Terrified of the end

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2010
Terrified of the end
13
Wed, 02-22-2012 - 10:06pm

This is my first marriage after my second engagement, and hubby's second marriage. We will be married 8 years in July and there are some signs that our relationship is in serious trouble. I recenty read that "true love" is feeling that feeling when you have a crush on someone for more than 4 months. I can honestly say that I felt it for about 6-7 years.

The problems started around the time that our third daughter was born and the intimacy went. In between our third and fourth children we were only intimate for a number of times that can be counted on one hand. Then with the birth of our fourth child, out went the romance. We used to work on our relationship with dates at LEAST once a month. That didn't necessarily have to lead to sex, but just being together, away from the kids was enough to keep us going.

When I brought these issues up with my husband he expressed regret, that he just can't handle life with 4 kids. Our youngest was a surprise, though we always talked about the possibility of having more children and weren't being that careful (even though there were few occasions in need of being careful). He says that he feels he doesn't have enough energy anymore and when I bug him after he comes home and I want to cuddle and watch TV, he just wants to sleep. In the weekends, he sleeps in and often skips church on Sundays to do so in a "quiet house."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 02-23-2012 - 8:40am

Have you looked into counseling? I think you are at a point where most couples either get through it, or they let it go. 4 young kids is a lot of pressure on anyone, and time management is key. There needs to be a lot of compromise so both feel like they are getting alone time and couple time, as well as family time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 02-23-2012 - 10:26am
Hi AM,

That's a lot to handle, and then to have this emotional stress on top of that..Lots of hugs to you!

Don't fear the future...Direct it ! Go to your pastor and ask for some counseling for the two of you. If you insurance has an eap (most do), you can call and get a case number, they will
help you find a doctor in network, and you get 3 free sessions. It's time to voice your fears to him, and explain how you feel,
I think he is just overwhelmed, and maybe this isn't what he "envisioned" with his life..but that doesn't Change that you have 4 beautiful, God given gifts, called children, and it takes some planning, but you Can still be a married couple, too.
Often, men see their wives as "Mommy" after the kids come; instead of the "girlfriend" he viewd you as, before. This changes how they feel about you, se*ually. Well, we Have to get into Mommy Mode to tcb with our kids...how about They get into Daddy Mode? These are things you can discuss with him in front of a counselor.
I would think he would be So glad that his beautiful wife Wants to feel "crushy" about him! :)
Keep us posted!
Sincerely,
Pepper

Pepperjack7

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 02-23-2012 - 10:35am

well said pepper, I always enjoy your comments

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 02-23-2012 - 5:17pm

One quick question.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Thu, 02-23-2012 - 9:49pm
Yes, it sounds like a low level depression to me also...........which is depressing to live with, also.

Look at the symptoms of low testosterone, also (it's more than just ED):

http://isitlowt.com/

He's said he doesnt want to leave you---so, that's good----next step is working to improve things.

A good counselor would be key-------evaluate his depressive attitude, and look for ways both of you can get a little sanity----

(((hugs))))))

BEST WISHES---keep us posted!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2010
Thu, 02-23-2012 - 11:10pm

Wow, thank you all so much for all of your replies!

@pepperjack7

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 7:24am
quote:
Then with the birth of our fourth child, out went the romance. We used to work on our relationship with dates at LEAST once a month. That didn't necessarily have to lead to sex, but just being together, away from the kids was enough to keep us going.

When I brought these issues up with my husband he expressed regret, that he just can't handle life with 4 kids.


How about finding someone to watch the kids, and just start planning some time away from kids for both of you----no expectations of anything----just a break to get out together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 10:19am
Laurena,.

Where's the *Like* button?..this is such great advice! :)

Pepperjack7

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 11:44am

Maybe if he's not thrilled about going to counseling, then could you get him to go to his dr. for a physical?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Sat, 02-25-2012 - 10:33pm

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