Unkind comments about other women ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Unkind comments about other women ...
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 11:25pm

Alrighty - so here's the stuff: :-) I am divorced and dating a very nice man - good father, nice man. I'd say we're fairly serious. We are dating exclusively and have been for about 9 months or so. He has 3 kids. The kids are great. So far so good - there is just ONE THING that sort of bothers me about him ...

He's VERY sweet - but he seems to make (what I consider to be) rude comments about people who are OVERWEIGHT. And he also makes (what I consider to be) racial comments about ... well, I won't say which racial groups - but ... they are stereotypical - and I feel they are very unenlightened!

My ex-husband was a terrible drunk - but he NEVER commented on race or weight! I could have weighed 300 pounds, and he would not have cared. In fact, he would have LIKED it if I ate more! In fact, his new squeeze is significantly larger than I. He truly did not care about weight. So ... this is new for me. I am not overweight, but ... I'm not super-willowy either. I'm sort of just average to thin. But sometimes I gain a few, you know?

This just worries me. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I put on 5 to 8 pounds. And then usually I just start running or watching it - and I can take it off, but it scares me to hear him comment about other women and their "rolls." Who CARES about a few extra pounds? He always tells me I'm thin and athletic - so I do think he really likes my body - but I guess I just don't know why he's so critical about women's bodies. Is this a HUGE red flag? Is it just a minor glitch? Is it just something sort of yucky about an otherwise wonderful man? Certainly this is FAR better than being married to a drunk, you know?

I don't know if this is a deal-breaker or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 8:43am

I think you are right that it is a flag.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 11:16am

I think I would flat out tell him that you hear him make these comments about overweight women and it makes you wonder what would happen if you ever gained weight--would he still find you attractive, would he still love you? There is a local radio guy that I listen to who is very athletic and probably anorexic himself and he said once that he would divorce his wife if she became fat because he felt it was part of the "deal" that they would both maintain their weight. I couldn't imagine that if you loved the other person, but there are some people who feel that way. I also think that some people just say things w/o thinking much about them--my ex was in the habit of criticizing people's looks, whether it was weight, they way they dressed, if he thought a woman was wearing clothes that were inappropriate for her age, etc. Now he would be the first one to admit that he wasn't good looking. But I just didn't think it was a nice habit to get into of always criticizing people, but then he was a pretty negative person anyway.

Like Pamela, the racist comments would get to me. I could differ w/ a BF on political things but I don't think I could be w/ a person who was a racist or generally prejudiced--it is just so against who I am and what I believe and how I would want my kids to believe. I would tell someone that's not how I feel and I wouldn't accept someone making racist or other prejudiced comments in front of me.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 8:04pm

Specifics somewhat aside, I would say the main thing is that you be able to talk to him about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 8:06pm

Deciding if it's a deal breaker is up to you and your values. Is this a characteristic which you can accept? Have you discussed this with him? If not, you should. To see where he stands on it. 1. He may not realize he's doing it, as kids tend to repeat things their parents say (i.e. children of racist adults, tend to become racists themselves - not always though). 2. He doesn't see anything wrong with it.

After you figure out if this is just him as is, then you will have to choose if it's something you can live with. Personally, for me, a man who makes comments about women's weight is the type of man who won't "accept" you if you gain weight (maybe 5-10 is okay, but what if you gained 30lb for whatever reason?). I couldn't deal with it. I was average my whole life and now, I'm considered obese. If my husband flat out told me he found me disgusting, I'd be hurt so badly, I doubt I'd even try to lose the weight.

As for the racist remarks. My family is full of racists. They're my family though, I deal with it. I wouldn't, however, be with someone that was racist. It goes against my values, and I wouldn't be true to myself if I was involved with someone who's values go against mine.

But in the end, again, it is your choice and what you can accept. Some people are okay with it. I mean, obviously my Aunt and Mom are okay with their husbands being racists. Ditto with my SIL. It's just not my cup of tea. You have to dig deep and ask yourself it is yours. But again, talk to him first. See what is going on.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Fri, 03-12-2010 - 8:48am

I am taking a stab in the dark at this but my guess is its a self esteem issue. He pokes fun at and makes derogatory comments at other people as a way of making himself feel better.

I catch myself doing it too to fat people. I used to be critical of them. And based my self esteem on my physical appearance and shape. A bad thing to do. So now that I am trying to improve myself I make an effort not to do this and to remind myself that overweight people contribute to society just as much as everyone else. I remind myself of the fat lady who kindly shared a pool lane with me. And of the overweight folks I see at triathlons who swim and run far better than I. And of my coworker who is an angle and goes above and beyond to make life better for all of us at work.

So take a look at his self esteem. Does he have self esteem issues? Does he base his self esteem on his race or his physical shape? Can you help him in pointing out how important all people are and how they all contribute to society?


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Fri, 03-12-2010 - 11:54pm

Hello tsunami - yes, in some ways he does base self-esteem on his looks. He is tall and handsome - and physically fit - but sometimes he talks about being bullied as a kid, and ... to be honest, he's sort of sensitive and soft.

I mean, I came from a relationship (my ex-husband) who didn't have a soft bone in his body. He was heartless, to be honest, former military, former cop and if I could describe my ex in one word, it would be this ... "cocky." So ... this new guy is WAY different. I would NEVER consider him cocky or arrogant. Critical ... maybe. Cocky - No.

I don't know - maybe it's the WAY he says it. He's NOT a jerk at all - but he can be rather critical. Sometimes bordering on mean.

But then, I think he has self-esteem issues too. My ex, did NOT have self-esteem issues. He was his own God and he could do no wrong. This guy, sticks up for me like crazy and I think I could sway him in a lot of ways. My ex husband - didn't listen to a THING I said.

I have so much more to write - and thank you all so much for the feedback - but I'm heading to a 12-hour shift tomorrow and I must run off! Have a great night you guys!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 1:16pm
Yes, red flag and you should be cautious and aware. Follow your mind on this. Please take that into consideration because emotional abusers can be charming and negative. You need someone who respects women and he will always respect you. Just my opinion but that says alot about a person. I rather not have any man if they are going to be either way. Thats like your settling and you deserve more and don't rush anything or hang on to anything due to fear of being alone. Love your self and the rest will follow. God knows your heart and he will give you that perfect man when he knows you emotionally ready and it seems as if you should focus on you and self fulfillment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 2:23pm

I get uncomfortable when people make negative remarks about any class of people whether their color or size for

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2010
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 8:23pm


Just my two cents...may not make a difference but here it goes.