Taking it back to the beginning

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Taking it back to the beginning
21
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 3:37pm

I have a question. I intend to go to a counselor and seek their advice on this but also need yours. My partner and I have been living together for 6 years. We bought a house 3 years ago. I have two teenage children, one preparing to leave school after final exams. I have been having difficulty with this relationship for years! I need to breath again, I really want to sell the house and we divide out what we put in financially (I have a Co-Habitation agreement in place for that for protection for both of us) and we live apart where I rent with my children and he rents something himself and we see each other a couple of times a week, like dating. I want this to happen and I want this to work. But I cannot live with him while I have my children. He never talks to them, never asks about their day, has said he never wants to sit at the same table as them ever for dinner, (because they talk more loudly than he likes. My two teenagers get on, so this happens, they talk!) lots of other stuff. They stay in their bedrooms when he is home and it's a small house and that's the only place they can be away from him.

I know I am biased but my children are nothing but polite to him. Have never raised their voice, never questioned him. An example, a couple of years ago my teenage son had 5 teeth removed under general in preparation for bracework. I brought him home with his head and mouth bandaged, poor baby and although my partner asked me how he was, the next day and after he never once asked my son directly "hey, how are you? You must be in pain" He says hello and goodnight to them. That's it. They never come out when he is home because he ignores them. If they do come out to see me for something, he turns the volume of the TV up. He never asks them about achievements and he knows from me what they do. I just don't tell him anything anymore. His biggest bugbear with them, and he sat me down and told me this was that my teenage daughter didn't like butter on her bread or wasn't really particular to vegetables. .....????? He said that would affect her social status once she started going to university. Sigh. He is that petty. Sorry this is long.

They are good students and I get on extremely well with them. They don't like him, they resent him making me unhappy but are still polite. Ok, while I am writing this I can see that I do need to move out. I don't want to totally break the relationship at this stage but I really want my children to be with me while they are still at home. I want some time with them by myself. I know some might be thinking do we gang up on him? No. He only sees his children once a week, they don't visit and I know that hurts him. But, to be a polite, social human being he could still even pretend to be interested. He told me once that he can't see the point in talking to them if he has nothing to say. He doesn't like chit chat.

I am getting more and more angry while I'm writing this. He doesn't see that he does anything wrong. He leads this bachelor life where he goes out twice a week with mates, he just bought himself a brand new $36,000 car and is going away on a sailing holiday for a week next month. I work two jobs and am studying part-time and do everything for him at home.

I see what I need to do but I just wanted to know if anyone out there has split and dated and started from scratch.

Thank you so much for any replies. This board is very helpful to a lot of people I can see that when I read the posts and have read them for quite some time. Thanks.

Jennifer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 6:42pm
Have you ever heard of the writer Robert Parker who wrote the Spencer for Hire books/TV series? Well the only reason I know this is because he livedin my area. He just died recently but he & his DW lived in the same house but did have 2 diff. apts. Maybe he needed his space/quiet to write and they liked their alone time but they didn't want to get divorced--it wasn't that they didn't love each other but they decided they didn't want to be together all the time. So it's unusual but it could be done as long as people had enough money for 2 places.

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