to be that way.  First of all you have a little child to think of.  Your 2nd DH might not even let you move w/ the child to your former state.  What happens if you go back to your ex and find out that things revert back to the way they were before?  To answer your question, I got divorced after 13 yrs of marriage & 2 kids--although it was not my idea, I never wanted to go back to my ex.  By the time he moved out, I was just determined that was the way things were going to be and although I was pretty depressed about it for a year, I wasn't going to torture myself thinking that he might come back--and that was 17 yrs ago.  He remarried 11 yrs ago and I remarried and got divorced after 5 yrs--but I still wouldn't want my 1st exH back, although we are friendly now.  I really think the best thing to do would be to explore all these feelings in therapy before you do anything rash.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 09-18-2013 - 8:47pm

Agree with the previous poster that you should explore this in therapy before making any moves. What makes you think that if you got back with H#1 that you wouldn't become "roommates" again? Have each of resolved the issues that caused you to become like roommates back then? As you already know, loving somebody doesn't always mean that you can live together well as spouses. Plus you would have guilt about ending marriage #2 and the effect on the child from that union.

If you decide that you cannot work things out with H#2 then be on your own without any man for at least a year.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 09-19-2013 - 12:02pm
Welcome to the board! Yea sweetie, you really need to review your current marriage with the assumption you will not get back together with your xH. Leaving one person for another person rarely works. It can, but that is the exception. I am sure you don't want to repeat the experience of going right from your xH to your current H. You now have a DD from someone else, so obviously it would not be the same. If things don't work out with current DH, then so be it. But your DD needs her father. I am sure this is hard, so hopefully you can talk to a counselor about all of this. Good luck and let us know how things go. Hugs... Serenity CL making a second marriage work