Texting but not talking

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2010
Texting but not talking
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 1:21pm

I can always tell when my SO has had a bad day.

I can tell because when this happens, I don't exist.

I'll call and get voicemail. So I wait and call back later. Voicemail again.

Then I text to see if he's okay. And I get a text back that said he had a bad day at work and he's "Not very talkative." However, he'll text me. Just won't "talk" to me.

I feel like this is alienation of emotion.

We all get stressed out and have crumby days. Isn't the point of being in a relationship being able to share those things w/ one another?

When we first started dating, I was his go-to-gal w/ venting. I liked it. I felt I could help. Now, he just clams up, doesn't talk to anyone, etc.

- TronGal
 (Singer/songwriter/contributing author for

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 2:56pm

Not sure there is much you could do differently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 9:35am

Hi and welcome to the board.


The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 11:58am

Ahhh, the moody, broody kind of guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 4:02pm

IMHO, I would talk to him when he's NOT in a bad mood and ask him how he feels things have changed, that he can no longer vent to you. I know with a past r'ship, we finally had to learn and agree on things to say, so the other person would understand.

i.e. maybe he wants to vent, but all you're trying to do is fix things when in fact, he wants to vent/talk. And gets frustrated when you sit there and tell him how to fix things (this is one issue we had). So when my X would say, "I need to vent" I would just listen, be supportive, but never offer any advice. I'd only offer advice or help if he said, "what do you think" or "can you help me figure this one out".

I'm just wondering what has changed that he can no longer go to you. Not saying its your fault, but something has changed and your best time to figure that out, is when he's not moody, angry, etc.

Also, maybe it's because of who I am, but if someone said to me, "not talkative" it'd mean he doesn't want to talk about anything. no questions, no answers, just leave him alone. one thing you could ask is, "are you okay with me making other plans". And see how that goes.

Obviously, he needs to own up to his side of the equation, but this is assuming he won't or can't. It's your choice if you want to be with a man like that or not. If he's willing to discuss it when he's not moody, great! I will say this though, using "I" statements is great, but it also makes it seem like the conversation is all about you, especially if you use, "I feel" a lot. Think about it.

Try to jump start a conversation with, "I'd like to discuss your non-talkative times and how we can make it go smoother, at this time, I feel I'm not winning if I don't talk to your or do my own thing" and see what he says. It's non-threatening, it does place it on you, but w/o it being all about you. If you started to say something like, "I don't undersatnd what not talkative means and I feel like I'm doing everything wrong when i make other plans" it sounds more like you care about yourself, not him and what he's going through.

sigh. such a fine line, isn't it? bring it up, when he's not moody, cuz hoenstly, if i wasn't in a talking mood and someone kept asking me questions, it'd just piss me off more and make me run away more from them too. tell him you want to work out what "not talkative" means to him. no questions, leave him alone, but maybe wait for him later (meaning at times, don't go out or make other plans), etc. learn to use certain phrases so you both undersatnd what it means.

good luck. i think this is all just miscommunication and you're trying to "figure it out" at the wrong time (when he's already retreated). granted, if you have tried when he's in a good mood and it is bad, then he could be pulling away and you may never figure it out.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 9:11pm
Thanks gals!

We haven't really had a chance to talk since this happened (not in any really meaningful way way - we had lunch together on his lunch break last Thursday, but we've both had very busy weekends seperately). So I haven't been able to bring it up.

I find a lot of truth in statements that said often our relatioship tends to revolve around him and his moods. He's the more outwardly knee-jerk emotionally expressive one out of the two of us.

- TronGal
 (Singer/songwriter/contributing author for