Update...it's over

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2012
Update...it's over
9
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 9:02pm

Hi again everyone!

I've posted here before about my DF and I and several issues we were having regarding getting married and blending families. Well, I've had a feeling for quite awhile now that it just wasn't going to work out. Two of our kids don't  get along (mine is 8 and his is 12) both boys and it always happened that my son was the one getting beat on, but his son was never responsible. He would say my son "provoked" him.

Anyway, that's just one issue. I've noticed that he loses his temper often with his boys and doesn't really treat people like wait staff or people that work for him with a lot of respect.

He also has made me feel quite insignificant at times while talking over me, ignoring me etc. when we are around other people. I think I posted about this before, but when we first met, he was still going to his ex wife's every night to see the kids and refused to take her pictures down at his house and office. I told him how it made me feel, but it took several months to get him to take the pictures down.

The point is, for several reasons, I felt in my heart it wasn't going to work out. My kids didn't understand why they would have to move and change schools (he was unwilling to move himself.) and I decided I was going to make them when his kids had to change nothing.

So I broke off our engagement and he is absolutely devastated. He doesn't understand why and will not stop calling, texting, etc. He even messaged my mother and told her he would do anything for me, would change etc.

Even though I feel it's the best decision for me and my kids, it is so hard. We did everything together and it's so hard letting go. I go from crying, to anger in the blink of an eye.

I guess I just needed to vent but any advice is appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 8:49am

Hi Peace---

I dont have much time to write this am---but just wanted to give you some {{{{{{{{{{{HUGS!!}}}}}}}} and say that I think you made the RIGHT decision.

1.  Your kids only have one mom, and one childhood.  

2.  You sound level headed and thoughtful, .....and he sounds like he had his head buried in the sand.................AND....:

3.  I want to say we've had others with some similar situations to you......relationship with SO was less than optimal....eventually they decide to end it.....SO is devastated and claims agreement with all of poster's issues/and will make all these changes.......................poster goes back,....and it morphs into what it was.  

And sometimes this happens more than once or twice (break up/promise to change/morph back into what was)........

I am probably more jaded/pessimistic than some....................but from what you've said...................I dont think his basic personality (ignoring you/talking over you/etc) is going to change.................and I'm glad your child isnt' going to have to live through alot of emotional chaos as a result of this-------

If you and he are really "meant" to be together......with his child age 12.....it's not that many years until that child can move out.......and you can get together then.  

(my guess is you'll have found someone MUCH better before that time).

In my situation, ...I too was devasted at ending a relationship that just seemed to go back and forth with him "realizing" /agreeing to what I was unhappy about.....then morphing back......same issue again......morph back....etc.

It really took me a couple of YEARS to completely "get over" him.....meanwhile I was dating my new (current) SO...................SO and I have been together over 10 years now............and, in retrospect, it was the best thing I could have ever done.  I would have never met SO if I'd stayed with (former guy).............and, ...honestly, ....former guy would still be morphing back into his basic personality, and I'd be unhappy about it, etc etc................not worth living a lifetime that way.

{{{{more hugs!!}}}} BEST WISHES!  Keep us posted!

I'm sure others will have more advice/thoughts/encouragement!

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 7:09pm

Hi Peace, sorry such sad news brings you back.  

I realize there is a grey area when it comes to "fighting for your man or woman" versus accepting things are over, so I am not going to judge him on that.  He is who he is, and he deserves someone who can accept him exactly the way he is.  Granted, it sounds like he exhibits behavior that probably few woman would tollerate, but that will be his journey.  

I just so happy that you came to this place before getting married.  Laughing

I have a GF who got married, I believe, out of fear.  I use the word fear in a very general way.  Not because she was afraid of anything perse, but rather fear that God was not going to take care of her, therefore she married a guy who had not really changed.  It was just a big ring and lots of empty promises.  No coincidence she was unemployed and about ready to lose the home she was living in.  

So now here she is, two years into the marriage, and the emotional rollercoaster has just been terrible.  He is finally agreed to MC, but really nothing has changed thus far.  He has actually filed for D and then had it dismissed.  Talk about having to be in control!  My heart hurts for her.  

I really doubt you would have called off an engagement if you weren't 100% sure.  Doesn't mean it is easy, but I would imagine you are also experiencing a sense of relief based on what you described.  

Hang in there and I hope you stick around and offer your advice and experience to others.  

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-11-2013 - 1:21pm

I think you are doing the right thing.  I married someone for my 2nd marriage that caused a lot of problems at home.  My kids didn't have to move--my 2nd DH & his DD moved in with us.  First of all, there was a lot of discord between him & his DD which wasn't directed at my kids but they had to live with a lot of arguing, yelling and being in an unpleasant atmosphere.  He would say things like "it's not like I don't like [your DD] but..." and complain about things she did all the time--which were really trivial things.  I think he over compensated because his DD caused a lot of trouble so he had to look for things that my DD did wrong.

We were married 5 yrs and then I decided that he was making my life miserable and making my kids' lives miserable and I really had it.  by then my DD was in college and it got to the point where I dreaded having her come home because I knew that he would be complaining about things--but I enjoyed having my DD come home.  I wasn't able to enjoy being with my kids & they didn't enjoy being at home.  things were so much better after he moved out.  I get along really well w/ my kids, they really dont' cause problems.  I am sad that I put my kids through living with him cause it's not like we can get those years back.  So I'd really tell anyone contemplating a 2nd marriage--don't do it unless everybody gets along and your kids like him and vice versa--and if the kids don't get along, it's awkward too.  My DD is one year older than his DD and my DD never liked his DD--she was old enough that they didn't fight and my DD wasn't rude but I'm sure it was clear that they didn't want to hang around together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 01-11-2013 - 3:01pm

<<don't do it unless everybody gets along and your kids like him and vice versa>>

Excellent advice as always, Music!  I would tell the poster and anyone the same.  If I have said it once, I've said it a thousand times...dh and I never could have raised children together...ever. I love my dh dearly, but he sounds a bit like your 2nd dh.  My DDs are grown and it hurts that they don't like dh and he doesn't like them.  They both have good reasons, but, here I am in counseling...caught in the middle. I feel like my DDs have almost given me an ultimatum...him or them.  :(  Although it breaks my heart that my children won't come to my house BECAUSE of dh, my life is my own now.  My DDs are out in the world (older 2 on opposite coasts and me in the midwest) living their lives and at almost 53 years old, my life is my own as theirs are.  As a friend of mine said, it's dh who is there for me on a daily basis making me happy...not my DDs.  They know I love them and am here for them and that's about it.  A "family" we will never be. I will have my "love" (dh) in my daily life and my DDs when they visit or decide they truly want mom in their lives.  And, so...I wait and enjoy my new life with dh. My counselor even told me it may take years, but it is up to DDs to decide whether they will ever accept my new life with dh or not.  My DD25 actually said to me recently during an argument we had that I have chosen dh over them!  (Sounds like a child, huh.)  However, I almost feel like I have, but, again...at MY age, it IS about me and my life.  But, if I had kids still at home...NO WAY would I have remarried...at least not to dh.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2012
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 8:12pm

Thank you all so much! I'm not getting these notifications on my email but I appreciate the advice and support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2012
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 8:17pm

Wow! I feel so validated! Thank you everyone for helping me to realize I made the right decision! Hugs!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2012
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 8:20pm

By the way, after he professed his love for me for a couple of days and called relentlessly (I wouldn't take the call but did text). I wondered if he had gone on Match.com because he had said "well if I get on match and I meet someone, won't you feel bad?" So after we were broken up THREE DAYS, I created a user name and sure enough, there he was!!! Active within 24 hours!!!

More validation and realization that he is SOOO broken hearted!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 9:04am
hi peace---- nice to hear from you ! thanks for the update :) re the Match.com thing-----you cant help but feel sorry for the poor girl who "meets' him next...............sigh.... lol.. ....y'know how Amazon and other places let you post "user ratings" ---people who have purchased the product write reviews----hah---would be nice if you could do such a thing on places like Match.com .....lol ... (of course, ....hah......no one would get a very good review...............but at least you'd get a clue what the common "issues" of dissatisfaction are....) Hope you stick around the board here, and help share your wisdom with others...........I've been sticking around here for quite awhile.....and, to be honest, ...stories REAL similar to yours have been here before .....believe me,...they'll be another in similar situation to you in not too distant future.......and you'll be of use giving them the "BTDT" perspective..... More ((hugs!))) and BEST WISHES!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2002
Tue, 02-26-2013 - 9:52pm

Hi Peace of Mind:

You are courageous and I am happy for you!  For one, it would bother me a lot if my 8 year old got picked on by a 12 year old.  It would make me wonder "why isn't the 12 yr old's dad teaching his 12 year old some good values?"    As a comparison, my husband (step dad to my son) -- I have always felt that my husband feels love for my son -- we dated for five years, and his son  is 1 1/2 years older than my son.  My DH was always protective of my son (his future step son) and was fair.     So, I wish for you....a man who will make sure that 12 year olds are decent to 8 year olds.      You know the old saying "nothing gets better when you get married"....it's just an expression, but if your ex fiance is already dismissive of you, talks over you, rude to waiters, he may be More So once you are married.  I mean, being engaged is supposed to be a happy time, why does he have to be a jerk?

You deserve someone who has an inherent/permanent kindness to them.  One day you will meet a great guy.

Also, if your ex fiance is acting all upset, from what you say about his personality (self centered?) it probably bruised his ego to get dumped.   Now you and your kids have happy times ahead and can seek out mature kind people to spend time with.  Good for you!