Unblended Families and Holidays
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|Wed, 12-19-2012 - 3:43am|
This is the third Christmas since my SO and I got serious, and it's always a hassle because of his (grown) kids. My daughter (27) accepts his presence in my life and understands that I want him around for holidays. She is not too crazy about his daughters (ages 27 and 23) but she has never tried to get me to have a celebration that excludes him and them. His daughters, however, who seem to pay very little attention to him most of the year, get absolutely possessive during the holidays.
The reason I am annoyed right now is that the youngest daughter suggested to her father that they should have a "small" Christmas Day meal at her house. Since the house is very tiny, it wouldn't work out for "a lot of people" so I am not invited. It will be just her, her sister and her dad.
While I can understand that they would like to have their father to themselves, I think it is rude to make a plan that excludes me on Christmas Day.
Initially they had tried to get their father to go with them to visit their married sister for Christmas but he had to change his plans because of work. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to see him at all at Christmas.
My SO's solution to the invitation that excludes me is to spend Christmas Day (the 25th) with them, but to find time in the evening for us to be together. I am kind of thinking I don't want to. I feel he should have told his daughter that while they could exclude my kids, they had to invite me. He and I are not married, but we spend most of our time together. I feel that he is acting like he wants to be with me when they don't want him, but that when they have time for him, they get priority.
I don't do that to him. I've tried to include him in all my family plans, even though my kids are not any crazier about him than his daughters are about me.
I already gave up on Thanksgiving, which he goes off to spend with his daughters and his late wife's family. And I certainly don't expect his daughters to want to spend all of Christmas with my family. I understand that they want to have their own celebration. But I think they should have invited me, and I think he should have told them so.
I don't particularly want his daughters at my Christmas Eve celebration. Last year they were not exactly gracious guests. (They were not rude, but they didn't blend with the other guests even though one of my guests is a woman who has a positive gift for getting people to talk. They froze my daughter out of any attempts at conversation and did not offer to help with the cleaning up, setting the table, etc.) But they have been invited. It would have been wrong not to when I was inviting their father. I wish they would refuse the invitation, but it looks as if they are coming. And, of course, my SO is going to drive them to and from my house and then go to midnight mass with them instead of all of us going to midnight mass together. He will not spend the night with me that night.
Maybe I am being unreasonable and selfish, but I feel that if we have a serious relationship, we ought to put each other first for this sort of thing.
At times like this, I think that marriage (which we talk about periodically) is not a good idea. And as for Christmas Day, I don't need him to come over at all. I want to tell him that he can spend the whole day with his girls and I'll spend my day with my kids. (We have Xmas Day family traditions that I was willing to sacrifice/modify to be with him.)
Am I just being unreasonable?