Wedding might be off!!!?!?!? help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2009
Wedding might be off!!!?!?!? help!
7
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 12:04pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 12:40pm
It sounds like he's quite insecure about being a good dad, hence the lashing out at you to defend himself.

Is he the type of guy that is capable of having a rational discussion after these fights? And then work towards a solution?


I read a little about the issues you guys were having last year. Are those still in the air?


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2011
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 1:54pm
Sounds like there a some issues that really should be dealt with before your wedding. He probably feels guilty that he doesnt' see his kids that often and tries to make up for it by giving in to a manipulative child. I'm sure he just thinks he is being a good dad. Try to be supportive of his role. What worries me is him calling off the wedding after an argument. Will he call off your "marriage" if you have conflict in the marriage? Things to explore before the wedding - maybe with some premarital counseling.
Anna wife to Sam, mom to my 3 sons, and stepmom to Sam's 2 daughters :) Work from home and love it - www.workathomeunited.com/AnnaAbma
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 3:57pm
(((((((((((((((((((((alliecat))))))))))))))

I do agree with annasmamas post---

really, the way he acted,....you're better off taking a "time out" to decide if you want to commit to this type of behavior from him "til death do you part" as well!

Maybe tell him you want to go to some "pre marital counseling"--and bring these issues up then.

I know I wouldnt want to be married to someone who acts the way he did....? !!

(((((((((((((((((more hugs!!))))))))))))))))

BEST WISHES---and Keep us updated!
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 04-28-2011 - 7:15pm
Boy Allie, no one can tell you what to do, but if you do decide to go ahead with the wedding, know that this is something about him that won't change because you are married.

I don't mean he can't change, I am just saying it will take more communication, and maybe some outside help, for the two of you to find a middle ground.

A bit of a side note: he will never understand your hurt that you carry from having two miscarriages and still not having any children. I have never miscarried, have three children, so I don't pretend to understand. If I can't relate, I don't see how he ever will. HOWEVER, that does NOT mean it is ok for him to DISMISS your feelings. Sometimes all I can say to someone "I am sorry you are struggling" and that is about it.

Sorry, but I forget when the wedding is?

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2009
Fri, 04-29-2011 - 4:49pm

Sienna,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2009
Fri, 04-29-2011 - 4:51pm

We have done the premarital counseling...but sometimes I don't know that he listened. Sometimes (to me) it felt as if he would say one thing in the counseling session and do another at home, but we are working on it and we communicate much better, but that was the closest we had come to calling off the wedding....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 05-02-2011 - 11:16am

I'm not sure when your wedding is, but IMHO, there's a lot of red flags waving at me when I read your post. I would think his spoiling the children is due to his guilt over not being there for them and so he's a Disney dad. That alone can be hard to deal with. I can understand his reaction because yes, it's extremely hard to hear criticism about being a parent (so I'm told, I'm not a parent, so I don't truly know).

But the thing that bothers me the most is how he reacted. Yes, it is just a reaction, but in that moment, he basically called off the wedding, told you you two aren't good for one another, and obviously has very high expectations. The reason that bothers me the most is that is how my 2xh used to be. If we didn't agree on everything, we weren't made for each other. That type of extreme thinking (in the moment or not) is what will destroy the r'ship you have with this man.

I truly suggest you postpone the wedding. Work on the issues at hand. His over reacting, his extreme thinking, his putting you down about "not having kids", and his idea of being a dad. Are you two planning on having kids? Will he feel guilty about his other kids? how will he react to them? And lastly, it sounds like you aren't comfortable with his life style. You seemed to put down his car and house, while saying you make more. Is there resentment in there? I also dislike how he seems to think your life isn't as important, since you don't have kids. I don't expect anyone to remember things, but his reaction to the anniversary of your miscarriages were downright cold. That may not be him typically, but can you live with this man you're seeing every so often? And what happens if it becomes more often than not? It seems like you two aren't able to communicate as adults. Yes, he apologized, but I'm thinking this is how your arguments typically go. If it is, can you handle that for the rest of your life? Getting put down, then him apologizing for it? I know I couldn't. Sorry loses it's meaning after awhile.

You don't have to reply, it's more for you to just think about.