What is happening?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2012
What is happening?
18
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 5:40am

Hi all

I am having a particularly difficult time at the moment and really need some opions.  Here are some of the things that have happenned in my marriage.

The day before our wedding ... The men's suits were all wrong when dh picked them up the day before (thursday), so they had to be taken back (about 25 min drive away) ... We planned to go together after my massage etc at the beauty salon.  Unfortunately I underestimated how long I would be in there and it took around 45 mins longer than expected.  By the time I got out dh had phoned my B'maid (who was with me) and said he'd gone to take the suits back so I called him.  He wasn't happy that I hadn't phoned him to say I would be late and his day was running behind now.  I explained I didn't realise I had run over and was in the middle of having a massage.  I offered to follow him to the shop so if he had to leave I could take over - he refused.  Every time I spoke to him throughout the day he was tetchy with me.  Eventually half way through the day I said I was sorry and could we put it behind us, I wanted to relieve the stress so he could enjoy his massage on the afternoon.  The tetchyness continued.  We both had a hectic day and it was late evening by the time we'd had tea.  He didn't want to take the car to the reception venue until the next morning (we were getting married at 1 and he had arranged to meet the men for a breakfast).  I didn't want him to have the same stress on the wedding day and said we should take the car and it was done.  So we did ...  we'd had a horrendous day and on the way home 9.50 ish he called his best man to say we'd be home in 10 mins .... he was still tetchy with me and all I wanted to do was re-connect before I left for the night ....  Just after we walked in the door while I am trying to re-connect with some kisses and cuddles his best man walks in the gate and he basically turns away from and says here he is.... so I just said shall I go then and he said well yes....  I end up in tears at the side of the road as I can't turn up at my parents in this state the night before our wedding .... I call him and ask 'so what am i supposed to do now' and he says we'll just put it down to stress and he'll see me tomorrow ....

A few after we got married I had finished work early with a dicky tum and was sitting in front of the tv looking at the home video's I had to see which we were going to keep and which we weren't.  Dh arrived home from work, he stood in the doorway and said 'you could have brought the bin in', I replied 'my hands were full'  he said 'what for the last hour' and I replied 'i'm sorry i didn't think' he said 'well it would have saved me having to get out of the car, move the bin, and then put the car in front of the gate' ... then stomped off upstairs ... I was left flabbergasted and feeling rather chastised and put down.  It had never even entered my head to go back outside and move the bin.

The following summer we were going on our proper honeymoon/holiday to Egypt ... we arrived back early hours of the morning the day before school started (my ds was going with us).  I did not want to come home to lots of housework, ironing, and washing on top of holiday clothes.  I also did not want to be packing at the last minute.  We were flying on the Saturday dh was off on the Friday. On the Wednesday we had had tea and I asked dh if he wanted to iron or wash up, he said i'm not doing either and went outside to the garage and spent 45 minutes fixing the wire on the telphone .... I was a little upset and felt unsupported.  The next day we emailed each other and I explained I was feeling a little stressed as I didn't want everything left to the last minute and need his support ... he said he was off on the Friday and I said but you wanted to do the garden and get the holiday money so the packing needs finishing tonight ... he agreed he would help.  That evening while I packed he laid on the bed and watched me.  When I asked him to get his shirts out he said i'll do it tomorrow it's too late now 9.30 .... After doing what packing I could I sat downstairs and sewed my ds trousers as he would need them for school when we returned.  Dh sat and watched tv... then said are we going to bed 'i said i have to finish these' ... I was gutted inside, he'd promised his support and didn't come through .... I got upset and he said I was being a martyr, wasn't happy unless everything was done my way and it was my fault I had alot to do because the trousers had wanted sewing for weeks ......

Over the last 3.5 years we have argued, fought and I have walked out numerous times, now I don't walk out any more because the next time I leave it will be for good ... it's not fair on my parents to keep turning up in a state and it isn't fair on my son to be left behind .... 

The problem is that my hubby can be quite uncaring in the way he says things ... during the first year of our marraige he would constantly make jokes at my expense ... eventually I started to get upset and he said I had lost my sense of humour ... I explained that when the jokes outweighed the nice things it starts to get you down.... and fair enough he did stop.  

In the rows we have had he has said 'you can get out this is my home not yours', 'your just a spoilt bitch', 'your happy when it's my money your spending', 'why should I have to spend my money taking you out when you have your own'.  

Our relationship has gone from a courtship where we took each other away for romantic weekings, me coming home to teddy's on my bed and notes around the house leading to chocolate in the fridge, not being able to be in the same room without holding hands, cuddling, kissing or if we couldn't I would look up to find his lovely blue eyes looking back.  We would go out for a meal or drink regularly, we would go shopping and he would encourage me to try things on, he would follow me round the shop holding the garments for me .... it was lovely.  Now we rarely go out and when we do it is a given that we will 'go halves' .... if we go shopping he regularly waits outside the shop if he comes along at all.  We sit at opposite ends of the couch in front of the telly most nights (we didn't watch tv at all for the first 3 and half years together).

He dosn't acknowledge any of this and says relationships progress and you can't expect it to be like courtship forever .... 

Anyway if I could be here all day but any opinions would be appreciated.

xxxx

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 5:17am

Hi Kiki

Thank you for taking the time time to reply.

I think you have hit the nail on the head.  That has certainly happened to me.  I got a very different picture of how being married to dh would be than the reality and it has built resentment.  He would like me to just accept it the way it is and because that hasn't happened his resentment has built to the point were he resents my point of view about anything and will take the opposite view.

We did see a counselor but I think you are correct we need to look at it again.

We talked again last night about what I thought had eroded our marraige and I tried to explain the differences I feel in our relationship i.e. romance not being important enough, the difference in the level of affection.  

He went out to work this morning, and came home 20 mins later to saw some wood outside, he didn't even pop his head through the door to say hello.  He knew I was still there because my car was outside.  He thinks I didn't know he was there so didn't bother.  For some reason I feel like that doesn't sit well with me.  I wouldn't dream of coming home and leaving without even saying hello.

Anyway, hopefully we will make progress.

Any further comments would be appreciated.

xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 9:19am

I agree with Cowboy's Grl----

seems like your best option right now is seeing a counselor.

The resentments are building, and so, for example, you mentioned in one post how you two had talked some (apparently you thought things were at least somewhat better), but he came back, and went directly outside to saw wood without sticking his head inside to say "hi".  Maybe it was completely innocent and he simply didnt want to be dragging dirty clothed self inside, or maybe he was still a bit miffed and wanted/needed time alone sawing wood to work it thorugh himself----point is, you were/are feeling bad about it----------------and I think in all of the posts here, I could give my 2 cents agreeing with you most of the time, disagreeing some other times-----but what matters in your marriage is NOT my thoughts about it all------it's the relationship you and he have, and the compromises you and he can come to TOGETHER so that BOTH OF YOU (not me! :) ) are feeling GOOD about things, and especially your life together.

FWIW, at this point, I think even things like putting money into a pot for "dates", etc, is still just kind of nibbling around the edges of the problem-----and I really think a GOOD counselor can start to help the two of you get to a better understanding of each other, .....and then, I think the "around the edges" problems will sort themselves out alot easier.

BEST WISHES!!

Please keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2012
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 5:20am

Hi Laurena

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I know what you are saying about it being important that we come to compromises together so we are both feeling good about things.  The problem is alot of the time there doesn't appear to be a compromise. We have an ongoing problem regarding the size of my DS bed !!!

Long story a bit shorter ...

When we moved in together the plan was to move a wall to provide similar size bedrooms for our DS's. DH had to confront his DS about money going missing from my house (where we were all staying whilst starting work on DH house).  His DS left and moved in with his mother who wanted to be his friend and not his parent.  As we didn't hear from him for weeks we didn't move the wall and my DS moved into the second bedroom (previously DSS's).  

Over the years DSS has bounced from one parent to the other after being kicked out of one or the others for stealing, drugs etc etc.  In April this year his DM kicked him out for good and he moved in with us. 

Over the years we have redecorated the whole house to a reasonably high standard.  The last room to be done was my DS room.  Now DH already has an attitude when it comes to spending money on my DS (or in fact on anything that is personal to anyone else other than him or his family).  When we decorated DSS room and ours we bought new beds so I wanted to buy new bed for DS.  DS asked for a bigger bed 3/4 size, DH objected saying my reasons for buying a bed 'did not do it for him' !!!  Eventually after many arguments about all sorts of other things we talked and he agreed to the bed .... When it came to ordering he said he disagreed as it wasn't fair on his DS because he couldn't fit a bigger bed in his room ... I said I was not restricting the size of my DS furniture because DSS has a smaller room and refused to go back on my word to my DS.  

The bed arrived and DSS told his dad if it wasn't sent back he would slash the mattress !!!! DH then told me it was my fault for causing this situation because I didn't listen to him .... huge row ensued .... 

A week or so ago DSS sent DH text saying he would get rid of his wardrobe (£450) worth and then could put a bigger bed in his room.  We agreed we should sit down and talk about it with him because it wasn't going to happen and we needed to discuss it face to face with him.  DH sent back saying we need to talk face to face.  Nothing happened.

Last night DSS text me saying can he get rid of the wardrobe and put his clothes in the linen cupboard on the landing to fit bigger bed in his room.  Following by another saying if the answer is no you better get rid of your DS bed by Friday or I will.  Just warning you whats going to happen and I will do it .....

I called DH who had gone to the supermarket and told he better go and pick his DS up and bring him home to sort this out.  He came home and rang his DS and told him no more threatening texts.  I could hear his DS shouting down the phone saying it was unfair and the bed has to go unless he gets one or he will get rid of it.

DH text him later to say you're putting me in the middle and making me choose deal with it .... He later sent one saying we will talk tomorrow and make a compromise !!!!!!

DH was not happy about his position and said I should have taken his advice about the bed in the first place.  I said I was not going to say no to my DS to appease his DS as he wouldn't the other way round ... I also said I will not be threatened or dictated to by his 19 year old DS.  I also said I wanted his key taking off him.

I find it totally unnacceptable to live in a family where the attitude is if I can't have one he can't or if my DS can't have one neither can yours !!!!  

I just don't know how to get my head around that one ....

Anyway I could rabbit on for hours but know it wouldn't get me anywhere ... I just don't know how much longer I can take this way of living ....

xxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 8:16pm

I am wondering if you keep most of your money separate except for household bills, does it really matter what money he gives his son?  Then on the other hand, he shouldn't be commenting on how much money you spend on dresses.  I know Laurena & her SO keep their money separate so he won't drive her crazy with what he spends on his kids if she disagrees.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2002
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 12:17am
Hello! First, welcome to the board, as there is a lot of support here! Second, I can see that over time, it is hurtful to have your DH be cold or cranky. How is he with others, like his friends or parents? Is he warm or can he turn "grouchy" -- is it his personality to be cold? Big question -- how does he act in between the episodes you described --= for example, he was sullen or cold hearted the day before your wedding -- how did he act toward you the first 6 months of your wedding? In my marriage, my husband may get cranky if he is tired, or perhaps if the house is a bit messy, exc. If he is cranky to me he almost always comes back later and says "I'm sorry if I sounded upset: and he'll hug me. So I "Feel" that he loves me and it doesn't bother me if he is cranky sometimes. Does your husband give you the overall sense that he loves you? Does he often say he loves you or act like he appreciates you? I hope that your husband sees marriage as a blessing and feels 50% responsible to work things out. One suggestion about your husband's son. I know it is hard as his son is 19 and lives there. (My husband's son is only here a few hours a month -- he is very sweet but me and dh never have any co-parenting to conflict about, as his son lives with his mom) However, you may want to hold off opinions on your husband's son unless it's something detrimental to someone's health or dangerous exc. For example, if you find out your stepson does drugs, you have the right to speak up! If your stepson borrows your car without asking, you have the right to speak up! However, if your husband wants to treat his son to movie tickets, that's really between the two of them. You said his son is age 19 - your DH probably sense that his son is growing up and will have his own life one day, and your DH probably gets enjoyment out of treating him. MY husband's son is given a lot of unhealthy food (my DH will buy him a huge 2 liter of coca cola if he's going to be here just 2 hours! I'm afraid stepson will need a lot of dental work one day, no joke) -- but I've given up on saying much. So unless your stepson does something dangerous or highly rude, exc, maybe let your husband parent him. It is easier in the long run! My **main** concern is do you sense or feel love from your husband. In between times that he is "cold" or "unhelpful/uncaring" is he warm and loving? Does your DH realize that he is abrupt and cold to you? If so, I seriously would let him know that you want more politeness and caring out of him, or maybe one day you won't be there anymore! Any woman in your shoes -- if your DH is cold, uncaring -- won't put up with it forever. I hope your DH "takes ownership" of how he treats others (you). Last thing - he should not let his son sleep in YOUR son's bed when no one is there. That is your son's personal space. Tell him that's like if someone else used your DH's toothbrush or hairbrush, it's infringing on personal space. God Bless and I hope your DH finds warmth in his heart. Has he ever seen the Christian movie "Fireproof"? In the movie, the husband is confrontational to his wife and angry all the time -- he finds an inner peace through spirituality and turns the corner, good movie. God bless!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2012
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 6:07am

Hi Isally

Thank you for taking the time to reply.  The support is truly fantastic.  It's really lovely that people take time out to support each other like this.

He is lovely with others.  He will do almost anything for anybody.  We have friends, a couple, he works abroad and whenever he comes home during the week DH will pick him up from the airport without question.  If I am having a night out with friends and ask for a lift 'it depends what he is doing'.  He has lots of friends who regard him very highly and is close to his mum, although there is only one other person he is affectionate with and that is an ex colleague - female - but apparently it's allowed because she is now gay !!! He very rarely says sorry for anything and when he does it's usually because I have pushed him into it and then it becomes apparent he didn't mean it when the same issue is brought up in the next argument.  I do think he loves me, he just has a very distorted idea of how families should be and tends to apply fairness, rules etc when it's to mine and DS detriment but not when it is the other way round.  He never acts like he appreciates me, ever .... Earlier this year he had served full time in his job.  Things were changing at work and he wasn't enjoying it any more and it was only going to get worse.  He was worried how we would manage financially if he retired.  We sat down and looked at the income we would have and outgoings, it was apparent we should be able to live on what was coming in but couldn't cover the final improvements to the house or holidays.  He agreed he would cover that with his lump sum.  The following day he handed in his notice.  Within a few weeks, while he was still on full income he turned round and said 'YOU still haven't demonstrated  to ME how we're going to cut our cloth' !!!!!  That's how appreciative he was of my support in his retiring .... Over the summer holidays I found it much more difficult than expected going out to work every day whilst he, my son (on summer break before starting college) and his son (unemployed and showing no intention of getting a job) chose from day to day what they did.  I got no appreciation, no empathy, sympathy nothing ... just a smirky have a nice day from both him and his son !!!!  He even sent me a picture of coffee and cream cakes whilst he was out one day !!!  Where was his sense of fairness then, the one he now resents me for not applying by refusing my DS a bigger bed because DSS couldn't fit one in his room !!!! 

I know what you are saying about standing back and letting him parent his son but it is really really difficult sometimes when it is clear that he allows him to push the boundaries without challenge.  When he tests the water with me and DH doesn't speak up, he leaves me to do it.  For instance DH got the idea of getting a dog, I am allergic to animals, we toyed with getting a Scotty Dog because they don't shed much hair ... eventually I said it was unfair as we were both out all day (at the time) and it would be just another stress not allowing it in the rest of the house (kitchen and garden only).  DSS last week announced he'd emailed some dog shelter about getting a chocolate labrador and was waiting for them to get back to him.  DH said nothing .... it was up to me to say and where are you going to keep it .... he said in a shed at the side of the house ... I said no we aren't getting a dog ..... when DSS left I asked DH if he would mind in future doing that instead of leaving it to me ... his response was it was only talk... my point is that he is testing the water and what happens when nothing is said and he turns up with a dog !!!! DH said he'll be told to take it back ... how will DSS, DH and DS feel about me then .... 

It is really difficult to do when I come home and find DSS putting my dresses in the dryer with his jeans, which incidently he has just washed together, and it is left to me to ask him not to do the washing because DH doesn't want to upset him ... because he was only trying to help !!!! 

It is really difficult to do when DSS comes home with a ridiculous haircut after making the effort to apply for jobs and DH doesn't even notice.

It is really difficult to do when DSS threatens to damage our property because it's not fair and he is just told daddy can't fix what's done so let it lie !!!

I am so angry because it is not fair that my DS is required to study hard and would not be tolerated not having a job or being in full time education when DSS was allowed to sign up to one day a week and walked out on the 2nd day!!!

It is not fair that whenever we go on holiday as a family DSS is crying after the first day to go home and then proceeds to say he is going to tell the rep his Mam is dying so they'll fly him home.  Then spent the whole holiday throwing tantrums or acting like an idiot in public.

It is not fair that my DS handles his money but DSS runs up a phone bill in the hotel after being told not to and then Daddy buys him Malibu in the airport when I said we might need the money on the flight.

It is not fair that DSS was allowed to borrow £500 to go away with his GF for a week and a half and then crys down the phone to Daddy to go get him after 4 days because they've fell out so we spend our Bank Holiday driving to pick him up, it turns out, so he can go out with another girl that night !!! But hey he's spent the £500 and then comes back 3 days later for £25 for a tattoo !!!! 

It is not fair that now I can't leave my home for any length of time because his DS can't be trusted not to abuse our trust !!!

I know this all sounds money orientated, but it really isn't about the money, that wasn't from our joint funds, it's about the way his accepted behaviour affects the rest of the family and then being allowed to have a tantrum because he thinks something isn't fair and be told he is right 'it isn't fair' !!!

I just spend from day to day hoping and praying something turns soon because I really do not know how much longer I can go on with sleepless nights and being blamed by DH because I didn't obey his advice .....

I'm sorry I know it's all a bit of a rant but it just helps to get it all out to people who appear to want to help, thank you xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 7:42am
I can't remember if it was Serenity who said this-or I picked it up somewhere else on another board-nothing about divorce will ever be "fair"-especially when children are involved... Probably far better to just look realize that there really are certain non negotiables-however, it does seem that your DH has some hostility towards you and he isn't really communicating what has caused it... Is he open to counseling?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2012
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 8:06am

Hi Bellab2008

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply.

I did suggest more counselling in August and he was quite non-committal.  I guess he would if I pushed but if just fear it will be like last time he will say all the right things and very little will actually change.  I think the holtility stems from our difference of what is acceptable and what is not in the way you communicate with and treat people. Because I won't/can't accept being dictated to about how long a shower should take and be chastised for over-running a bath, or bringing the bin in or feel like we have to ask permission to put a light or the heating on resentment breeds and that creates hostility.  I know I am coming across as very negative but it really is difficult not to when I feel so angry, tired, down, and uncared for.  

Someone said they hoped he saw marraige as a blessing but to be honest I feel like he is happy to be married as long as me or my DS don't cost too much or cause him too much inconvenience.

xxxx

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