Update 2 last couple post

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Update 2 last couple post
6
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:28am
Alright so he thought everything out, realizes hes in love with me, asking for immediate divorce after she recovers, wants to be with me, is 100% sure, but thinks its important for him and his stbx to remain friends,

My thing is once the divorce is final and i can completely trust that there friends and thats it that will be fine, but its hard for me now to just say ok go be friends with her cause i feel its a threat am i wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:53am

No you are not wrong.

PAMELA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:08pm
Oops... I just posted on your earlier post, pls disregard that one ;-)

I went through my fiance wanting to be friends with his ex when they were going through divorce. There were many sleepless nights when we were arguing about this. To make the long story short: he claims that he cares about her as a sister (she's a couple years older than him), even though she cheated on him, he still wants to be friends. During the divorce process, he finally admitted that it's clear that she wanted to get the most money out of him without caring how he's going to live after. So he said he won't stay friends with her, but I want to make sure she knows his intention so I asked him to tell her explicitly that he doesn't want to be friends with her and she shouldn't look for/rely on him if she needs any help in the future. (After they separated, she had called on him for various, dubious helps/favors.)

I told him that I can't live peacefully knowing that he and his ex are still friends because I don't want her in my life and if he remains friends with her, he'll need to do it behind my back, which is not acceptable to me. Also, his ex would see that as a signal that he still keeps the door open for her despite what she did to him. It was very hard for me to say this to him because I love him very much. I told him that he can have both me and his ex as friends, or he can have only me as his mate. As a mate, I expect differently from him than as a friend. I also said that I'm sure he could easily find another woman who can accept his friendship with his ex, but I can't. He repeately tried to change my mind, he said that if our relationship is strong, his friendship with his ex shouldn't make a difference. Should. HA! ... as if there's a right or wrong feeling in this matter.

You need to be honest with yourself what you can/can't live with, and NOT what you or he thinks you should/should not be able to live with. Trust your instincts. Once you know and decide, you'll be at peace with yourself. Sure, it'll be awfully hard if your heart will be broken, but you'll be proud that you respect yourself, your feelings, your needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 12:37pm

There is a difference between maintaining a cordial relationship because you were once married, and actually being "friends".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 8:50am

Excellent post.

PAMELA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 4:06pm
I agree. We were basically going through two divorces last year, his and mine. Although we had been separated from our ex's, the reality is : without finalizing the paperworks, dividing assets, etc. we still have the ties to our pasts. So, not only we had to go through issues that are common in a relationship, we had two divorces to deal with, too! I think we both realized that it would be difficult for our still-young relationship to go through both our divorces, but what can I say, we were head-over-heels in love with each other and took the plunge.

Like you, we waded through these... very difficult and very emotional, but I believe we had passed the most difficult parts (crossing my fingers here!).

Every situation is different, I can only speak for myself here. My stbh wished to just maintain cordial or "friendly" relationship with his ex, and that's different from being friends (there are many different levels of friends, too). But even being 'friendly' I have a problem with. He doesn't need to communicate with her anymore because they don't have any kids that necessitates continuing the communication. My other problem is also the fact that she cheated on him AND she wanted to get the most money out of him (e.g. they were only officially married for 9 months, but she wants a big alimony for 10 years!). I don't understand why anyone wants to keep in touch and even be friendly to a person who wants to rip you off. IF she is a decent person with high integrity and conscience, and things just didn't work out in their marriage, I know I'll have a different view, it would be easier for me to accept his wish to be friendly with her.

Anyways, did I tell you that we're planning to elope next week to Hawaii? :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:16pm

Congrats!

PAMELA