Where to live and how to combine finances in 2nd marriage for each of us??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2010
Where to live and how to combine finances in 2nd marriage for each of us??
27
Tue, 11-30-2010 - 3:07pm

My girlfriend and I are talking a lot about getting married.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I don't have much of an opinion on the housing issue but I do have one on the expenses issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007

"I don't want anything like I had in my first marriage with separate accounts, tracking expenses, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2010

I know she agrees with being open and honest and trying to treat her kids and my kids equal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2010

I can appreciate your point there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007

"For instance my kids wouldn't be there as much as her kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2010
you are right. i need to find out whats the cause of concern. on the one hand she seems to agree that all of the day to day expenses, mortgage, utilities, etc should come out of a single joint account where we each put 100% of our pay. But then she gets weird about other things. I'll have to probe to see if I can see what the issue is. What is your thought on my first question? Say we sold her house and moved into a new house. I think she thinks that we should put exactly the same amount of money into a new house. Again, i believe that if we are making a life together we can't always split every dollar down the middle. I'd love her to stop working one day if she wanted and wouldn't worry about if she didn't have income versus me. Lots of details to uncover i guess! Thanks for your replies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
So if you two were to buy a new house, she'll have thousands (assuming) to put towards the DP but you cannot match it. Does she expect you to match it or she's feeling uneasy about putting so much into it?

It could be that she is not quite ready to do this. I know that a few months ago, the idea of giving up my own home to live with my boyfriend (planned for next year) would be scary, but now I'm getting more excited about it. I feel more ready.

Does she know that you would like her to stay home with the kids one day? Or did she have plans about always working?

A long time ago, I would never dream of being financially dependent on a man. I saw the torture my mom went through and vowed to always make enough money that I could get out of anything and support myself. However, I woke up and realized I am not married to my father and my future husband is not like him, so I have to let go of that fear because it's not my fear.



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
To answer your question, I would probably move into her house first. I would reserve buying a new house until you are married. Save up diligently, get used to the new family dynamics, then get a house later. I think buying a house/selling another is stressful so maybe wait until the dust settles, you're married, and then consider a new home for the family.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005

Hi and welcome to the board.

Pam (the other CL) and I typically recommend any two people wanting to get married, to read and utilize the book, The Hard Questions by Susan Piver. It's a book that discusses everything from money to sex to friendships. It's a great way to start some of those hard conversations most couples dislike discussing. Check it out at your local bookstore and see if it's something you think would help.

As for your questions, I think it's best to find out what her "issues" are. To understand why she's hesitant about certain things and what is going on. Only then can you two move forward with the main question about what to do about the house.

As for your first question, I think others have touched on it well enough. Some things that factor is how often are all 4 kids in the same house? Who has prirmary custody? How many days do you have the kids, does she? Etc, etc, etc. I think that would make a big difference on trying to live in her house for awhile, expand the house, or buy a new one.

Those are some big hurdles to overcome. I really think she needs to be honest about her issues and why she has them, and what is she willing (or unwilling) to compromise on. Looks like you guys have more talking to do.

I know I didn't really answer anything and that's because you're right, everyone's view is different on finances. I'm VERY wary about someone screwing up my life monetarily (which has been done by X's), so I make sure to protect myself on all fronts. Making sure our credit is separate, making sure I have a "savings" that isn't his or something he can access. Making sure that if he leaves me out of the house, on my own, or if I need to leave unexpectedly, that I have money to be able to access and live on. I know you may say you're not that type of man, but for myself, I've heard that line too many times to believe it. And actions don't always tell me the guy will be a slime ball either, so I protect myself first and foremost. I just wonder if she's thinking the same thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I'm a lawyer so I can think of one thing that might make her feel more at ease--a prenup.

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