Update on no clue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Update on no clue
5
Sun, 03-13-2011 - 2:46pm

So, we have talked, A LOT!!

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 03-14-2011 - 12:47pm

Hey mom...

Well, it appears that maybe fate was giving you a helping hand here.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 7:58pm
Hi Ray--

{{{hugs}}}}} to you!

Hope all is well---I was out of town for a bit when you posted this , but as Serenity said....somethings work out as they do for a reason.....

{{{{more hugs}}}}}}} and BEST WISHES!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 8:53am

Well, he has made some huge changes...He has said it shook him up at the thought I was really walking away...He finally made the appointment with the lawyer and goes on Monday...He and his W have discussed the details, they are both going to this appointment hoping all they have to do is file it and get it over with...He has also told her that as soon as this is over, him and I are moving forward with our relationship...She thanked him for taking our time, thinking of all the kids first...She did get her jab in about "what if it doesn't work", but he told her that "if" it happened he would take care of it, but he doesn't foresee that happening ever...

So, onto what I found...I found some emails to a female he had a relationship with YEARS ago...For me it wasn't the fact that they were communicating, it was the fact he didn't tell me...I felt as though he was trying to "hide" it from me, which really just broke my heart...Before I said anything about this subject, he told me all about it...He had NO idea what I had seen, so he fessed up this info without my influence...We talked about it, why I felt it was important to discuss it and he agreed...I am not trying to change him, or tell him who he can and can't be friends with, but I would like to be involved and be the one who he shares his thoughts with...I told him to think how he would feel if roles were reversed, what would he want...I know we carry old feelings, thoughts, baggage, ect in from our past relations and we need to figure out our current partner and how information will be interpreted...He said before, either she told him she didn't want to know because it wasn't important or they would fight about the information for weeks...So, he is learning again...Which I can appreciate...He said from now on, he will tell me and no more secrets...Which has been working...He has been more open about a lot of things...

We are taking things one day at a time...Things seem to finally be working again...I have been ill and wound up in the hospital for dehydration and I will say, he has been wonderful...He has been taking "care" of me, making sure things are on the mend...So, he is trying...And I am trying...I am hoping that is what is most important...

Mom...

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 03-28-2011 - 11:49am
Good to see your update! Not that I wish divorce on anyone, but if they have been separated for quite some time, AND in a new R, eventually status quo needs to change.

Now all you can do is sit back and remember the D is his to experience and walk through. You can listen if he wants to talk about it, and you can offer up your experience, but it will be important to be very careful that you don't project (either intentially, or not) what you think they should do, or not do. This is especially hard if he asks you "what do you think?"

Just know that there may be some kinks and bumps in the road with their D, and he will still probably experience a sense of loss. Which will be wierd for you, but remember it will lessen with time and hopefully you two will start to move forward as any other couple would.

Glad things are going well (and hope you are feeling better!)
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 12:29pm
I'm glad things are going well for you.

However, I need to say this. Either you need to stop snooping, or you need to fess up to it. Like you told SO, how would you feel if he did that to you? And then accused you of things?

If you want this r'ship to be open and honest, you too have to be open and honest.