"taking the plunge" feeling

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
"taking the plunge" feeling
11
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 7:39pm

is this feeling normal? the best way to describe it is "taking a plunge".


I know just last week i was talking about eloping... but this weak i'm realizing that i still have so many fears about it.


One the one hand - don't get me wrong - i love him and i have a strong feeling that many good things will come of us making the union permanent.


but on the other... i'm just so afraid of losing my leverage. of the bait and switch. of the memories of my last marriage from hell.


are these feelings normal that take a normal amount of time to overcome?


does the feeling go away if you just take the plunge?


nothing is a guarantee so maybe i need to stop waiting for the fear to go away and just accept that it takes courage to get married and to trust someone with all my heart. the fear won't go away completely, so i need to walk by faith. and not by fear. thoughts?


BTW, we started on the book "The Hard Questions" ... we only just started so we are

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 9:25pm

I think that everyone getting married has some doubts at times. Also when it's not your first marriage, you are a little more anxious because you have been there in a bad situation and you don't want it to occur again.

I think you need to figure out whether the doubts & fears come from your situation in the past or what is particular to this guy. For ex, you had said that your ex was abusive--that could definitely cause someone to be afraid to commit again. But from what I've read, your BF doesn't seem to be anything close to abusive. So if your fears just stem from the past, maybe some counseling could help you deal w/ that aspect.

On the other hand, if you have a fear or doubt that's particular to your BF's situation, I think you should listen to that and not think that it will go away if you get married. When I was writing on this board about my problems w/ my 2nd DH, some people asked me if I didn't see red flags before I got married, or if he had just started acting like this (bad temper, emotionally abusive)after the marriage. Yes, he definitely showed his bad side before the marriage and I chose to ignore it and hope that it would get better. Only a few weeks before the wedding I was telling my matron of honor that I didn't think I could go through w/ it. So in that case, if I had really listened to my fears, I shouldn't have gotten married & I would have saved myself 5 yrs of a lot of grief.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 1:28pm

Music said...


I think you need to figure out whether the doubts & fears come from your situation in the past or what is particular to this guy.


I think this is wise advice.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 2:55pm

I liked to think of it as 'taking that leap of faith', not in the religious form, but in realizing that if the worst happened, I would be able to handle it.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 6:54pm

thanks for the great input all!


music, my fears come from all over the place. the biggest one right now is the "bait and switch". wondering how much will things change for the worse after marriage. like will he stop being as sweet. will he mismanage his money. will he start drinking a lot. will he start treating me like a slave. or put me in the "woman's" place. And all those things, "if" they were to happen sure one could see the signs in hindsight. And at the same time, if they never occur one could worry about the potential signs too. sigh.


However, my gut tells me that my fears are unwarranted and are based in the past. Based in an ungodly worry. My gut tells me that everything will be okay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 5:59pm

I have a story to relate. And it is exactly why I wish I could get a guarantee too. :)

My 1xh, well, when we were living together, he helped me with the laundry, he'd cook dinner, clean up with me, etc. We never had set chores, we just did them together at the end of the week. We'd kinda look around and say, "we have to do xyz, abc, etc. you do this, I'll do that". The only thing he chose to do was clean the bathroom, cuz I didn't do it right. And i was to wash the dishes, since he cooked. We worked as a couple and well, things were smooth.

Prior to marriage, we talked about how we wanted to live, what was expected, etc. I told him I would take care of dinner once a week, we compromised on the weekend, and he'd cook during the week. I hate cooking and I let him know that. We talked a lot.

After we got married, and I'm not sure how much of this is true, or if they were just words so I'd divorce him (so he could be with his mistress). He basically told me he THOUGHT I'd change my mind and WANT to cook, clean, etc. Basically, he told me he wanted a wife who would cook, clean the house, do the laundry, even take out the garbage, raise the kids, and bring home at least $60k. Wowsers! Okay then!

He heard nothing I said. Told me what I wanted to hear. Lied about his expectations, etc. Talk about bait and switch.

All in all nowdays, I see it's more about knowing the person, who they really are. Everyone changes over time, and that's okay. But going in, I asked myself, could I live with this person. If he changes, what am I willing to do? Can I leave? Would I leave? How much would I be willing to do?

So, there are no guarantee's. All you can do is ask yourself if you are sure about the man he has shown you, sure about his actions, his character, etc. If you're not, then I wouldn't get married. If you are, and you're sure about yourself and how strong you are (in case you did need to leave), then I'd go forth. With anyone who's been divorced, there may always be some sort of fear. Because I'm sure we all married the first time thinking and expecting it to last forever. And when it doesn't, we wonder how we could be so wrong. But truth is........how open were our eyes? how open were we?

So, for yourself. You have some good reasons to be unsure (right now). With time, I'm sure the tentativeness will go away. If not, then you really need to address if it's him, or you.

 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 4:16pm

I am curious on what is the "hurry" to marry?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 5:46pm

see how each person deals with stress and with each other


I agree this is very good to experience and see with each other. When EC and I did the treasure hunt game, I thought that was a good way for me to see how he reacts to stress and pressure. But there are many more ways. I like to experience the various seasons with a person (at least this time around i intend to before marrying). Because yes, everyone is pleasant during good times... but it is how we handle the bad times, the stressors that tell a true persons character. And tell how well a couple will work together.


In the treasure hunt experience I was encouraged to see that he kept his cool.


For me, I don't think rushing is

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 9:08am

He doesn't have any doubt. So for him, he says he's already ready for marriage. But for me, I have more things to work thru, work out, think about, and i want to get to know him better. etc


This is exactly why I didn't rush into marriage with DH.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 9:01am
Initially I had the same feelings, but we both decided that we each deserve the best from each other and will not punish each other for what we endured with our exes. He deserves to get the same trusting, loving spouse that my first husband got, and vice-versa.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 10:55am
I felt very content at being single. Very strong that i was capable of "making it" on my own ... as a single mother, as a single individual. I felt a joy that came from within for the first time in my life. Not dependent on another person. Not dependent on how someone else felt for me. I felt happier than i ever felt in my life. Not about being single but about finding inner peace and strength. And feeling like i just know everything will be ok.

I enjoyed this feeling for so long. Now that is shaken a bit at the thought of getting married. Will that inner joy and peace be shaken? Will i still feel like an individual or how will that feeling change?


I am coming in a little late on this comment above, but I feel that Loonybunny really hit the nail on the head for me.

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