Update on Adult Children Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Update on Adult Children Issues
14
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 2:54pm

Well....BF and I found a few minutes alone this weekend (which is rare), so I took the opportunity to tell BF

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 8:56am

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 12:13pm

You're right, Pam, I really do have a negative attitude toward this whole situation and I'm having a hard time getting past that at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 1:05pm

Do not let the resentment build up to the point where you can not forgive.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 2:04pm

Well, you already know how I feel, but was curious about a couple things before I say too much more.



When you and your SO discussed this before she moved in, was the One Year thing agreed upon between the two you?

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 3:02pm

You're absolutely right again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 3:58pm

Serenity, I love your posts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 4:12pm

I think it's pretty natural that we would want to support & help out our own kids more than other people's kids. I think there are a lot of unknown factors here--some people have a background like Serenity where she was self supporting at an early age. Then if you look at the Surviving divorce board, you see many women who are totally unprepared to support themselves because they have no education and were SAHMs so even if they did go out & get a job, it would be minimum wage and how would they do that and pay for daycare. When I got div, it was still hard but at least I had always worked (I was 40 too not 30).

So it's hard to know w/o knowing more about your SD & her family history. Did she have any kind of education past high school? Did she ever work & how long ago was that? Is she kind of a lazy person, expecting others to do everything for her or is she just overwhelmed & directionless right now. I do understand that you said that she didn't work all summer, but if she did work, who would have looked after her kids? I just think that her personality of being difficult & arguing w/ your DD is not going to endear her to you & maybe that's contributing to the resentment. If she were a really nice woman in the same circumstances, would you feel differently?

I see a problem here because it doesn't seem like her dad is really thinking things through either--he just has this vague idea that in a year she will be self supporting. If she's not someone who is really used to taking care of herself, maybe he has to treat her more like someone who's 20 not 30 and help her to make a plan--like what kind of schooling does she want to get, how much will it cost, who is going to pay for that (there are programs for mothers to get back into the work force--my SIL went to college for 2 yrs for free). She might really need a lot of hand holding if he really wants to get her out of the house. But the fact is that maybe he doesn't really mind her living there. My ex's DSD was still living at home w/ him & his DW when she got pregnant 2 yrs ago--there doesn't seem to be any move to get her own apt. I believe she's about 25, but she does work, her BF helps take care of the baby, so I would say she's responsible, but still I don't know if my ex expected to have a grandchild living there--maybe he figured that soon after she got out of college, she'd be getting her own apt. & he & his DW would be alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 4:57pm

Oh and I wanted to add that BF works out of state M-F, 2-3 weeks a month and is only home on weekends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 5:24pm

You make a lot of really good points Musiclover.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 9:26pm
I would find it really difficult to be in your situation considering that your BF is out of town so much. I always tell my DS don't expect to be living w/ me if he ever has a kid--now he's only 15 so I didn't want him looking at his DSS who isn't married & has a baby & think that's a great idea & he'll just do the same thing & I'll take care of him. Of course I probably would help him or my DD out if they needed it but I don't want them thinking they can expect it. I like the idea of having grandchildren, but still I really don't want to live w/ them full time. By the time DS is in college I'll be 57 so I would like to have a few years to enjoy myself before I'm too old. I also have to sell my house when he graduates from high school due to my divorce decree so I don't expect to have a lot of extra room.

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