What a nightmare, please wake me up!!!!!
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|Fri, 04-11-2003 - 6:43pm|
I'm new to this board and i'm,
I'm very sad and unhappy right about now. I've been married for almost a year and a half. Unfortunately, me and my husband have been seperated for 5 months now.
This is his second marriage and it is also mine. Me, divorced and he widowed. We are both rebounds for one another. We met right when I was getting a divorce and his wife just died.
Anyway,between the both of us, he has three children 1 girl, age 7 and two boys, 11, 12. I have three boys, ages, 11, 12, 15.
The main cause of our seperation was because of his children. They are wild, uncontrollable, are allowed to do anything they want to do, talk to me any way they want to and use profanity, sexually explicit gestures and have girlfriends. They at one point told me about the sex positions they would catch their parents in. I was so offended. They come into the bedroom and just lye on the bed, even if i'm sleepy, they won't leave. They don't even knock. He wants his daughter to sleep between us because that's how he and his deceased wife did it and she's afraid to sleep alone. I didn't raise my boys like that. They are all honor roll students, they don't talk or act like that and because of this, his kids calls mine wimps and geeks.
He took his kids away from the house to live with their maternal grandmother about three months before we seperated. They called at all times of night, 1:00-3:00am even on school nights. "grandmother has no control over them either" He would go and visit them on every Saturdays all day so we had no saturdays together. He would pick his kids up from school, feed them at McDonalds, they would come and brag to my children aboutit. His kids would come over, mess up, talk dirty, take things and feel that they didn'thave to respect me or the house because they didn't live there, they didn't have to clean up. He was no help at standing behind me to make them do this. they told me that they didn'thave to listen to me because i'm not their mom. His daughter started calling me mom but that was stopped soon.
We have all went in for counseling but that didn't work. He just allow his kids to do what ever it is they want to do. Because I ask them to clean up after themselves, not to run throughout the house and not talk sex talk about girls, they say i'm too strict and they didn't want to live with us anymore. He moved them out to live with their maternal grandmother without even discussing it with me. I come home one day and they were gone. I slave over the stove when they visit and they talk about my cooking. My husband doesn't back me up with anything. He feels that he shouldnt get on them so tough because their mother died and she was the one that did all of the disciplining. He feels sorry for them. When I try to ask them to clean up or stop bouncing the ball in the house, they start yelling or even crying saying , "i wish my momma was alive!"
The children have no home training. Non, at all, even my mother in law is upset about this. The problem is, my husband don't see anything wrong with it, He just says, kids will be kids, be cool, they lost their mom. I love him and I want this to work but His kids are interfering with us getting back together.
My kids also stated that they didn't want us back together because my husband won't do anything with them, he stated he couldn't be a father to them until he's a father to his own and he'll never be their father because they already have one. My kids don't like him and his kids don't like me and our kids don't like each other.
I don't know what to do. My husband promised to change. We have bought books and are going through self help. The problem is, we want to get back together but our kids don't want us to.
When I try to sit down and talk to my husband about his kids, he get so defensive. So I don't even bother anymore. I already told him if there's anything I can do about my children, we can work on it. I tried take his children and love them.
Also, my husband wants pictures of his deceased wife over the house because "that was his kids mom and they have a right to have her picture." He has a big 11x20 of him, his oldest son and her on one picture in our livining room and don't think there's anything wrong with it. I made him take the 8x10 of her off of our dresser. He put the 5x7 of her in the hallway. He tells me she is no threat to me and that's true but I'm still unconfortable with this. Sometimes, I felt like them two were still together. His kids write him notes with pictures on it saying, "daddy, mommy I wish you two were still together." I understand their mom died but he puts this on the refridg. He had a big Valentines balloon that he gave his deceased wife, well, it's floating in his daughter's room along with the wife's purses, perfume and jewlery. I just feel like he's married to the both of us. Even in conversation, he'll say "my wife used to say that."
His kids are allowed to sit in on our conversations. He and I cant' have a moment of peace when they are around, they constantly knock on the door "I have to lock it because they will invade my bedroom by just walking in (that's my only safe haven). He won't say a word. I don't even know how to address this because he will just talk over me or make it seem like there's nothing wrong. I don't know what else to do. Please help. I'm so confused.