touble communicating about his ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2009
touble communicating about his ex
8
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 1:20pm

We've been married 6 months and it is a second marriage for us both.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 3:40pm

I'm having trouble making him understand that it is not about me thinking he is lying to me or intentionally withholding information but that I need to feel included and to understand.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 4:08pm

I am wondering, if the roles were reversed, if it was the OP and her ex, only communicating, would her DH even care to know what it was about?

Pamela


The choices we make in thought word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 10:27pm

Do they have a schedule of visiting the same days every week or does it change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 8:39am
---Any suggestions?----

NOt sure that I'd have any good ones....as my SO had "boundary issues" with exW as well for a LOOOONNNNGGGG time. (in his case, she was using the kids as pawn to get her way-----typically, she wanted extra $$, or a favor, and if SO actually said "no"---then, --poof-- plans had changed, kids WERENT able to come visit this weekend...........................and, since his court order only specified "reasonable visitation"......he had no legal recourse. He DID eventually go back to court to get dates/times of visitation set up under court order,---he drug his feet on that for a long time, as he felt it would hamper "flexibility"---but, --hah!---once he (finally) saw that the "flexiblity" was basically exW shifting things around to use time available to see kids as blackmail tool of her own---he did file for that and get it easily) So.....if that's the scenario, court ordered specific times for visitation would be my long term suggestion--however, HE has to see the need for this in order to do this---here, it took close to 3 years for that to happen.......but, that was 3 -4 years ago, and things have been MUCH better since.....for many reasons.

ANYHOW, the way things are now, I guess the best you can do is try to just "pick your battles" re: *commentary* ?

I understand your feelings re:

I simply want to know (probably since there were soooo many boundry issues in the beginning) what is happening. I'm having trouble making him understand that it is not about me thinking he is lying to me or intentionally withholding information but that I need to feel included and to understand.

In my case, I really DID feel as though he was intentionally withholding information at times, as he had a history of (IMO, LOL),..being a doormat to this woman who would RAGE at him (in front of the kids , yet) re: what a &^%$*(#$% he was----then, end the rage with a request for him to do her a FAVOR----------and (gag me here).......he would.

I mean---call him up, rage at him what an awful father he is---then end the call by saying you need some extra $$$ to take your pets to the groomers----and he gives it to her. Or, his big "boundary" setting: he'd tell her he "didnt have any extra money"---well, IMO, it was inappropriate of her to even ASK this, after her tirade, ---therefor, he should tell her it's not his reponsibilty to pay for her pet's care. ---to say "I dont have any extra money" implies (IMO) that it is fine to ask, and if he DID have extra $$, he WOULD be giving it to her for this, so, by all means, feel free to ask me again next week. geesh.

He was basically afraid she'd alienate the kids even MORE if he DIDNT comply with her requests, ......and, from what he and others told me, she was even MORE abusive during the marriage, so, I guess, on some level, he just didnt think too much of this behavior as being inappropriate.

It's one thing to be cooperative with ex spouse, and do favors for each other---it's another to be totally berated (in front of your own kids---for no good reason---ah, I could go on and on), and not set boundaries RE: I'm not hanging around to be berated.

whatever.

I hope you are keeping your $$ accounts separate to the degree that if he *agrees* to give her extra $$ "for the kids", it comes out of HIS discretionary $$, not joint household funds----------the other suggestion I'd have for you------------make YOUR plans with him specific---eg, ask him re: when/who supper, and dont feel obligated to alter them if exW is then wanting him to change plans---eg, supper is 6 pm, now exW wants kids to be done with supper to be at her house at 6 pm, "oh, sorry, hon, you told me 6 pm, so the roast isnt going to be done til then. "-------dont be jumping through hoops offering to cook something else instead. Or, if his kids show up "extra" at last minute, gee, he'll have to make something extra to feed them---he told you 4 for dinner, and that's all there is.

So--maybe an alternative to asking him every day re: supper, etc---is to NOT ask him every day---and allow it to be UN comfortable for him if he HASNT given you good enough fair warning, KWIM?

Another thought along those lines---a calendar tacked onto refrigerator door----he's to write his kids days/times at your place on there. IF it's not written on there, it's fair game for you to make plans for (anything) assuming they are NOT going to be there?

BEST WISHES--Keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2008
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 10:26am

Hi,

I happen to be the other poster (OP) and contrary to a comment made, I DO TRUST MY DH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2009
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 3:23pm

Thanks all for the input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2011
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 8:06am
I often feel my husband's ex wife is a third party to our marriage. She calls and texts almost every five minutes with a petty problem or ways to demand more money or so she can ditch the children on us to have more time with the children. It gets my goat so I have sympathy but I leave them to it as I dont feel its my business. My ex husband and I are best of friends which I think is good progress to raise children. Its not always so . Good luck
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 12:13pm

For example, the morning of one of the kids' birthday, he tells the child to get up earlier and hurry to shower because they have to go to Mom's house before school.

Serenity