Why am I getting this bad of a reaction?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Why am I getting this bad of a reaction?
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 7:21pm
On Saturday, my bf and I went to pick up his son at his mom's house. Well, as we were waiting for him to comb his hair, his mom came out real quick and went over a few things (he was spending the night at his aunt/uncle's house and she was telling my bf what she packed for him). So right before she went back inside, she says "What shirt size do you wear?". He kinda brushed off the question and said "I don't know".

Pretty soon afterward, his son came out and that conversation was dropped.

So, his son and I were talking about Father's Day that day and we were plotting a little surprise (cooking him breakfast)...planning what we wanted to get as gifts.

I told him I'd take him shopping on Tuesday and we'd go buy these gifts that we had planned on getting.

So today, I asked my bf if I could take his son shopping on Tuesday or Thursday. He said "sure". Then I asked for his mom's number. He asked what for. I said I needed to ask her to make sure something we were planning was okay...and also, I was planning on letting her know that I was going to take him shopping, so she didn't have to worry about it.

Well he said "Absolutely not". He didn't care so much about what I was going to ask her, he adamantly did not want me to tell her that I had the gift thing take care of. He said I would "cause problems". Why? You would think she would appreciate that I took an interest in her son. And shoot, if she still wants to go out and buy something with him, then so be it (it's not like I want to rob her of the experience), but she doesn't have to...is pretty much all I wanted to say to her.

He raised his voice about this...and he was just so adamant about it, it made me wonder what his deal was. I asked if maybe he had had some sort of conversation with her that would indicate this would be a problem? He said "no". I said "Then why are you so upset about this? It's not like I'm going to be rude about it, I just told you EXACTLY what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it". He just said "Because I asked you not to do something and you're not listening to me".

What gives? Can anyone shed some light for me here? Is this a bad sign?


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 7:31pm
P.S. I should also mention that I've done this before (communicated with the ex about plans with her son - for picking up dad at the airport, planning little surprises, and I've been buying Christmas, Birthday and other holiday gifts with him for about 2 years now...almost as long as we've been dating), so it's not entirely outside the nature of our relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 10:19am
In general, men like to keep their two worlds - the ex and the NW - separate. I am on both sides of the fence - I am and ex as well as a NW, and I have never communicated w/ either my SD's mom, or my kids' SMom about Father's Day. It just hasn't seemed necessary. If Smom wants to take them out to get a gift, fine. If not, fine. It has no effect on what I do with the kids for their dad. (If anything . . .) Same with my SDs - If I have a chance I will take them out to get something for their dad, and sometimes their mom will take them. Or sometimes, now that they are older, they will go out on their own and spend their own money to get him something. I just always save receipts in case of a duplicate gift.

In this case, I think you would be better off just going along with your SO instead of trying to analyze his reasons. I have learned from my husband that sometimes men don't have a reason - they don't analyze the same way that women do. He still gets nervous that I talk to his ex, but I assure him that the conversations strictly revolve around the kids - our relationship (as well as theirs) is off-limits. I think he gets freaked out that we are going to compare notes - like I would do something that personal with an ex-wife. Just take his son out and enjoy the day. I found that to be a great bonding experience with my SDs, because in the beginning, that was the only thing we had in common.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 10:56am
The only thing about your post that popped out at me, and may have also popped out at your BF, was that you said you wanted to tell the mom you were taking her son Father's Day shopping so she wouldn't have to worry about taking him out and buying gifts.

I think that was a little presumptuous of you to assume she would want you to relieve her of that duty. If you wanted to take the child out shopping, that's great, but by telling the mother that she didn't have to "worry about it", you were essentially telling her to back off.

The child is, afterall, hers and if she wants to get him something for him to give to his father I think that's a wonderful gesture. Don't get caught up in insecurities that make you compete against an ex-wife. Don't try to wedge yourself between this mother and child. Be secure in your own position. No man appreciates friction being stirred up with an ex-wife, so the best thing you can do is allow plenty of room for everyone.

For what it's worth, I think you need to listen to your BF. For his peace of mind and for the sake of your relationship it would be best if you do your thing and let her do hers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 10:11am
itzeebitzeeme, I'm in total agreement with you on this one. My exhusband new wife is fine and all but I hate when she says things like "I brought (my son) some shoes so don't worry about getting him any". Now mind you I love the fact that she takes care of my son when he is over there, but the bottom line is that is my son and I will always make sure he has what he needs whether she is in the picture or not. I'm not dead and I don't need another woman taking my place. If the original poster wish to do whatever she wants to do that is fine, but that doesn't mean it's the be all to end all.

Basically, your boyfriend is telling you(the orginal poster) "To Stay In Your Lane" and then everythign will be just fine.