Widower Problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Widower Problems
29
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 4:42pm

I've been dating a widower for more than a year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 8:48pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Thu, 02-17-2011 - 9:00am
--We do, however, communicate, and he has always been sensitive to my feelings when I express them. I just don't want to find myself in a situation where he is doing things just because I asked him to. ----
and:

--- I want to know where we stand, and I feel he gives me mixed messages. Probably it's because he doesn't know his own mind---

DING DING DING DING ---bingo

I think he isnt really in touch with his own feelings towards you, and, hence how do you communicate them when you havent really even completely identified them yet?

His actions certainly DO speak love/care.

I think the reason his WORDS havent yet, is buried in the above two quotes.

One thing re:
-- I just don't want to find myself in a situation where he is doing things just because I asked him to.----

He does these things because he WANTS to make you happy---and he wants to make you happy because he loves and cares about you.

let me say this again (listen closely ;) !!):

and he wants to make you happy because he loves and cares about you.............

re:
--I can handle being "convenient companion," if I know that is all there is. I just wish I knew for sure where we stand.----

I think "who he is" is the quiet/not very forthcoming communicator, who probably, as you said, isnt even in touch with his feelings good enough to recognize them, much less express them.............................hence I think:

1. he loves/cares about you alot more than he's verbalizing ("huggs"---that would really bother me, also.....but he probably does like hugging you--because he loves you---and he's just not communicating the way you'd like to hear it)

2. I think you're going to have to accept this level of communication/action is simply "who he is", and for the relationship to work long term, you'll have to be drawing out from him what you need to hear/see----------------

-----bottom line:
I think what you need to hear/see is actually THERE................but I think "who he is" means you'll have to *accept* "who he is", and accept needing to essentially "draw out" what you need of this in order to meet your own needs.............

is this making any sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Thu, 02-17-2011 - 12:27pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 11:56am

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 2:08pm
(((((We make plans jointly for the weekend so it would be pretty odd to suddenly say, "Oh, I went and made plans to do such and such with my friend without consulting about your plans." )))))

I have lived with my SO for 5 years, and although we do try to be courtious, we don't necessarily run everything by eachother. Just last weekend my morning was comitted, and he called to tell me (not ask me) that he was taking off with his son for the day. No biggie.

Just something to consider. I agree with blue orchid that although it may appear as playing games, it really isn't based on what we are hearing in your posts.

For me, it is about being honest. Being honest with myself so I can be honest with others. If you really don't want to spend an hour of your evening on the phone, but you are and it is bothering you a bit, then you need to be honest with yourself and make changes accordingly.

You don't live together, so I really don't see why you couldn't make your own plans? Even if you did, of course be courtious, but even then I still don't see why you can't make your own plans.

Hope I am making sense to you.
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Sat, 02-19-2011 - 1:53pm

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Sat, 02-19-2011 - 3:24pm
Oh no, me and SO did not have plans that Saturday afternoon. My point was that we did not have plans, I was busy all morning at class, so he called to let me know he was taking off and would gone the rest of the day. I didn't assume we were spending the day together, so it was no big deal.

I threw that out there as an example if you and BF did not have plans, it would also be OK for either of you to do the same. For me, I just find that I have to be careful with assuming.

I know me and SO went through sort of an rough patch where I tend to plan and schedule, and he does not. So...if we didn't have plans, I would make my own. He was the opposite, and figured we would have the night or day together and we would just figure it out after work or in the morning, or whatever.

Point being we ended up having to learn to work with our differences in that area. Especially living together. We had to have a few very specific discussions about this. It is rare it is an issue these days.

Again, it is not about playing games, but rather being honest with yourself so you can be honest with him. Only you know in your gut which things are eating at you and need to change.

This is something I have had to work really hard on in the last few years, so I tend to really try and smash home the point when it comes up. Your hour long phone calls are the perfect thing to practice this on.

How many times do we get a phone call, we answer, and they ask "are you busy." And how many times do say "no" when really we are in the middle of something and probably should have let it go to voicemail. It may seem little, but these little things can lead to resentments.

Well, enough out of me for one post!! I hope this thread has been helpful.
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 02-19-2011 - 4:16pm

Maybe it's time that you said to him some time that you just don't enjoy long phone conversations & that it has nothing to do w/ him, that it's the same w/ your GFs too--I am the same way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sat, 02-19-2011 - 10:34pm
-----So maybe you could say something like "I just don't like to chat on the phone for more than 10 minutes" or however much you can tolerate. -----
Good idea---but it's gonna be kinda weird saying this now....after dating and having these long conversations for a year already, KWIM?? ....

When we lived apart/dated, we always talked right before going to bed.........maybe when he calls you earlier in evening, talk a few minutes but say you're busy, will call him back at (about 15 minutes before bedtime).........by that time, hopefully he doesnt have anymore evening to "kill", and you've got the excuse of needing to get to sleep soon.............

good luck !
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Mon, 02-21-2011 - 2:52pm

well i can't say weather or not he "love you"

what i can say is being a widow 4yrs now, holidays are like death to me, i am remarried and we had a girl together -totally 4 kids-

i try really hard to put my best face forward but even thinking about holiday's puts tears to the fore-front

he tells you that he doesn't take her clothes out because he's lazy -that maybe true on some leval but cleaning out your spouse stuff is well extremly hard everytime you look at his stuff you relive everything you went through, all good times, bad times, the death, and the heartache of never having another "time" again.

i've always believed in just being honest- when i started dating even before the first date i was upfront and honest about me being a widower, having 3 kids with speical needs,