We're Engaged and his X is acting out

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
We're Engaged and his X is acting out
6
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 3:33pm
Hi, I'm new to this board. I started on the boards over at the divorce boards, then the single boards and am reaching out to this board for some advice. You may not agree with my situation, and that's okay.

I myself am divorced after a 6 year marriage, 11 years together total. My fiance is still battling to end his divorce after 2 years of physical seperation (5 years of sleeping at his office) and continued court battle (ending a 20 year marriage). He has a grown adult child (how best to say that?). And I have no children.

I am on speaking terms with my ex. I don't see him, but we could speak if we needed or wanted to. My divorce was emotionally draining, but not hurtful or nasty. His divorce has been terrible. He tried to work things out and she stated that he had psychological problems (depression) and needed to fix himself....she was fine with the way the relationship was (there's a lot more to that story). He decided to leave. She packed him up and never called him. He filed for the divorce. It's been a stupid battle ever since. She still has never called him, just fights him with her lawyer and other things (that is the crux of my question down below).

I've met his family and he has met my family. We all get along wonderfully and everyone likes everyone else. To this day, his son remains loyal to his mother and I have not been able to meet him. My SO takes time on the weekends to see his son and I encourage this interraction (I think it's healthy). My motto is that when his son is ready, he can come to our house. We offered him a room and countless times to discuss the situation, but he declines and so we wait.

Any advice or anyone else been through the following? Personally, as a divorcee myself, I don't understand this kind of behavior. First, she told his entire family and all of her collegues that he was depressed and going to kill himself. He got all these goofy calls from his family and even an e-mail from a co-collegue asking if he was okay. (He is not depressed and never has been clinically depressed; he was tested for depression and it came out with nothing wrong with him). She convinced their son also that his Dad was depressed and going to hurt himself. It was just horrible. His ex has started rumors about us after finding out about us. My SO told her that he was dating because he didn't want her to find out on her own; he wanted her to know from him (this is one of the three phone conversations they have had in over 2 years...all of which, he has called her). Rumors gallore started when she found out who he was dating.....that I was pregnant, that he was suicidal....etc... Recently, she started one stating that I repeatedly called her at her house (his sister told us that). This to me, has crossed the line (in my personal history, my Grandmother got a divorce and my mother is a child of divorce.....since I was little I heard about divorce, what went wrong, what was good, what people should have done, what they shouldn't have done....etc...). I don't know this woman, have nothing to say to her, never called her (even don't answer the phone if I think it's his son because I don't want to upset his son and that relationship) AND (just to make a point) I even encouraged my SO to try to go to couples counseling with her when he asked me to date him (year plus ago) in the first place (NOW I see why he was not able to). I'm wondering if this will ever stop. His sister said that the ex told her that she "was not letting anyone come between her son and her." Whose coming between them? This doesn't make ANY kind of sense to me. To this day.....she does NOT want him back and only wants to make him suffer. WHY? ((((I know I'll never know)))).

I've decided to tell his sister that I don't want to hear anymore of the rumors if and when she starts in on them. I talked with my SO about this. He said to stick close to him and he'll also tell his sister that he doesn't want to hear anymore. We are hopeful that the court will make a judgement and this whole nightmare will be completed by June. My SO believed that the divorce would be over last May. A court date was scheduled for November of last year. It's like the energizer bunny.....it keeps going and going.

Here's my thing.....when my X told me that he was dating someone and moving in with them, I felt relieved. YEAH! He's found someone. I can't be the bad guy anymore. His life is going on and I'm FREE! There was a little green eyed monster hidden in there deep, but more of my feelings were of relief. Does anyone else have X issues? Why are some X's hateful, even though they don't want their X?

Thanks for any responses!

BT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 4:22pm
I'm going to go out on a limb here, and suggest that maybe ex is going through what I call the mirror syndrome. What I mean by this is - everything she says about her ex - your SO - she is really feeling about herself but can't see it that way. My ex has done similar things to me - he says I am the most miserable person he has ever met, when I am happily married and adore my children, have a wonderful supportive extended family, a nice house, job, etc . . . but yet, I don't know when that man has ever smiled. But *I'm* miserable - ??? This is typical of people with low self-esteem, which I suspect is another issue of your SO's ex. People with low self-esteem try to tear others down to their level, because they don't know how to build themselves up. I'm surprised that she hasn't convinced everyone that she is nuts - I'm convinced just from your post.

I wish I had wonderful words of advice - but I don't. Hopefully once the divorce is final you won't have to worry about her anymore, since the son is an adult. I think she is having a difficult time dealing with the divorce and of course the most likely target is her ex. Good luck getting through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 7:57pm
I really appreciate your words. I am concerned about her (his ex as a person) on one level, but protective on the other. These things that his sister tells us sound delusional to me (and it scares me on some level). Maybe it is all projection (mirroring as you call it).....but the calling and the pregnancy stuff is just plain delusional (I've never called her and I'm not pregnant). There are a lot more crazy things that she has said and done, like tell his family that they need to choose between her and him and things I just rather not know, quite frankly. I worry about his son and he worries about him too. I see my SO backing away and down from asking his son for time or to join our lives because of the reprocussions that would ensue from the ex (she called up and chewed out my SO's sister AND mother when they came to visit us the first time). I'm just in SHOCK that this type of behavior comes from a professional woman. I myself am a professional and would NEVER act this way. I suppose being a professional does not mean that you have emotional maturity. What I find strange is how LONG this is going on too. I understand having a hard time handling the divorce-but she wanted it, signed the agreement to start paperwork, proposed settlement options and now is acting all crazy. It's like the ole, I don't want him but no one else can have him either. (Sorry for the venting). I just don't get it.

I think our best way to handle this is to tell his sister that we don't want to hear anymore stuff about his ex(that was my SO's idea). It's all lies and we don't want to hear it. If his sister continues to want to deal with it....she'll have to deal with it on her own.

My SO and I have such a blessed life. We are truly happy and our family members really are happy for us.

Thanks again!

Edited 4/15/2003 5:52:16 PM ET by bubble_toes

Edited 4/15/2003 6:04:04 PM ET by bubble_toes


Edited 4/15/2003 6:05:39 PM ET by bubble_toes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 6:27pm
Hi,

Sorry to hear about your problem. Just thought I'd fill you in on my ordeal. My ex is asking to come back home and him and I get remarried after five years of being apart. We are divorced. My boyfriends exwife sued him for over 800.00 a month alimony after they had been apart for two years. He's wondering why I won't marry him.

Just be very very careful, because of the fact that him and his wife had been married for so long was enough for her to get alimony and it's legal in NC where we are. Good Luck!!

cmo

Avatar for skisgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 12:35pm
The best revenge is to ignore her while you live well. Act like it doesn't even bother you and she will eventually stop.

Hugs.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 11:02am
Oh MY! I'm sorry to hear about your situation. We are lucky because his ex makes much more money than him and has for years, plus the court system here is a 50/50 rule. He actually is giving up a lot more than what the law will allow him. He doesn't want the stuff and he just wants out. You reminded me about the ruling that was in my divorce about not being able to retry the divorce......good point. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 11:08am
We do have a wonderful life and are so blessed to have found one another. He is so happy......the community, his collegues where he works, my family and his family (now) all comment on how happy he looks and include us as a couple in social and private events. Even though we're older than the average birthing ages, we plan on having a family (we can't imagine not having children). I think limiting the gossip from his sister will be key. I'm looking at my monkey lamp and it's inspiring me.....hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil.....

Thanks! Hugs!