What is happening?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2012
What is happening?
18
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 5:40am

Hi all

I am having a particularly difficult time at the moment and really need some opions.  Here are some of the things that have happenned in my marriage.

The day before our wedding ... The men's suits were all wrong when dh picked them up the day before (thursday), so they had to be taken back (about 25 min drive away) ... We planned to go together after my massage etc at the beauty salon.  Unfortunately I underestimated how long I would be in there and it took around 45 mins longer than expected.  By the time I got out dh had phoned my B'maid (who was with me) and said he'd gone to take the suits back so I called him.  He wasn't happy that I hadn't phoned him to say I would be late and his day was running behind now.  I explained I didn't realise I had run over and was in the middle of having a massage.  I offered to follow him to the shop so if he had to leave I could take over - he refused.  Every time I spoke to him throughout the day he was tetchy with me.  Eventually half way through the day I said I was sorry and could we put it behind us, I wanted to relieve the stress so he could enjoy his massage on the afternoon.  The tetchyness continued.  We both had a hectic day and it was late evening by the time we'd had tea.  He didn't want to take the car to the reception venue until the next morning (we were getting married at 1 and he had arranged to meet the men for a breakfast).  I didn't want him to have the same stress on the wedding day and said we should take the car and it was done.  So we did ...  we'd had a horrendous day and on the way home 9.50 ish he called his best man to say we'd be home in 10 mins .... he was still tetchy with me and all I wanted to do was re-connect before I left for the night ....  Just after we walked in the door while I am trying to re-connect with some kisses and cuddles his best man walks in the gate and he basically turns away from and says here he is.... so I just said shall I go then and he said well yes....  I end up in tears at the side of the road as I can't turn up at my parents in this state the night before our wedding .... I call him and ask 'so what am i supposed to do now' and he says we'll just put it down to stress and he'll see me tomorrow ....

A few after we got married I had finished work early with a dicky tum and was sitting in front of the tv looking at the home video's I had to see which we were going to keep and which we weren't.  Dh arrived home from work, he stood in the doorway and said 'you could have brought the bin in', I replied 'my hands were full'  he said 'what for the last hour' and I replied 'i'm sorry i didn't think' he said 'well it would have saved me having to get out of the car, move the bin, and then put the car in front of the gate' ... then stomped off upstairs ... I was left flabbergasted and feeling rather chastised and put down.  It had never even entered my head to go back outside and move the bin.

The following summer we were going on our proper honeymoon/holiday to Egypt ... we arrived back early hours of the morning the day before school started (my ds was going with us).  I did not want to come home to lots of housework, ironing, and washing on top of holiday clothes.  I also did not want to be packing at the last minute.  We were flying on the Saturday dh was off on the Friday. On the Wednesday we had had tea and I asked dh if he wanted to iron or wash up, he said i'm not doing either and went outside to the garage and spent 45 minutes fixing the wire on the telphone .... I was a little upset and felt unsupported.  The next day we emailed each other and I explained I was feeling a little stressed as I didn't want everything left to the last minute and need his support ... he said he was off on the Friday and I said but you wanted to do the garden and get the holiday money so the packing needs finishing tonight ... he agreed he would help.  That evening while I packed he laid on the bed and watched me.  When I asked him to get his shirts out he said i'll do it tomorrow it's too late now 9.30 .... After doing what packing I could I sat downstairs and sewed my ds trousers as he would need them for school when we returned.  Dh sat and watched tv... then said are we going to bed 'i said i have to finish these' ... I was gutted inside, he'd promised his support and didn't come through .... I got upset and he said I was being a martyr, wasn't happy unless everything was done my way and it was my fault I had alot to do because the trousers had wanted sewing for weeks ......

Over the last 3.5 years we have argued, fought and I have walked out numerous times, now I don't walk out any more because the next time I leave it will be for good ... it's not fair on my parents to keep turning up in a state and it isn't fair on my son to be left behind .... 

The problem is that my hubby can be quite uncaring in the way he says things ... during the first year of our marraige he would constantly make jokes at my expense ... eventually I started to get upset and he said I had lost my sense of humour ... I explained that when the jokes outweighed the nice things it starts to get you down.... and fair enough he did stop.  

In the rows we have had he has said 'you can get out this is my home not yours', 'your just a spoilt bitch', 'your happy when it's my money your spending', 'why should I have to spend my money taking you out when you have your own'.  

Our relationship has gone from a courtship where we took each other away for romantic weekings, me coming home to teddy's on my bed and notes around the house leading to chocolate in the fridge, not being able to be in the same room without holding hands, cuddling, kissing or if we couldn't I would look up to find his lovely blue eyes looking back.  We would go out for a meal or drink regularly, we would go shopping and he would encourage me to try things on, he would follow me round the shop holding the garments for me .... it was lovely.  Now we rarely go out and when we do it is a given that we will 'go halves' .... if we go shopping he regularly waits outside the shop if he comes along at all.  We sit at opposite ends of the couch in front of the telly most nights (we didn't watch tv at all for the first 3 and half years together).

He dosn't acknowledge any of this and says relationships progress and you can't expect it to be like courtship forever .... 

Anyway if I could be here all day but any opinions would be appreciated.

xxxx

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 8:59am

Two things jump out at me in your post-name calling and the money...

Your DH calling you a spoiled "b" and the fact that he is now insisting that you split things in half-makes me wonder if he has a problem w/your financial contribution to the marriage...

Do you work?  Does he make more money than you do?

My DF and I pride ourselves on the fact that we don't name call during fights-that was something DF insisted upon in the beginning  b/c he reminded me what we both experienced in our former marriages...it can lead you down a bad road...I look at it as respect being extremely important...I remember reading an article once that talked about how signs your marriage could  be heading for divorce or that it had already happened, and name calling was one of the "signs"...I thought about that and really do see it as a red flag...

Sounds to me like your DH isn't communicating in a very mature way-have you thought about trying to get some counseling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 9:05am

  How long have you and dh been together?  I'm sorry to hear of all your disappointments, but, unfortunately, your dh is correct...relationships DO progress.  The courtship you described sounded wonderful, but it's not real day-to-day life.  My dh and I have been together 4 years and the first year was heaven.  He made me feel more loved and cherished than I had ever known (and I had been married 25 years before that!)  Anyway, we rarely go out now (but at ages 50 and 52, we're both ok with that.  We both work full-time and enjoy our weekends just catching up at home and relaxing.  Any arguments WE usually have are about our 7 adult children. 

It sounds like you and dh need to have a heart-to-heart about what your expectations are in a marriage and what better you can both do to meet each other's needs.  I AM sorrry that he brought up the money issue.  I was raised old-school...that once married, money is OURS, not HIS or MINE and common goals are met with the money as a whole.  I understand that society being what it is today, that that is often not the case.  What I have learned about my dh is that he doesn't always fight fair and can be borderline abusive (putting me down).  He is a very high strung person with some depression mixed in, so I have to be very mindful of what I say and what I do.  I know he loves me, but when he gets hurt or frustrated by ME, it's usually not pretty.  Perhaps you, too, over time, will learn each others day-to-day ways of dealing with the stressors of life and learn how to deal with them. 

If talking to each other doesn't help, perhaps marriage counseling would. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 11-24-2012 - 11:29am

It seems that you & your DH have different ideas of what marriage should be like.  It appears from what you said that his idea of marriage is that once he "got you" by means of the courtship, that's it and he didn't expect married life to be very romantic.  I'm not saying that he is doing this to be mean or that it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, but he doesn't think it's necessary to do the things you used to do when you were dating.  I know that it can't be romantic all the time because before you get married or live together, you don't have to deal with things like bills & household chores that aren't romantic at all, but I think there should be a happy medium somewhere.  I think it's important to have some romantic times where you go out & spend time together as a couple and have fun & don't talk about boring stuff.  If every night is just spent watching TV and not having any "quality time," then I think the marriage suffers.  Do you think he'd be open to having a night out at least once every 2 weeks if it was important to you?  I also think that when people don't make any effort that their sex life also suffers, which is another way that the marriage can be brought down.  I don't think that most women are encouraged to have sex if they feel that their DH otherwise ignores them (or at least that's how I feel).  I remember when my 2nd marriage was going down hill--in that even when we weren't having arguments, most nights after dinner we were in different rooms.  My DH would be watching TV in one room (he like to watch stuff like the Western channel that I really hated) and I'd be in another room reading or doing crossword puzzles or something.  He noticed it too--he said that we were really living like roommates instead of a married couple.

As far as the money, I think it depends on the arrangements you have for sharing expenses.  In both marriages, we just had a joint account & put all our money in there--now in the 2nd marriage for various reasons and I think if one or both has kids from the 1st marriage I don't always think it's a good idea.  But it would be nice if you had some joint money and you could just use that when you go out together so  you don't always feel as if you're counting every penny to make sure that no one spends too much--that just seems cheap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Sat, 11-24-2012 - 7:17pm
By what I see it could be a few things; he's preoccupied with work, he's bored with the marriage, or he's having an affair. These stem from a few things... Aside from his work (don't take this personal) have you gained weight, changed your appearance in any way, or are nagging him? Men are funny in different ways, you have to find a way to entice him but you have to do it mysteriously, take a step back and observe his behavior without being oobvious, so you could see what is really bothering him- then take it from there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 9:55am

Hi Ballab2008

I do work full time and am studying for a degree.  Our contributions to the household income aren't really that much different overall, although I do think his perception is that he contributes more.  It became apparent recently that he thought my annual income was about 9k less than it is ... he has also commented that I used to shop in less costly shops than I do now i.e. average for dress used to be about £25 now it may be £45-50.  However I pointed out that I have had a 48% pay increase since we met so why shouldn't I expect better. 

I must admit I was devastated the first time we got into a full blown row and the way we spoke to each other.  Although I get angry and raise my voice I never attack him presonally it's usually trying to get my point over.  However his pattern is to deny any wrong-doing on his behalf without acknowledging my feelings.  When I push the point he starts to 'tit for tat' about other things, when I stick to the point he starts using big words to demean me and when that doesn't work he gets angry and we end up at the point of divorce.

We have talked a few times about how our arguments get to such a point but they always follow the same pattern.  When I am upset I need my feelings to be acknowledged, and he refuses to do that, he just takes the line that I haven't done anything wrong and I won't back down ... I end up not being able to speak to him because I get so upset at having my feelings dismissed and he gets more and more wound up because I don't drop it .... 

We did go for counceling and it appeared to do some good but within 2 months of it finishing we were back to square 1 .... 

I am really grateful you took the time to reply.  I get so down about it all it helps to have some clarity from other people.

xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 10:36am

Hi StartingOver

We have been together just over 5.5 years.  I do understand that relationships progress but I am also a true believer that without regular romance, affection, admiration and respect a marraige can be allowed to die.  These things are very important to me and when they aren't there it makes the difficult times even more difficult to handle.

We did discuss our problems and he says we argue over money and kids.  His solution was we have separate money and he will bring his ds up how he likes and I can bring mine up how I like.  Bearing in mind that one of my biggest problems is insecurity about how we have grown apart over the last couple of years and how our relationship has changed out of all recognition this just felt like we were pushing further apart.  I also feel I would find it difficult to live in a house where his 19 year old ds would be allowed to do things that may overstep my boundaries.  

I do not believe in the kids being paid to contribute to the running of the house.  This came up some weeks ago when his jobless DS suggested we pay him to do the ironing.  I said yes we'll put a roof over your head and a meal on the table. Last week he paid a rare visit home with his GF (who's house he stays at virtually every night) and decided to clean the kitchen and do all the washing.  When I arrived home he was about to put one of my dresses in the dryer with his jeans. My DH knows I am already fussy about the washing and prefer to do it myself.  A couple of weeks ago we had sat down with DSS and talked to him about paying his debts/fines and handling his money better.  It turns out that after his spurt of helpfullness DH gave him £20 to go the cinema with his GF.  I was upset because I felt this undermined a) not being paid to help around the house, b) the talk we'd had about handling his money .... DH says he will not back down because if he wants to treat his son he will...... that it wasn't payment for helping around the house but a treat because he has been well behaved recently !!!! I disagree with paying the kids to be good.  The only time I have done anything like that was when my DS passed all his exams with good grades I treated him by contributing to an electric guitar.

I am hoping the talking is going to help because after this discussion, although it did get a little taught at times with the tit for tat process, we did feel closer afterwards and had a great weekend. 

Anyway thank you for taking the time to reply.  I would be grateful for any further comments you have.  It really helps to get another point of view when feeling really down.

xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:01am

Hi Musiclover

I think our quality time together has slowly been eroded by the attitude of 'how are we paying', doesn't feel very romantic when you know he's weighing up if he is going to be out of pocket and that because the tension is so high between us alot of the time, quality time together can easily turn into an argument.  

We were planning a few days away in December but that was cancelled because we were arguing - over the size of my DS new bed - and hasn't been re-booked because when we go away DSS takes it for granted it is ok to bring his GF to stay and as my DS won't stay in the house with them we cannot trust DSS not to use my DS bed and DH refuses to put a lock on the door.

There is alot of stress in our life regarding his DS but I feel as long as our relationship is good and we are united in how to deal with it it should not be a problem but I find DH picking fault with my DS to compensate and doesn't give a consistent message to his DS.

I guess the idea of us both putting money into a pot for nights out might be a solution so thank you for that suggestion. 

I am really grateful you took the time to reply and would appreciate any further comments, it's really difficult to be objective when you're emotionally involved.

xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:01am

Hi Musiclover

I think our quality time together has slowly been eroded by the attitude of 'how are we paying', doesn't feel very romantic when you know he's weighing up if he is going to be out of pocket and that because the tension is so high between us alot of the time, quality time together can easily turn into an argument.  

We were planning a few days away in December but that was cancelled because we were arguing - over the size of my DS new bed - and hasn't been re-booked because when we go away DSS takes it for granted it is ok to bring his GF to stay and as my DS won't stay in the house with them we cannot trust DSS not to use my DS bed and DH refuses to put a lock on the door.

There is alot of stress in our life regarding his DS but I feel as long as our relationship is good and we are united in how to deal with it it should not be a problem but I find DH picking fault with my DS to compensate and doesn't give a consistent message to his DS.

I guess the idea of us both putting money into a pot for nights out might be a solution so thank you for that suggestion. 

I am really grateful you took the time to reply and would appreciate any further comments, it's really difficult to be objective when you're emotionally involved.

xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:30am

Hi Bored17

I know what you are saying.  I have gained weight and after having lost quite a bit am now back to where we were when we got married.  I am not convinced that's a problem because despite regular arguments we never ever go more than 4-5 days without sex.  When we are friends we are very regular in that department.  I will admit it isn't as adventurous as it used to be it is still very very good :-).  Although we have both had insecure thoughts, mainly because of all the problems we've had, we have asked each other if there is anyone else involved.  Neither of us are really built that way. 

I think our main problem is that the point gets missed in what we both need from the relationship and because neither of us are really getting it, resentment is breeding and every small problem becomes an argument.

I am also very straight forward and consistent when it comes to bringing up my DS.  My DS and I communicate very well and he has a lot of common sense.  If I am unhappy about something I explain why and he usually understands and accepts the decision without a problem. 

DH, unfortunately has difficulty communicating with his DS and because of this can be inconsistent and take the easy route.  He finds it difficult to refuse him anything.  

This causes friction between us as a couple as DH resents my clear vision of the messages communicated by our actions.

For example: DH was backed into a corner in lending his DS £25 for a tatoo.  Because he wouldn't say NO straight away and beat around the bush (bearing in mind he had borrowed £500 only a week prior) DS took this as maybe and borrowed the money from someone promising to pay it back.  He then went to DH and said I have to pay her she has kids to feed.  DH gave him the money and said the 1st £25 you get in your hands is mine.  Still hasn't paid.  DH gave him £20 to go the cinema last week.  Message to DS - it doesn't matter that you haven't paid me back ....

I do thank you for your reply and am grateful for your comments.  It's nice to get some objectivity.

xxx

Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 1:28pm

seems to me, you both have different ideas and expectations of marriage & you, both, are starting to resent each other, because you aren't communicating correctly.

I would suggest, seeing a counselor.  Nothing wrong with it, he/she will help you communicate better & remind you od why you feel in love with each other, in the 1st place.  Good luck.  Smile

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

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