What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2010
What would you do?
8
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 4:11pm

I was married to my first husband for 20 years and had 2 children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 12:16pm

Hi and welcome to the board.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 9:59am

HI Lindie,


As someone with "young adult" children myself, dealing with "empty nest" now, etc, these are some of my thoughts and perspective on your post:


1.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 11:21am

Gosh Lindie, like everyone else said, I would definately suggest some kind of counseling.

Serenity
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 11:43pm

I believe in making financial agreements explicit in marriages, like separate checking accounts and what to pay jointly.

With that said, it is up to your husband to “take care” of his children. It's HIS business. You may not like it but it is between him and them in my opinion. If you have separate finances then he does not have the power to disallow you to pay for what you want for you son as well.

So his children are living with you and him even though they are adults? Did you want that?

So have you had this discussion with him? Without blame? Have both of you learned to talk about the hard things and how? Like using the “I” word?

Right now you are feeling that there is a lack of love and his motivation of marrying you is for money rather than love.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 3:29am
I can understand your situation. Only in our case it is me who says when will you stop paying for your children? My DSDs are 31 and 32 and they live in our other flat which we cannot use because there is no room for us when we come and we cannot sell (we do not so much need it) and on top of it we pay all expanses including gaz electricity sky tv internet and all repairs. I am not asking anymore the question as once I got not a very pleasant reply: Did I say that when I marry you I automatically cannot help my children. I am tired to explain that this is hardly any help when they can run away easily from their husbands because the flat is ready or quit the job if they heel depressed (and this happens all the time) as they know their dad will pay. When he was paying the education I understood. Still I do not think it has something to do that I married my DH for material reasons. But it annoys when you try to save money one end and they go another. So in tour situation your DH perhaps thinks from where he sits. Love is another thing, you always feel it if it is there and even if you are disagree. He can love you and not to care much about your son^ men can be like this. I know my DH loves me and he is very passionate still but I do not know what he thinks about my son, does he care much. He never asks questions or show any concern, I think he will care if i start worrying or else otherwise not his business. So I understand how difficult it could be for you even to discuss the problem or explain why you are doing this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 3:31am
mhash
sorry the message was for lindie, my mistake
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2010
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 11:05am
Thank you all that responded to my post!
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 11:52am

I touched on this in another post, and that is as long as you continue to "do everything" around the house, that is what everyone comes to expect.

Serenity