what to do with doubt

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
what to do with doubt
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 10:51pm

i feel like i have doubts. i feel like these doubts come from my failed marriage of the past. how do you deal with it? and how do you know it is coming from the past and not the current situation?

in my past marriage, I was married to an abusive crack addict / alcoholic. he made many promises that he never intended to fulfill. or never could. whatever. those promises never came true.

I was very patient at first. patient to a fault and patient when i had no evidence to be so. I started going to codependency recovery groups. got my thoughts right and sought a higher power. ...eventually leading to seperation and divorce. i put boundaries in place and stuck to them. i did what i needed to do for my children and myself. it was quite an ordeal and i couldn't have done it without my faith in God.

I've been patient (somewhat) in getting into another serious relationship... mainly i just needed time on my own. needed to build my selfconfidence and heal. It's been 5 years.

Flashing forward... My current boyfriend. He treats me very good. He tells me he loves me everyday, several times a day. I express my boundaries and the things i need... for the most part, he does everything he can to fulfill my requests \ needs \ wants. He has expressed wanting to marry me and while i can see myself marrying him,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 6:50am

There are two big issues here:


Avatar for purp2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2010
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 10:21am

I see a lot of judgement about him on your part and they don't seem favourable to him. The fact that you think you are too old is one thing but telling him he should feel that way too is a bit controlling.

I think you are expecting too much change. If you don't like him as he is now, with the job he has now, then I think you will be facing a lot of disappointment when things don't change (to your liking).

Accept him as he is or let him find someone who does. Not everyone wants a stable career and family. You are already asking him to take on the responsibility of a home with children, and on top of that telling him what he needs to do to keep you happy.

Sounds like he needs to do a lot of work to be with you.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 2:31pm

Oh bunny!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 2:39pm

I do think purp2010 made a good point. I think you could handle the financial situation one of 2 ways:

1) since you said that you don't really need his financial contribution because you have a good job & you can support yourself & your kids, you could totally keep your finances separate. He could contribute what you both think is a fair amount toward the common household expenses and then whatever else he & you do w/ your separate money is fine. So then if he has to drive a beat up car or can't buy himself new clothes, it's not affecting you.

2) you can stop talking to him about it and see what he actually DOES as opposed to what he SAYS he is going to do toward getting a new job. I do see that there's a difference between hanging out in bars as a patron and working in the bar as a DJ. As long as he's not there drinking up his wages, I don't see that it matters that much. But I could think that there's not going to be much of a future in that--I do know a local radio personality who's late 50's and still does DJ work in bars and makes a ton of money.

If it's important to HIM to get another job, then he'll go out & do it. I think if he only does it because you are pressuring him to do it, it's either not going to last or he's going to end up being resentful. My 1st DH has worked for the post office since I've known him--it's definitely not a bad job, esp. for someone who doesn't have a college degree, the salary is pretty good & they have benefits, but he's just not someone who is ambitious. It did kind of irritate me because I felt like he also didn't want to be the primary house/child caretaker either, so I couldn't advance that much in my career. I don't know what I'd do at this point. If I were looking for just dating, I wouldn't care that much what kind of a job the guy had, as long as he could at least pay his bills and pay for some dates, but for a long term serious relationship, I think the guy would have to make as much money as I do so that we would be on an equal basis. Being that I'm middle aged, I think by this time, someone should be established in their career and not just flitting around. On the other hand, there are people who have worked all their lives and just had an unfortunate experience not due to their own fault. So you couldn't fault them for that. But it does seem that your BF just isn't that ambitious--he's probably ok w/ a job that just pays his bills. I think if you want something different, you should look for a different guy instead of trying to change your BF into someone that he's not.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 2:55pm

But it does seem that your BF just isn't that ambitious--he's probably ok w/ a job that just pays his bills. I think if you want something different, you should look for a different guy instead of trying to change your BF into someone that he's not.

Well said, Music.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 5:40pm


It strikes me that the job situation is similar to the church issue you brought up previously.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 8:12pm
Can I just say that you are so articulate :-) I love how you wrote this out so rationally! You know - I definitely say - give it a time limit. Set one in your mind - 6 months, a year - whatever it is for you, and see if he can meet your goal. I don't even think you need to TELL him he's on a time limit - but at least, if you're keeping track - you can decide if you've waited long enough. My best to you, you well-spoken lady!!! I was also married to an addicted person (alcohol) so I definitely see where you are coming from!!! I couldn't have done it without my faith in God as well!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 8:22pm

Just be careful that you are not doing what I did, which was to have a big chip on my shoulder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2007
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 10:34am

Hi loony!

I think the others have given you GREAT advice.... and I have nothing to really add.. but to say I'm glad to "see" you here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 8:18pm

you can stop talking to him about it and see what he actually DOES as opposed to what he SAYS

thanks, i think i'll try this. and put a mental time limit on it (before i say something again).

i guess in some ways it could be like the initial stages of dating (that i know so well since i was in the dating arena for so long)... in that i've stated my interested now so the ball is in his court... now EC knows how i feel and i'll watch to see what he actually does.

also, i think it's important to note that he isn't happy with his karaoke gig. when i met him, he said he was in a transition phase of his life. I think that is where my expectation for change started. otherwise, i normally don't get involved with someone and then want to change them. But change is normal. And either a person changes for the better and grows, or gets lazy and complacent leading to change for the worse. Also, how we deal with change can be a huge indicator of character. So, i will quell my past relationship fears and have more patience in my current one.

I think also, i'm dealing with PMS this week. And that can usually cause me to be more doubtful and questioning of myself.

thanks again to all for